Looking forward to my puppies crowding me in bed this weekend. We have a 120 lb Dane/Wolfhound and an 85 lb Pyr/Lab. No wonder she can get by without me, they match me pound for pound! Thank God for laughs!!!!
Had session #2 w/ C last night. Went well, but I felt myself holding back a bit. She asked some tough questions that I really need to find the tough answers. Definitely have to look inward much more to really get myself straightened out. Who knew!?! I really like that C is pushing me a bit. I can rationalize anything to the point that I want to see. She will not let that happen. Met w/ friends after that for the usual Thirsty Thursday. We had fun, and I have tentative plans for tonite now. Weekedn nights are the ones I worry about sitting around. So working on covering those. Used to be we never made real solid plans, b/c W and I could go out together if nothing was going on. Now I don't want to me twiddling my thumbs. That's when I start thinking about the what if's. I can get pretty down doing that. Other than that just looking forward to being back at home for night and getting a few things done. Will be nice to see W Sunday. Keep reminding myself to Act As If she misses mem loves me, wants me.
Me 32 WAW 30 D Bomb 7/9 Separated 7/15 Reiterated bomb 8/12 PA 8/21 http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#Post1198643
A friend of mine was selling her house and we let her use our spare bed to 'stage' one of her empty bedrooms. She sold the place so today I went by and picked up the bed and a TV I bought from her. She's already moved to TX, so it was just me and another friend to help me with teh stuff. I had e-mailed W Friday to let her know that we'd be by. And that I will be over earlier then expected thsi afternoon to stay the night (she's going out of town fo rthe night). No response to my e-mail. I did include something about being happy she likes the C. So I call her around noon to say we'll be stopping by to get some gloves and blanket, she was wroking at home (1st time ever, not sure if that is significant right now). Very short but pleasant convo. We arrive and I pop in to let her know it's just us in the garage. Dogs of course are thrilled to see me. we laugh at Angel (2.5 yr old lab/pyr) together. Our running joke is to call Angel an idiot. While I'm trying to open the back door to let her out, W says "she's an idiot." It felt nice to hear that. I told her we'd be back in awhile. We get back and move the bed upstairs. I just set the TV in the garage b/c 1. it's large and heavy. 2. I don't want to make it an all day ordeal. 3. If things don;t work out, it'll be easier to move again. I grabbed some cash from my saivings jar (deadline today to secure my fantasy football spot)! My friend goes in and says hellp to W. I think she was surprised b/c expects to be viewed as the bad guy. I join them and we talk about moving the tv briefly. Then, I ask her if she got my e-mail. She said yes. (OK why can't she just respond to it so I know??) Didn't say that though, just asked if that was OK. She said yes. I asked if she knew when she was going (I'd like to go to the house early, but will not unless she is gone, gotta give her space). She wasn't sure, hadn't talked to her friend and said she was not going to get all her work done today. So I said I'd be back around 4 then. We left. W seemed relaxed when talking this time. Don't know if it is b/c my friend put her at ease or just the time apart to think or what. Whatever the reason, makes me feel like we will be able to talk a bit more freely again soon. We have plans to get together for a bit tomorrow. I mentioned in my e-mail walking to nearby sports bar to catch the Brickyard. She's big NASCAR fan. We'r ein Indy, so the blackout applies, but I think the bars will have it. Anyway, during fball season we go up there a lot to watch the games. I am interested in this race b/c my fantasy draft position is based on order finish. ( I have Truex, so root for him. She's a huge Stewart fan). Who knows if she will agree to that or not. The part I'm ineterested in is that I said walk up there. She has complained that I never go for walks with her. Now that I have been riding my bike a bit, I feel the energy coming back and the distance to walk is about what I'd be comfortable starting. We'll see how that goes over. Also, I'm living at a friend's house. He is working on the other side of the planet, but has a female roommate who takes care of teh place. Not my 1st choice just b/c she is female, but we've known each other for years, she has long term R and I don't think W views it as bad (just as long as I'm not at home right lol). But, at dinner last Sunday, I mentioned she was 'walking' me, old joke about her and owner when he was still in country. We went on one painful walk after a bike ride. Well, that was dumb, W said "You would never go on a walk with me and now your taking walks with xyz! It's like your doing things now that I always wanted you too." oops, I felt like banging my head on a rock. I back pedaled slightly and said it was after a bike ride and I was sticking to teh bike while over there. Then I shut up, no chance to incur more damage. So, that's why the walking aspect for tomorrow is important. Gotta get cleaned up b4 I head home. Will check in later.
Me 32 WAW 30 D Bomb 7/9 Separated 7/15 Reiterated bomb 8/12 PA 8/21 http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#Post1198643
good job on handling the items at her house. got to love the relaxed state she if finding. even if it was because friend was there, she has be telling herself that bad guy thing probably fits if she is trying to put on the good face. the other way is she is just relaxed and both are good things.
have fun watching the race. i've been meaning to see a nascar race for some time, i'll have to do that some day.
So being back at home sux w/out W. Thought it would be nice to be back in the comforts of hokme. But, it is so quiet and lonely. I went into fix it overdrive just to keep busy. Replaced porch lights (bought in March), fixed a light switch, mowed lawn, scrubbed shower, cleaned 2 toilets. Guess it will go one of two ways: 1. W will appreciate the effort. but be skeptical it's perm change 2. Just think I'm doing what I think appeases her. My thought is it was nice to get some things done while home. I've always disliked mowing, but realized today it gave me time to think clearly w/out distraction. Damn near cried while mowing as I reviewed and thought about things. With the sweat dripping (humidity has finally returned to unbearable) felt like the tears were rolling anyway! Read the Controlled Separation book our C suggested I get for W. Very interesting. I don't think W has touched it, but will i9mpress on her that it will help. I feel slightly more confident asking her things like this b/c she is going to C, so I see a small effort to work on M even though I see her sadness still that she does not believe we can find our way back. Anxious about tomorrow, not sure if I will be here when she gets back. I have a few things to take care of b4 I haed back to my "vacation home." We have a tentative date, but who knows when, where or if at this point. Oh, W is visiting friend whose H is out of town (W and that H are very close friends, and now she is W's closest girl friend). Anyway, friend was in similar sitch and almost left her H. No idea if he even knew, it was early in our R, so I did not know then very well at the time. I hope this helps W see that things and feelings can change. Would like to ask W about it, but not sure how, or if good idea?? When she visited 2 weeks ago, day b4 I moved out, I asked what they had to say. She said Friend understood b/c she was there b4. I guess it's not worth supposing since I don;t know and can't control it. A little levity and insight: I feel like DB'ing is similar to my stellar soccer career. 4 years JV in high school. I knew exactly how to play, often practiced well, guarding our star player as a freshman the year he was voted best player in state, I could shut him down every time. But, game time I threw all knowledge out the window, played from my feet not my head. Hence - 4 years JV. I seem to sit back and know how to proceed with W. Then doubt it all at go time. I need a whisper mic and earpiece with a van full of suits reading me DR passages while I'm on my date. I have to go to Home Depot (which I can't stand) b/c one of my porchlights did not coime with a top. I have the worst experiences there. I am going to Act As If they are smart and willing to help. Let's see if Michelle's solutions work at Lucifer's Orange Box Store!
Me 32 WAW 30 D Bomb 7/9 Separated 7/15 Reiterated bomb 8/12 PA 8/21 http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#Post1198643
hey look at the good signs, w is in c'ing with you, she is seeing the friend that has been there before. that is big, friend obviously had some turn around and will talk to w about it. i would let those two have as much time together as possible. sucks to not know friends reasons for returning, because that is what she will relate to w, but hopefully it is good. i guess go with the gut, if you think it will help, give them time together, if not, be careful
good work on the house work, helps keep the mind clear. oh, the hate for home depot. it is my play ground, my ll is probably acts of service, i'm always working on some project. but i have to agree the help you get is less then steller. i have found lowe's, at least in my area, to be a better help, but had a bad deal with them this last weekend setting w up with a dryer. bought the wrong electrical cord after arguing with the guy for like 15 minutes. he swear it was universal, i shouldn't have bought it, but i was a pushover. i need to take it back, but i'm lazy.
Yeah, Lowe's is my place, but I can't ever find anything. I don't like asking someone for help (yes, I'm sure I'll spend hours with C to get to that exact statement).
Me 32 WAW 30 D Bomb 7/9 Separated 7/15 Reiterated bomb 8/12 PA 8/21 http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#Post1198643
W got home right b4 I was leaving. She noticed Imowed and asked "did you mow?" Yes I did You didn't have to I know, I wanted to. Good way to think w/out ditraction Well, Thank you She was in good spirits. A bit tired/hungover. We always return from there like that. She had a good night out with her girl friend. I aksed if they went out, but did not follow up for more details. Was worried she would not want to go on our date. I asked if she was up for it, said yes. She has more work, but will do that later tonite. Headed back over there in a couple hours. She seemed interested/excited/something more than just willing to go on our date. I think she is really trying and looking at the good things. Can't suppose too much on what is in her head, but just feels like she is more open to the idea of working on the R together. Feeling good right now. Act As If shouldn't be as hard today!
Me 32 WAW 30 D Bomb 7/9 Separated 7/15 Reiterated bomb 8/12 PA 8/21 http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#Post1198643
I appreciate your responses to my thread, so I wanted to give back a little!
I am by no means, an expert...But I've had a chance to make some realizations, through trial and error, and I would like to share my thoughts, for what they're worth.
1. STOP TRYING TO FIX YOUR M. Seriously. Think of the M as a piece of paper. Nothing more than a legal document. Instead, remember all of the things that made you and your W sign that legal document. Before anything else, you were a good friend to her, right? Are you being a good friend now? Truly? If say, a male friend of yours was dealing with the death of a close family member, would you feel the need to pressure this friend? Or would you gladly and genuinely respect their space and offer a handshake? I'm assuming the handshake would be enough, even if this was a friend you REALLY cared about. Do that. Be a true friend and realize, for yourself, that the friendship that the M was based on may be more important than the legal document. Looking at it this way can make it easier to back off AND to help yourself. Friends shoudn't be pushy. Friends accept.
Next, remember that it was based on love. Love, love, love. Don't love like a H, love like a family member. Don't express it in words, but in actions. I have absolutely no doubt that your WAW loves you in this way, so be happy with it. Understand that her objective isn't to cause you pain, and be happy with that. Pain is just an unfortunate side effect.
2. FORGIVE! Do it for yourself. Forgive everything that has hurt you and forgive completely. I forgive my WAW every morning when I wake up alone. It works! You will feel better. You can't change what has happened, so don't think about it. If you count the days, the pain will mount up. Just let go of the past and deal with TODAY. Today may hurt too, but don't hurt for yesterday and tomorrow hasn't been written yet. Today is the only thing you have any real control over. Don't forget your ultimate goal, but don't focus on it. Instead, focus on a goal for each day, but remember where you're going. Does that make sense? Focus on happiness today. You can find some, if you look. Focus on that. Be thankful for any happiness and forgive any pain.
3. REMEMBER THAT SHE CANNOT HURT YOU. She already did, and that part is over. She has already told you the most devastating thing she can say, and you're still alive. Any more pain you feel is pain that you allow or even create in yourself. I'm not suggesting that you can always avoid the current pain. Not at all. There will be times when it's too much. But you can realize that it's YOUR pain and your responsibility. Any smile you crack during a day is better than the way you felt when she asked for a D. Don't let you hurt yourself. Only you have control of this.
4. DON'T BLAME HER. Understand that she did not plan this, and it hurts her too. Most likely, she's not trying to punish you by not returning texts or messages. She's just dealing with the pain in the best way she knows how. That's exactly the same thing you're doing. You've just found a better way. Take pride in that. And that's another reason to keep DB'ing! You know that what you're doing is best, so stand by it. She's standing by her way, right? Let her do it. In time, she may discover that your way is better.
5. DON'T CALL, TEXT, ETC. If you must, there had better be a good reason. If you MUST call occasionally, have a good reason. Even if it's a fake reason, make it seem real. Keep it very short and start out as all business. If you have time, make a quick joke or tell a VERY short funny story. If she laughs, be happy. If not, then let her be unhappy and distant. Her reaction shouldn't affect you negatively at all. Regardless of the reaction, get off the phone! Be happy with the moment you had and don't be greedy. Hang up first. It may feel like you're giving up on something that's going well. You're not. You're knowing when to stop it from getting worse. If you hang up while everything seems good, you both win! Both of you will have each had a pleasant experience for the day, and that will be what she remembers of you for the day.
6. LET HER FEEL PAIN. This one has been extraordinarily hard for me. I hate to see W in any kind of pain. My natural instinct is to comfort her and tell her that everything will be okay. But if you do that, you're showing her that she is in charge and you have no control. You're showing her that she has nothing to lose, because you'll always be there. Let her hurt. Let her heart crave happiness. If, like me, you simply can't stand it, change the subject to something lighter. Smile and be happy. She will have to deal with the pain on her own. Remember, the ball is in her court. Don't make it an easy decision for her.
7. BE HAPPY. I know you've read that a thousand times now, but it's true. If you fake it for awhile and make an effort, it will become real for you. You CAN be happy, but you may have to work at it. Find happiness in everything and focus on that. You are the only person that can control your emotions. No one else. So you might as well be happy. Being miserable isn't going to get you anywhere. It won't solve anything. Happiness will, at the very least, make you feel better...And at the most, make you someone your W would like to be with. In either scenario, you end up better than if you remained miserable.
8. CONTINUE WITHOUT CHANGE. Even if you feel that you're getting somewhere, don't change your attitude. If the situation seems to be improving, resist the urge to change your behavior. Keep doing exactly the same thing. It's obviously working, right? Then don't stray from it. I expect that she will be crytal clear when she's ready for the two of you to make a change together. Until then, stick with what you know works...Otherwise, you risk undoing all the good you've done.
You can do this! No matter what, remember that. YOU can.
