Thanks Grace and IMP for the responses. I did go to the pic-nic and it actually was not too bad. She wasn't there and I was glad of that but I was embarrassed because of the situation. I am really angry at my H today. I think because we did go yesterday and I thought " All these people know what happened and they are probably wondering why I am taking this and still with him". Well anyway, thats the kind of thoughts I have been having today and all the coping mechanisms have gone out the window and I have laid into him all day. My nerves are so raw I just cannot get control of my emotions. I think at this point I would be just as satisfied to get a divorce. I am a mess today and him working with her doesn't help. Of course, she probably isn't the wreck I am and I am sure she is beginning to look more appealing as the days go by to him. I just don't know if I even care at this point. Thanks for listening to a woman who is ready for the looney bin. Love, Violets
I'm glad the picnic went ok and that she wasn't there. Is there any possibility that your H could/would consider getting another job? I don't know where you are or what the market would be like for him, just a thought. Keep in mind that you don't know what "other people" are thinking. When it all comes down to it does it matter? I have this mantra that I say (alot) that helps me with the "others" syndrome. It is..." I am independent of the good or bad opinions of others." May sound wierd, but I use it to remind myself that it is my own internal compass that is important. I have a good one (even if my instincts are currently shot), and this also requires me to really think (and act) on the things I am creating in my life.
As for whether or not she is a wreck....again, does it matter? If she is, good. Perhaps this means she has a conscience. If she isn't, doesn't that speak volumes? As angry as I know you are, I think there is maybe room for a little pity for someone so pathetic. There is always a price to be paid, even if we aren't around to see them pay it.
You said you think she may be looking more appealing to him these days. What are you going/willing to do about that? I know you say you may be ready to give up, but that's not what I hear in your posts. Your choice to make, just don't make it out of anger. I've heard it said that when you make a choice from a place of peace, then you'll know it's the right one for you.
You're no more looney than I am (hmmm, scarey isn't it???). This is just incredibly hard. I'll make a greater effort to check on you on Monday's.
Thank you Grace! I always look forward to your posts and am grateful for the insight you give. My H. is trying to transfer from within to a job that doesn't require him running into her daily. I think that would help alot. We both went to my C. today and it was a good session. She lent me the companion book DB to read. I tried earlier to read it but I am just trying to deal with emotions and can't digest the methods recommended. I am going to try baby steps. One is to let my husband back into the bedroom to sleep even if there is no intimacy right away. That was one suggestion she made today. Grace you are a blessing to me. Love, Violets
Glad to hear you had a good session. His efforts to transfer sre really meaningful and I'm sure will help alot.
There is another book that I read titled "How to fix your marriage without talking about it", by Patrica Love and Steven Stosky (? not sure of his name spelling). I got alot of good insight out of it and while I can't use some of what they suggest (ie; hugs etc), I do inplement what I can when I can. It talks about womens fear and mens shame in a way that was really illuminating to me.
Given that I'm not nearly where you are, I don't know how helpful this may be, but when I get angry I usually do something physial first (even walking is great) and then I do my "I'm grateful" list. It helps me refocus.
I hope you can let him back into the bedroom and your heart. You're right that it takes baby steps. Take care and be well. Love, Grace
Hi Grace. I am depressed right now but I think I am doing better in some ways. I let H. sleep in bed one night, but I could not sleep, so I moved to the guest room and let him have our bed. Marriage shouldn;t be like this. It is so sad and I don't know if I have enough to try to make this work. How are you Grace? Love, Violets
I'm sorry you're feeling down. How did he respond (or did he) to you letting him sleep in the bed and to your going to the guest room? No marriage shouldn't be like this, but there's the way it ought to be and then the way it really is. Question we have to ask ourselves is what's it worth to us. I know what you mean about having enough to make it work. I've been having a rough few days and I'm questioning everything. My D15 has told me that I need to do what I think is best and that she (and D12) think I'm doing the best I can. That's alot to live up to, you know? I don't know where or if I can find the strength for this, but I know I'm not done.
hi violets. You do what you have to do to get in the right frame of mind. I remember after my bomb trying to sleep in the same bed as my ex. It took a few nights, but I got the hang of it.
Hang in there. Don't expect too much too soon...from him or from yourself.
