Nomopo Trying to Exercise Patience/Manage Emotions

[Nomopo]

Hello!

Guess my thread locked Monday, when I was in San Diego. Not sure why Still and Sunny kept it a secret. Way behind on journaling, so will try to catch up on that later. Also, want to respond to Sven's post (and others) on my last thread, and I will later. Finally, I need to get back into some of y'all's sitches. I have been following most of my friends, just haven't posted much. Also need to check in on some of these newbies. Hope everyone is doing well!

Onward and upward,
Nomopo

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Here is a summary of my sitch:

Me: 39; WAW: 38
Married: Nov. 1997 (began dating Dec. 1993).
First marriages for both.
Son (just turned 7) and daughter (4).
Initial Bomb: May 8, 2005 (Mother's Day and D's birthday)
Traditional couples therapy started: Dec. 2005
"Maybe we should call it quits" Bomb: Jan. 22nd (aka "looking into the [divorce] abyss"); W not working on M
Emotional Affair discovered: Feb. 22nd
Ultimatum regarding EA given: Feb. 29th
Response ending EA, but not working on M, given: Mar. 4th
Divorce Busting begins ("rookie league"): April 10th
Solutions-Based, Goal-Oriented Therapist found: April 12th (Wife is going now!)
"Should we explore a separation?": May 10th
"I want a "trial" separation": May 22nd
Told kids about separation: June 9th (6:00 pm)
Separation implemented: June 11th

"We have no spark and there is no hope."
"We both deserve more."
"I am sad all the time." Depression?
"It's not my fault that it took 15 months of therapy for you to have a breakthrough and finally understand what you were doing and how unhappy I am."
"I do not see any hope of you changing and us being happy together."

1st thread Newbie Soon to be Separated
2nd thread Nomopo's Life
3rd thread Nomopo's Plan
4th Thread Nomopo's Plan
5th Thread Nomopo's PLAN!! <-- initial DB plan
6th Thread Nomopo's Plan
7th Thread Nomopo on Cruise Control
8th Thread Nomopo: just beginning long-term, full-blown DBing

[Reincarnated]

Nomo--
I was wondering where you were...it's been an eventful week. Make sure to check on J...

[Nomopo]

Hey Donna! Thanks for checking in. Hope you're well. On my last thread you asked about the gift. I did give it to her. Went pretty weel, but she got it at the end of Sunday which was the day I spent in a funk, so it could have been better. Check out my journal for more on that.

N_A and Sandi2, thanks also for checking out my last thread. Sandi, I will probably read those books in time, but they are lower down on my priority list, and I do not see W reading them any time soon. I think she still denies in her head that it really is an affair anyway.

Sven, thanks so much for your time and thoughts. It is GREATLY appreciated.

Actually, it's funny a lot of your posts remind me of mine - journals of things I was seeing going on, places I could refer back to, etc.

Someone else said that too (I'm thinking Slowly), which is why I sought you out.

First, off, I do see a lot of good going on in your sitch - its far from over I suspect (the rollercoaster)

Thanks for the positive feedback. The far from over part stinks but I think that is likely the case too.

I like how your JC is trying to steer her through that - understanding that for your MIL to change, she needs to want to change - and that people CAN change.

Yeah, if this takes it will be huge.

I dealt so much with that with my W - the result was her wall and her distrust of me - remember, they opened themselves up to us probably more than anyone else and so the hurt there takes a long time to get past.

Patience is hardest for me, and also probably the biggest key right now.

I too had (still do) a W that "doesn't forgive" - self-admittedly. But it is her that has needed to figure that out for herself - that hanging on to old hates and anger gets you nothing. It took a long time for her to get past that with me

How long would you say?

The good news, we talk about it now. I'm clear that I'll have a couple rough weeks, but bear with it and at the end, I'll take her out to dinner or plan some special evening for us both to enjoy.

That's great!

Okay, regarding the OM - don't waste time thinking or obsessing there.

Easier said than done, but I am working on it. I know you (and all the others who have told me this) are right.

The trust issues are there completely agree, but [. . .] you won't be able to address the trust issues until she has completely re-committed to the M.

Yep, and I don't try to bring them up at all, just wonder about it at times cause my trust is so low now. I have to believe, though, that if we get to that point that I will be able to trust her again.

A golden rule that I learned as I navigated my mess was that if I suspected I was going to hear something I didn't want to hear, why ask - I already knew the answer.

This is excellent! This I want to try to use. It's going in my plan.

WAS mentions that she has met an old HS acquaintance and she "needs" to see if there is anything there. For the first time through all of this, I stand up for myself and tell her that "Okay, but she needs to put the final bullet in this M and kill it".

Did you give her an ultimatum - in short, if you want to explore old HS flame fine, but end this M first? Or something a little different? How did she respond/react? I'm curious about the specifics around this if you can. I don't know exaclt what is happening with W and OM now, but I suspect she is not over him yet and he is clouding her thought process for now.

The holidays pass and I start to really GAL. I've made a bunch of new friends and am getting out regularly. I started really taking care of myself (working out, eating right) and most importantly, I've started to really be a father to my children - focusing a LOT of energy their way and it is making for a much happier and confident *ME*. Every MC session I go to I look my best - I'm confident and happy. I A/V all my W's "hardships" and feelings and I start making myself less "available" to her. You see, she and I really are best friends - and as I started making it clear to her that I couldn't make time for her that way, it really started to rock her a little bit. Okay, it rocked her a whole lot.

This is great info!!! A few specific questions/comments: (1) How did you make new friends? Most of my current friends now are married. Just curious for ideas? Did you join any groups? (2) Great feedback on looking your best and being confident and happy when you see her. I think I need to pick up the GALing a notch. (3) The less availability is probably a key for me. It is hard to do, and doesn't come naturally, but I think I have to do it. My friends Sunny and Still suggested as much to me during our talks this week in Sunny's San Diego!

In the meantime, the OM started showing his real colors - a consummate man's man and real jerk. All things in life on his terms, and only those terms.

Not sure OM has any qualities that will show up this obviously or quickly, but we all have issues. I know some times he got on her nerves already, so here's hoping. One problem is if she is telling me the truth and they aren't seeing each other, she may not get to see his flaws (and the fantasy may continue). Oh well, can't control it, can't worry about it.

By April, 2006 she told me it was over with OM and that she wanted to give us another try.

So sounds like it took about eight months, right? I need to let that sink in for the patience.

What were the elements that made this a success? That's a tough one, but let me take a crack: 1) started with complete forgiveness of myself. I made a wrong - I recognized it and I sought to make it right, for ME. 2) A commitment to become a better man - be it a husband, father, or friend, sibling whatever. But I did so after a lot of soul searching of who I wanted to be - it has to be true or it just won't stick. 3) I learned how to listen - empathically. 4) I tested the bounds of patience - saving an M takes a TON of it - remember that statistics show that affairs fail at a much higher rate than they succeed so you have to be patient - the WAS is looking for an escape and it is just a matter of time before they come to realize what they "really have". And even then, the emotional "loss" and/or shame of the event takes time to understand and grieve past. Of special note, my W to this day has not apologized" for anything and I'm okay with that - I made my bed, I laid in it - then stripped it clean and fixed it - I did the work - I'm taking the credit! And finally 5) there is the element of "luck". I got lucky. I was lucky that the OM was an arsehole. I was lucky that I even got a shot. But what that meant for me was that I was able to take back control of my life and make it better today than it was a couple years ago.

Sven, this is pure gold! I feel like I am off to a strong start on 1 -3. No. 4 will be my real test!! But your post will help with that. And 5 is out of my control, but here's hoping for some luck.

In the end, it was all about making myself happy, first - a tenet of GAL and DB'g. I posted about this on another thread here: tyler's post . By that I mean by becoming the person I wanted to be, it naturally caused my W to swing back to me as the better choice. And I broke the cycle of feeling like I "needed" her. I didn't. That can really seem like a leap off the precipice. I wanted her, sure, but I didn't need her - and I didn't want her needing me (although ultimately that is what brought her back...).

Also good stuff, and I fell like I am getitng there. Slowly.

That is what we work on today - wanting the same things and working together to get there.

I can't tell you how awesome that sounds!

But it starts with what YOU want and with a little luck, and perhaps some of the 4 other things I mention above, you'll get there. And from what I have read, you have those elements.

Thanks for the vote of confidence.

I hope, that this helps in some way - sorry if I was all over the place, I was writing it for me as much as for anyone...

It helps a ton! Thanks again for your time and giving of yourself. Talk to you later, I hope.

Nomo

[Willing NJ H]

Hey NOMO, good to hear from ya.

I've been keeping up on your thread and was wondering where you've been... now we know!

Anyway, you haven't posted much for me to comment on, but I could really use your advice. I've gotten a bit off track lately and would appreciate you taking a look at my thread if you have time.

Thanks man, hope all is well.

[Atlas]

sventhered,

thanks for posting with nomo, and nomo thanks for sharing your responses to the post. it's a lot of wisdom there and it will help a lot of people out.

thanks you guys.

[NDDT]

hey there nomoster .......... glad you are keeping the faith. How do you feel about pro bono legal advice?? lol

[Not Much Left]

Hey Chief, the Golden One is back on line. We can all breathe a bit easier now! JK, you the man. Have a good weekend.
CVA

[slowly]

Hi there - Just bookmarking the new thread. I hope the R&R with S&S went well.

Slowly

[Nomopo]

WNJH - will try to get to your thread tonight or tomorrow.

Thanks CVA and Atlas for checking in.

Hey NDDT - happy to try to help. By the way, I emailed you back a while ago. Did you get it?

Slowly - one of my guardian angels! (((S))) Always love to hear from you, and it warmed my heart when I saw you've been keeping tabs on me. Thanks, as always.

Ewe found a long archived thread that I found lots of good stuff in, so i am copying it here so I can refer back to it from time to time. Thanks EWE! (I don't know the author.) Here it is:

The "AS IF" ATTITUDE It all boils down to this ... you must have a Special "As If" Attitude to significantly increase the likelihood your marriage will be saved -- even if your spouse really doesn't want to work on it. You can make a difference.This attitude is full of positive energy and it releases very powerful and deep psychological mechanisms in your spouse. The strength of those mechanisms is largely determined by how well you live your Special "As If" Attitude.
There are four key things to remember about this Special "As If" Attitude:
A. a model, a concept visualization tool to help you understand what has and is and can be happening with your spouse.
B. knowledge, your knowledge of the DB principles may be the single most important knowledge you need in order to win back your spouse and save your marriage.
C. patterns of behavior, recognizing what got you here and what will take you home.
D. the design of your Special "As If" Attitude, what you, personally need to do.
A. Special "As If" Attitude Model This model is a simple attempt to help you understand what's going on right now .. and to make it easier to understand why the attitude with which you deal with your spouse right now is critical to the improvement of your relationship and marriage. Imagine a 1 inch ball (Ball "A") suspended inside a 3 inch ball ("B") that is suspended inside a 5 inch ball ("C"). Ball "A" consists of the core values of a person ... the very best they have inside them ... how they really feel about the most important things in life ... love, God, marriage, children, family, etc. 'A' values are very deeply seated in the subconscious, and while they manifest consciously (to one degree or another), the important thing to remember is that they are very deep in the subconscious, are more permanent in nature, and change very, very slowly. The primary function of "B" is to protect "A"; its serves much like a modulator between "C" and "A". "C" represents our what-we-are-doing-right-now behavior; it is more topical and flighty, more conscious than subconscious, and is largely temporary in nature.
Now imagine everyone has a Giver side and a Taker side. * One side is caring and considerate and one that seems impossible to get along with. The Giver follows the rule: do whatever you can to make the other person happy and avoid anything that makes the other person unhappy. It's the part of you that wants to make others happy. It grows out of a basic instinct that we all share, a deep reservoir of love and concern for those around us. The Taker follows the rule: do whatever you can to make yourself happy and avoid anything that makes yourself unhappy. It's the part of you that wants you to be happy, and it grows out of your basic instinct for self-preservation. In everyday life, our Givers and Takers usually solve problems together. They recognize our need to give and take simultaneously. For example, when we buy groceries, we give money and take groceries. We don't give more money than the grocer asks for and we don't take groceries without paying for them.
In marriage, sometimes our Giver is more in charge ... we are loving and considerate, and tend to make personal sacrifices to see to it that our spouses are happy and fulfilled, because our Takers are not there to defend our personal interests. We love unconditionally when guided by our Giver, because our Givers do not care how we feel. But when the Taker is in charge, we are rude, demanding and inconsiderate. All we seem to think about is ourselves, and what our spouses can do to make us happy. We expect our spouses to make sacrifices for us, because our Takers don't care how our spouses feel. This is normal behavior in marriage.
Marriage is one of the very few conditions that bring out the pure Giver and Taker in each of us. And that usually makes us seem much crazier than we really are. It is the Taker that ruins marriages. But the Giver plays a very important role in creating the problem. It's the effort of the Giver to give our spouses anything they want that sets up the Taker for it's destructive acts. After you have been giving, giving, giving to your spouse, and receiving little in return, your Taker rises up to straighten out the situation. It sees the unfairness of it all, and steps in to balance the books. But instead of coming to a more balanced arrangement, where you get something for what you give, the Taker just moves the Giver out of the picture altogether. It says, "I've been giving enough, now it's your turn to give." We've all been through it, but it doesn't work. All our Takers do is rouse our spouses' Taker and the first thing we know, we're having a fight.* (http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3550_give.html Dr. Willard F. Harley, Jr. Dr. Harley's website, http://www.marriagebuilders.com and his materials offer valuable help.)
Dr. Harley's Love Bank visualization tool is something like a piggy bank for your relationship with your spouse. Your Giver makes love deposits into the Love Bank, while your Taker makes withdrawals.
B. Knowledge The more knowledge you have about the processes you are dealing with, the higher the likelihood of you saving your spousal relationship and marriage. You know now not to beg or plead; as much as you want to, it only works against you. DB principles are examples of knowledge in action ... things you can do to improve your marital relationship in far less time than would otherwise be required.
It is very important for you to realize you are doing something your spouse is not doing .... you are proactively working on restoring your marriage. You are using very powerful resources to do so. Your spouse is not. You will understand more of what's really doing on in your relationship, than your spouse. Your spouse does not know that. You have a tremendous advantage in your relationship with your spouse. Yeah, I know, it doesn't feel like that to you right now, but it is true. Accept it and go on.
Trust me
C. Patterns of Behavior Patterns of behavior, yours and your spouses, play a very important role in helping you re-establish your marriage.
This Special "As If" Attitude model is built around the following dynamic. Deep inside your spouse, the odds are very high the love and values your marriage was/is based on are still alive and well ... bruised some, to be sure, but far from being gone or dead. You did a number of things that contributed to some layers or films of discontent settling around her/his core, and they prevent her/his love from fully flowing all the time. The confusing words/actions you are experiencing with your spouse right now reflect different moments when the core and discontent elements are coming out. That's why you need to just ignore the discontent stuff; if all goes well, it will continue to disintegrate as the core elements work their way into their natural, more prominent place in his/her life and yours.
Your patterns. You've already demonstrated two different patterns of behavior that have hurt you very much. The first were those you used when you essentially to meet your spouses needs .. they are the primary reason you are having marital problems right now. Those patterns of behavior essentially caused fine layers of 'residue' or film to build up on the outside of your spouses' "A" ... so much so that the feelings inside "A" have a very difficult time coming out. If it isn't too late, and as you will see it probably isn't, enough of those feelings are still alive and wanting to function like and even better than before.
The second set of behaviors were those you showed when you finally realized your relationship and marriage were in very very serious trouble .. it was the words you said and the things you did when the Bomb went off. In both cases, you acted and reacted in the way(s) you thought best ... and they weren't.
Right now, you need to 'crack' your existing mindset so you can face and deal with reality. And, the reality about DBing is that 99% of the outcome likelihood is determined by how well the person follows the DB protocol, to use a medical term. It's flexible and widesweeping enough such that once someone catches on to it, their life changes almost instantly, and an unbelievable peace comes over them. They reach a 'center of gravity' point, a sweet spot, kind of a M A G I C A L space in the center of all of the Special "As If" Attitude stuff. They understand the principles involved, and apply them in a strict but not too-strict sense. They give most of your energy toward their spouse and marriage, but they do it by working on themselves, making themselves a happier and more desirable person, someone who is always doing the 'right' and good things. They no longer feel they don't have any influence on what's happening right now in their most personal relationship. They KNOW they have a whole lot to say about its outcome ... so much say, they become peaceful about themselves and the future ... with or without spouse, and, yes, they still want their spouse and their marriage. And, the truth is that because of what they do, if the marriage makes it ... it will be much better than before.
If you want a tool that can accelerate the 'cracking' process, this one works. Write up what you would recommend to a new poster here, whose circumstances are identical to yours. Describe it using your highest understanding of good DBing. This requires a complete rethink of current situation, exclusively from a DB perspective. It's a headknocker. It does the trick. It works M A G I C
The m a g i c happens real fast when someone can do that. The key really is thinking through and making sure your words and actions are solid DB-wise before you say or do them. To successfully do this depends on the depth of your commitment ... how long it takes you to discard the baggage beliefs you have about where things really are and what you really can do about them.
Baggage beliefs were useful to us at an earlier time, but now prevent us from accepting the beliefs we need now in order to do a better job at whatever it is that God wants us to really do while we are here. They include beliefs about ourselves ... are we what we want and know we need to be ... and then of others ... always mindful we have a Big Time Helper in God, if we keep ourselves and our relationships consistent with being a truly good person ... all the time ....
You spouse's patterns. Two sets of patterns of behavior your spouse has displayed are important here.
1. Early Warning Signals. These are the behaviors you didn't pay enough attention to. They were the road signs a dangerous road lay ahead. From the many hundreds, here are a few typical signals. Spouse indicated s/he wanted to talk about your relationship ... to help improve it. Spouse talked about people you know who were having marital difficulties. Started showing more dissatisfaction and anger than 'normal'. You upset him/her far more easily than usual. Complaints the two of you didn't really talk like you used to. Less touching. Then, maybe none. The automatic 'I love you' wasn't heard as often. And, isn't heard now, except "as a friend".
2. The Bomb and its Aftermath. "Hello!" "Anybody Home?". Brave New World. Armageddon. Some typical signals. Separation, talked or done. Lawyer. Needs time and space for themselves; its important to them. Doesn't want to lie to you, but feels you don't want to hear "the truth". Coldness. Love you, but its not the same. Friend. Doesn't care about your feelings. Selfish. Hate you. Self-centered. Confused. Different friends. Another woman. Another man. Children. Finances. Emotions. Divorce. Indifference. What?
During this period, your spouse may not want to admit to themselves or may not even realize, but the confusion itself means they still are not unsure about leaving you, about letting you go ... some part is still holding on and hoping for a happy ending ...
Detaching spouses go through a series of phases or steps either toward or away from their mates. The series taken by detaching spouses who end up back with and committed to their mates consists of three phases, (i) withdrawn, (ii) transition, and (iii) intimacy. see http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3600_state.html
In order for the Withdrawn spouse to get to Intimacy, s/he must pass through a Transition zone. Lets assume your spouse is in the Withdrawal phase. Right now your spouses' Taker side is trying to convince her/him that you are not worth the effort, and she/him should engage in emotional divorce. Your spouse no longer feel emotionally bonded or in love, and emotional defenses are raised. S/he doesn't want to meet your needs. They are or have given up on you meeting their needs. They want independence. They withdraw -- you essentially withdrew when you earlier failed to recognize and deal with your spouses' early warning signals. There is less care in the relationship. You aren't trusted. You don't have their respect.
You have to use your Special "As If" Attitude to influence your spouses' behavior to the next desirable step ... Transition ... where very carefully both parties start to consciously or subconsciously work to improve the marriage, though the detached spouse may not be aware of it. This is the activity that crosses you from being in the Confusion state to Centering and on into Completion. During this period you and your spouse will likely be communicating in a relative open manner. S/he will be expressing what s/he wants, and you won't like some of that. You will take heart in the fact that most of the most common 'threats' posed by detaching spouses do not come true, and when they do, it just means a little more work is to be done. You don't give up. Some of the needed changes may take a while to show, to express themselves in a clear way. If, after a suitable passage of time, you haven't seen results in one area, change what you are doing ... you are putting together a group of behaviors that are good for you and for your spouse and marriage. How long is a suitable time? Good question. Have observed that if you follow one set of behaviors for 4 to 6 weeks, your spouse will tend to believe 'that's' the way you are. Whenever you reach a point where you are certain your spouse 'knows how you are', then change how you are ... always in a way that is positive for you and the family, but that your spouse may not realize. This is a dynamic thing you are dealing with. That's why it is imperative you have the right tools to work with. If you still don't have the book, get it.
In the Transition zone, conversation ranges from being disrespectful, resentful and even hateful to kind and polite and together-orinted. * Mutual self-centeredness replaces selfishness. Your Taker still tries to see to it that you are treated fairly. The problem, of course, is that your Taker does not know how to treat your spouse with that same fairness. Fairness is viewed by the Taker as getting its way at all costs. Couples are still emotionally bonded and that makes the pain of thoughtlessness even worse. Love units are withdrawn at a very fast rate, and then start to be deposited at a slow but increasing rate. They may still hope that the hurting will stop, but they don't trust each other to stop the madness, and then it does ... a little ... and a little more. * (modified from Harley)
During this period you start meeting your spouses emotional needs again ... a little bit at a time ... then a little more. You don't want your spouse to be fully aware this is what is happening; at first it works on deep subconscious levels. You must calm down his/her Taker. That's where the Special "As If" Attitude comes in. In the Transition Zone, the Taker in you and in your spouse urges you and him/her to return pain whenever its received. You stop the cycle. You don't return pain for pain. You do it in a loving, but not submission way ... you do it with respect for your mate and yourself ... you don't return pain for pain. This is a very important change of behavior that has a major impact on the dynamics of the relationship.
In the Intimacy stage, you and your spouse will have rebonded and will be consciously working on your relationship, with our prayers going with you.
D. Design In designing your Special "As If" Attitude, it must be sensitive to and framed around the emotional needs of your spouse. Affection. Sexual Fulfillment. Conversation. Recreational Companionship. Honesty and Openness. An Attractive Spouse. Financial Support. Domestic Support. Family Commitment. Admiration. see http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html
It must include a positive outlook on life; no one likes negativity ... it repels.
It must be compassionate. This is a compassion 'game'. Compassion in that you have to care and act in ways that hurt you to the core, but that are necessary if you are going to allow your real love for your mate to overcome the needs you have right now. Do not blame your spouse for the problems in the marriage. You must ignore some words and actions of your spouse, though they may deeply hurt. You must put your spouse in First Place in a way you've never done before.
The design must balance needs ... needs you have as a person ... needs your spouse has as a person ... and needs of your marriage. You must first think of yourself. You must be of strong and clear mind to most effectively deal with the issues in your marriage. In order for you to do this, you must rest more than you have been, you must eat regular, balanced meals, and you must keep yourself in good physical condition. Most importantly, you must think about your well-being and your future. You will still have a future even if all of your efforts fail. But, odds greatly favor that if you will faithfully adopt and live the Special "As If" Attitude, you will win the full love of your spouse back and your marriage will end up stronger than ever.
Your spouse has two sets of needs that are important right now. The needs s/he feels right now, and her/his core value, "A", needs. You need to meet the needs your spouse has right now ... the ones that reinforce his/her core values ... and ignore the rest. You do this by acting as if you were their friend. Back off from being a spouse ... and let part of you become more of a friend to your spouse. Tell them you just want to be their friend right now. Then back it up. But be a very very special friend ... one who never gets on their butt because they disagree with them. Its O.K. to disagree with something your spouse says or does, "I understand how you feel", "I can relate to that ...", "I can understand why that made you feel that way ... ", etc. You are not saying you agree with their opinion or belief about something, rather that you are agreeing that you understand how they feel. Big difference.
Your Special "As If" Attitude is sensitive to the emotional and physical realities of your particular situation. Here's an example. There are two major phases in developing your Special "As If" Attitude. The first phase is where you put forth a certain type of behavior that is made up of the 'what-you-got-to-do's'. Positive outlook. Being a friend. Those sorts of things. You adopt all of that as soon as you possibly can. And, by "adopt", its meant those attitudes become you ... they become so strong in you that regardless of what your spouse says or does .... regardless .... you keep those attitudes. They serve you in ways that are almost mysterious ... they must be stronger than your weakest point ... they must be stronger than how you normally react to something, including emotionally. They must be stronger than any pain your spouse can inflict on you. You must commit and stick to them. Period.
After you have the core attitudes solidly in place ... and you will know when this occurs ... then, its time for you to shift the management or control of the relationship from your spouse to you.
Right now your spouse thinks they know you -- your patterns of behavior -- so well and they are 'certain' you can't do anything to change the way they feel about you.
* "One of the basic ideas in my book is that if what you're doing isn't working, do something different. A "do your own thing" philosophy is a good one if you have been pleading, begging or trying to control what your spouse is thinking or feeling. If, on the other hand, your spouse has felt unimportant or neglected in the past, your quietly sitting back and not fighting for him/her might be misinterpreted as your not caring enough to do something about his/her actions. You see, what you need to do depends entirely on what you have or haven't been doing in the past. The key is in abandoning strategies that haven't been working and finding something new that does work." * (Michele in a post to someone on this board.)
* Whatever pigeonhole your spouse has placed you into, this is the behavior you must change. You must surprise your spouse by handling the situation differently the next time. Any change might do as long as it is different enough for your spouse to notice, even just a little. Be creative, use your imagination. The single guideline is: The next time you get into the situation where you feel tempted to do the same old thing, do something different. *
You don't make changes in a lot of your behavior, rather you make calculated changes in one or two areas. Then you see what happens. The changes that produce positive reactions in your spouse, you keep. And, remember, 'new and different' is the order of the day. * Lets say you are usually home when your spouse comes in, be gone. Always act happy if you haven't been doing so. Use actions and words that cause your spouse to think you are moving on with your life even if s/he's in a bad mood. Do things without your spouse. Stay clear of your spouse when they are in a bad mood. Try just about anything you haven't tried before and watch the results. * (Michele to someone on this board) If you normally take his/her calls when they come in, don't ... wait two hours if you normally call back immediately; if you normally get back to morning calls in the afternoon, wait until the next morning. If s/he knows you always do one certain thing at one certain time of the week or month, do something else, or nothing. If you always talked and planned on doing something you haven't done, do it ... a class you wanted to take ... a trip you wanted to make, something at home you wanted to fix, etc. This will fulfill a dream of yours and add credibility to the changes you have made. * If you are a laid back person, then fighting for your marriage is what the doctor ordered; if, on the other hand, your spouse perceives you as controlling or strong willed, backing off is exactly what you need to do.* (Michele, in response to a post on this board)
And, very important, the Special "As If" Attitude doesn't get angry. While there well may be a time when it is good for you to act angry with your spouse, its probably best to put off such actions until you really understand what you are doing ... otherwise it can hurt your cause.
Your Special "As If" Attitude doesn't blame your spouse for the condition your marriage is in right now. While both of you may have contributed to its decay, for right now you must recognize you did not properly take care of your spouses' emotional needs. Right now, your spouses' perception of what is wrong with you and your marriage is more important than your perception of what is wrong. The thing about it, though, is that your spouse is more confused than s/he realizes. And, that's why the Special "As If" Attitude pays very close attention to what the spouse says .. and it doesn't believe much of it. You keep the 'good' and acknowledge the rest ... In dealing with your spouse, you reinforce the good ... those words and actions that serve to reinforce core "A" values, without appearing to do so, and you acknowledge -- not accept -- the rest.
Your Special "As If" Attitude does not force anything on your spouse. It starts with you, yourself, and you have to trust s/he will see the changes. This does not happen over night.
Your Special "As If" Attitude is used with everyone, including your spouse, your family, and your friends. Make it a point that friends and family hear your side of the story first and best and most reasonably, if possible. This will tend to reduce the amount of 'support' your spouse gets from those sources. The less support s/he gets, the better it is for you and him/her and the relationship. Few people remain in the same place if they are not supported in that place. If your spouse feels that friends and family 'understand' what s/he is doing, s/he will keep doing it for a much longer time than if they don't.
Your Special "As If" Attitude takes care of you and how you look. If you will step up about a notch in what you wear, this will have a positive impact on your spouse. They don't expect this to happen. When it does, they like what they see ... and the subconscious message you send is one of 'change'. Your self-esteem will improve and you will look better around more people.
Your Special "As If" Attitude includes a positive outlook. Stop worrying about things you can't fix, like the past, and work on the things you can change, the present, the here and now, YOU. It will take time and hard work on your part to show him/her what a great person you are, to remind him/her why s/he loves you, and convince him/her your changes are here to stay. Moping around and feeling sorry about your situation will not convince anyone of anything. If s/he recognizes you have made changes and says the changes have come to late -- you need to recognize what is most important .... s/he is noticing the changes ... ignore the rest ... and just keep working on YOU!
The Special "As If" Attitude model assumes typically * there is a power imbalance in the marriage relationship, where one partner is submissive the other dominant. In a good marriage, there is equality, meaning that partners are able to easily switch back and forth where each is dominant some of the time and the other submissive some of the time. Things are truly shared. When there is an imbalance, the submissive one feels unable to gain equality within the marriage, and goes outside to redress the balance of power. When the submissive partner decides for independence, the dominant one panics and goes for dependence to hold on, resulting in deadlock. The submissive one becomes the deceiver, the dominant the denier. In deception, the spouse becomes a different person doing new things, often finding a new person. The denier holds on by not recognizing the spouse's changes, signals of despair & rebellion, hoping they will go away. It takes two to go the route of divorce, every deceiver needs a denying spouse. Getting out of the marriage is an act of desperation, and often felt as an act of survival. You don't need to divorce to break out of the destructive pattern, just change it. You break with the old -- which is where the problem is -- to do something totally different. *
Your Special "As If" Attitude allows for you to be wrong ... for you to make an error in judgment ... without losing your balance ... without taking backward steps ... or even falling backwards. Do not expect your spouse to SNAP be back. It doesn't happen that way. It happens because what you do leads to some very tiny baby steps, that become toddler steps, that keep changing into longer, more sure-footed strides. And, along the way you will screw up and make a mistake ... some may almost break your heart ... but don't show it to your spouse. Sometimes you may feel depressed; this is normal, but don't let your spouse see or hear you this way. If you will 'get' the real message permeating Michele's materials, it is that everyone makes mistakes, many lead to serious marital situations, and, being human, we can learn how to do better ... how to improve ourselves and all of our relationships, including the one that is the present center of attention ... and actually DO IT!
Some of you may think the adoption and living of this Special "As If" Attitude is too difficult to do. Perhaps because of the pain you feel. The Special "As If" Attitude is all about reducing pain ... and restoring relationships and loves and marriages and families. Use every ounce of will and help from God you can muster, and commit to and DO IT! It works.
Reach deeper within yourself than the pain and hurt you are feeling ... then DO IT!
If you are a woman, imagine the type of woman that is very attractive to a man, a woman with the kind of attitude that is attractive to a man, the kind of woman a great wife would be. If you are a man, imagine the type of man that is very attractive to a woman, a man with the kind of attitude that is attractive to a woman, the kind of man a great husband would be. That image has components that that are different from some of your components right now. Energize that new attitude with powerful positive emotions. You can do it. Practice it and you will get to a point, pretty quickly, where there will be a solid meeting or merger or congruence between your reframed attitude and the emotions that empower it. When you feel it slipping some, then reestablish it the same way you got it there in the first place.
When the 'new' you feels comfortable, go through all of the good and 'bad' stuff that can happen with your spouse. Specific things. Decide with your Special "As If" Attitude how you will deal with those things if they happen. Of course, you will use your highest understanding of the DB principles when you address stuff that might happen. The net effect will be that you definitely will worry less, and worry contributes to ambiguity and poor decisions. You will worry less because you will have a much more accurate understanding of what is really going on in your relationship -- odds greatly favor it isn't near as bleak as it may appear -- and you will know you are dealing with it in a way that works. And, you will be happier because you will know down deep that you are doing the stuff that is best for you, and for your spouse and the marriage. Oh, a minor point -- this will also have a tremendous impact on your spouse. It will tend to drive him or her a little (more) nuts for a bit, when s/he finds that various reactions s/he has learned to expect from you don't happen, and instead something fresh and clean and pure does. This works on a number of levels, at the same time.
Remember, the outlook is not as bleak as you think -- once you understand the book, read the forums suggested to you along with a few hundred of the posts here, you will know that is the truth. The more you learn, the more you will understand how and why to always keep the right attitude. The more you learn, the less stress and anxiety you will feel, while you really work on improving your marriage.
One more thing ... if you haven't forgiven your spouse for the pain they have caused you, DO IT!
Of course there is NO guarantee, that your spouse will come back. But, it is very effective in putting you in control of your feelings. It most certainly will change the dynamics of your relationship, guaranteed.

[NDDT]

Nomo, the books? yes I recieved them and I do thank you.

I hope all is ok in your world. There has been a bit of a negative shift in mine. I am dealing with it ok today.

Damn, just busted out of my game.....oh well.

going to bed