H coming today, what do I do when he asks how I am

[25yearsmlc]

Ladies,

You are doing so well and I ache for the pain you are in right now. No matter what, there WILL be a day that your biggest regret is the length of time you allowed him to wreck your days...but only YOU can determine the exact number.

I'm unclear Morgan, about what your question is re: your h telling others...what? Also, what difference does it make? IF these people run into you and ask how things are going you can say you are separated and if they say "No, he said Divorce" you can say "we're in a real crisis but we are Not divorced." It's the truth and doesn't bad mouth him. If he wants to get angry about it, confront that specifically. "H, if you want the divorce I cannot stop you. I'm not lying about what I'm doing..."

Do NOT fear that he secretly is testing you to see if you'll fight for him. In SOME cases things get stupid like that. But you've been so clear with him that the only thing he can say if you act upbeat is "See, I don't mattter to you!!"" Trust me, even if he convinced himself of that--and he can't unless he's totally bonkers now-- it wouldn't be all bad for you. I mean, AS HE IS NOW, he isn't much of a partner is he?

So why on earth would you be devastated by THAT MAN finally stepping up to the plate and telling the world that he is now, OFFICIALLY and openly ending his marriage and family....don't let him make you do the dirty work, unless and until YOU want to end the limbo and move forward. I mean, are you worried that being upbeat makes it too easy on him? I can see that, but actually I disagree mostly b/c I think being upbeat and dignified makes him look more at himself than any other behavior you could engage in. True, The more upbeat you are, the less discomfort he has for those 3 minutes he faces you. But what if he spends those 3 mintutes watching you fall apart. He MIGHT say he's sorry, and then he'd bolt out as fast as he can...OR he might tell you to pull yourself together, and then he'd bolt out as fast as he can...OR he might say "you deserve it, you're a loser/bitch, etc." and spew, and then leave as fast as possible. Do you think he'd say "OMG< you ARE sad, I'm a fool and want to reconcile asap...." If that is a possibility seems as if it would have happened by now, don't you think?

You've often asked about how negatively being up beat can be interpreted and we've mentioned that the other options pretty much stink and certainly not more likely to win him back. Is there an issue in your past that makes you think he is doing all this to test your love for him? I mean, in theory I guess it's possilble. But haven't you already done all the changes he demanded, and told him you love him, etc? IF you know in your heart that you have, and I think so, then you gotta do something different. And you are and frankly, I think his anger right after leaving the house is a Positive....why would he be angry if he 's so thrilled to be with her?
He MISSES at least parts of his old life and already resents the trade offs that life gives us....(some people realize this as teenagers b/c it's part of growing up...sigh)

The sad day will be when he realizes that OW (btw, over 80% of 2nd M's end in divorce if the new spouse is the reason the first M ended....lots of pressure to live up to, I guess) isn't the be all and end all. God what if SHE cannot MAKE him happy and then what if another OW cannot make him happy, or the job cannot,.....could it be, gasp, HIM and HIS CHOICES????

In my older sister's divorce, it took almost 2 years for her ex to start thinking he'd made a mistake and about 3-4 for him to "get it" and yes, it was too late to salvage things. She had met a man who made her his priority and the R was all important to the new guy (he isn't perfect in my opinion, but he does worship my sister and she is the happiest I've seen her, ever, probably. Nothing to sneeze at...). My older sister maintained her dignity as best as anyone I've seen and I saw her as a role model during my worst times.

On the other side of things, and for lessons in what Not to do, My Younger sister's divorce (hey, I'm one of 9 kids and we have 4 divorces, so I guess we're "above average" in the M department....) was gross b/c my sister didn't know if there was ow, (although we all suspected...) but there was, and no kids so my sister was all alone. In 3 months she Lost 60 lbs, which she needed to do, but it was a helluva way to lose weight. She begged him to stay M and work on things, and I mean BEGGED him, and obsessed and obsessed and screamed, and I flew in from Texas, and I took her to see a shrink to get on meds, and I hid their gun and basically she was a basket case then, and for 2+ YEARS.....my brother said she handled her divorce worse than anyone he'd ever seen and this insulted her a lot. But he was right. She did everything NOT to do. Asked her ex for a hug 2 minutes AFTER the divorce hearing, I didn't know who I wanted to strangle more, her or him. I KNEW HE WAS CHEATING because he signed a pretty good divorce settlement (and she really was incapacitated.) She's a lot stronger now, I have to say. I saw all the signs of OW and mentioned it once. She vehemently denied it and said she had made her h swear on a bible, literally, that he wasn't seeing OW, which he did. 30 days after the divorce, he remarried--it was the fastest he could remarry under Florida law...He said he had to lie b/c he feared she "might do something"....

Though I hate what he put her through, she IS a better woman for all this. Her life has meaning it lacked when she was married to him b/c all she did was revolve around him. He once told her she didn't "do anything" with her life. No job, no kids, gained lots of weight, fluttered around him constantly asking him how much he loved her, asked for love poems for her birthday, and smothered him. In some ways it was her fears that created the very thing she dreaded most; being left.

I digress. Take care ladies, you are stronger and kinder and better than you realize. As for the DB books, I actually bought and read both but liked the Divorce Remedy book better but cannot recall why. If you onlyr read one, I'd say read the DR even though SOME of it overlaps, I found the DB book less helpful b/c it talked too much for me about saving marriages and how bad divorce is. I mean, for ME, I GET IT....others of course might need that exact thing.
good luck,
NO MATTER WHAT ANYONE SAYS HERE, IF IT COMES TO DIVORCE, BE SMART and have a good L, and let the lawyers do their job. you don't have to debate issues or amounts with your h's. That is the Lawyers job and besides, you'll get blamed for bad news to your WAS. Assume your h has seen a L and has planned this for longer than you know. But often the h's don't have an objective outlook about finances and Morgan, when OW sees what your h will pay in child support for 3 little ones, he'll be a tad less attractive. In SOME states, you'll be able to stay at home until the youngest is in school...so you'll get more for that time period... Please tell me Morgan, YOU have seen a L, right? If not, you must asap. Don't tell your h unless he asks and then if you want to admit it, say "I'd have to be an idiot not to see a lawyer when i'm married to a man who is so confused....I need to protect my legal interests...." IF he says you're a witch/shrew trying to screw him, CALL him on that with "You want to vilify me for taking one self protective step. That's unfair and unreasonable and I won't listen to anymore of your lashing out." Then exit, stage left.
j-
PS how do I post on my own thread? Do I start another one with a new title and God forbid, how do I link things? I'm computer illiterate...where are all the little people who should be working for me now to handle this? Oh yeah, there aren't any...