Here's some more spew, even though I should be in bed already.
-I think I have discussed S's obsession with W's garage door being "broken", and how I think that is as close as he can come to voicing his real questions about what the hell is going on. Tonight after dinner, he asked if her garage was still broken, but I goofed and answered that she would have to fix it, rather than my standard answer that he and I can fix it if we really try (I'm worried that the strain is really starting to get to me, and by worrying about it I'm probably making it worse). Anyway, when I told him that she would have to fix it, he immediately got apprehensive and said that W doesn't have any tools. I was still kind of elsewhere, sort of playing the game from my own hurt more than anything else, and I agreed with his statement. He then asked what was the matter with me. Big wake up call. I immediately reassured him, got him laughing, and silently berated myslef for the slip.
-One of my biggest problems, and one that I may not be able to recover from, is that I really was doing well, and then blew it. I'm not sure how much detail I went into about it, because I'm really kind of ashamed of myself, but on July 5th I got the call that I had been working towards for months. I mean, she was right there, telling me how sorry she was, trying to feel out whether or not I was still willing to try and work things out, all that stuff. I played it really cool, up until I recounted a story about S and let my emotions slip into the action a little. Next thing I know, I'm right back to grilling her about her plans, crucifying her for her crimes, basically just making a mess of things again. This allowed her to hit the delete button on all the progress I had made, and I could just kick myself for it. Still trying to get over it, but it is hard: Having trouble keeping up the workout regimen I was doing so well with, I've basically returned to smoking at my previous level, trouble sleeping again, all that stuff. Even screwing up at work more than I was. Poop.
-In the above post, I made reference to there being a couple of reasons why I think OM and her amy have had a falling out. I don't think I have covered this previously, but very early on (Pre-DR), she was supposed to take a trip with her father and step-mother to see her cousin get married. I was to watch S for the weekend, but at the absolute last minute she told me that she would not be going, would be keeping S, and I could basically go jump in a lake because I had threatened to some how "keep" S. She claimed that I had told MIL that W could visit with S sometime, a serious mangling of my words (no such threat was made or even considered, and is truly ludicrous from the outset). I didn't even bother defending myself for long, just asked W if she had seen a doctor/counselor yet (a very hot issue at the time). When she got defensive, I merely hung up on her, went home, started looking for lawyers, and accepted a neighbors invitation to assist in a community project the next day. The next day, I participated in the project, came home and did some yard work, and W calls to see if she and S can come by. I understood very little about DB at the time, but I had definitely pulled off a real coup by just stepping outside of the fight. I know this is really long, but stay with me: A couple of weeks later, during W's first trip to see OM, MIL called me fishing for answers as she was worried about W (also, I think W may have put her up to it, as I had already kind of figured out what was going on, and given W reason to believe that). During that call, I brought up the accusation that W had made regarding the earlier trip, and MIL's role in it. She of course had her own reasons to be defensive about it, but she seemed genuinely shocked by my story and said that W had claimed she "just couldn't face sharing a hotel room with her father and step-mother for the weekend". Nobody is telling a lot of truth these days, but I think that was a lot closer to it than anything W had said to me. Now, here's the real turd in the punchbowl: Dangerous, overly motivated, and willing-to-fight-dirty me had done some research into some of W's traits and behaviors and made a diagnosis that was really beyond any kind of credentials I can claim. I found a book by one of Michelle's colleagues (remember, at the time I was just spinning in desperation, had never even heard of Michelle) named Pat Love, author of "The Truth about Love". This book, however, was titled "The Emotional Incest Syndrome", and covered W like it was written about her. The book confirmed my (already pretty fully developed)suspicions regarding W's unhealthy fixation on her father. Now, I had no business whatsoever acting in such a capacity, but I just plain desperate and scared. Without thinking, I told W (prior to the wedding trip) that whenever she saw any signs of affection from her step-mother to her Father that the feeling she would get in the small of her back, pit of her stomach, or across her chest was her concious moral forebrain overriding an emotional response from her limbic regions. She didn't really understand what I was talking about, probably doesn't even know what the worf "limbic" means, but I think I pretty much zeroed a feeling that she was well familiar with. I think it scared her pretty badly, too. None of this makes me any more attractive to her, I know, but during one of the recent calls I think I probably let a little too much slip about the feelings/doubts she was already having about OM, but had not yet admitted to herself. Some of it was probably pretty harsh, too, but no less acurate. Now, she will never, ever, admit to me that I was in any way "right" in either circumstance, but I'm starting to appreciate how hard it is for her to truly ignore the things I say.
That, or I'm just as crazy and self-aggrandizing as I fear.
Either way, I'm going to bed. Tomorrow's gonna be great. I'm gonna see to that.
