"Why have you choosen to stay so long with someone

[Heywyre]

Lou - yes, accident (4 years ago) was a BIG factor in our SSM but it was happening well before that time, the accident was just the straw ... you know the rest

I don't think there was any one thing that was the culprit in our R falling to pieces, it was a number of things. Before the accident I would have to say the primary "thing" was H working, much to hard, much to long, much too much

He ALWAYS has identified himself with who is is as a "worker". Most of his work life he has been self-employed, so there is even more pressure. When we moved up north in 1994, things were okay but starting to slip. We never should have moved there. It was a "return" for him (having lived there in his younger years for 19 years) and a first time for me. I dreaded pretty much the whole 9 years we were there. He got into a business venture (bought the transportation company he was working for when we originally moved there - much to my chagrin) As much as it did ok, his partner went sideways on him and we ended up in a legal matter we weren't ready for. Thank goodness he had an ironclad shareholders agreement. He bought the partner out but it caused tremendous stress for almost two years because he took 3 other employees with him (opened his own transportation company in competition) and in the first year, our company lost $200,000 on one run alone. It was not good.

I was taking my paralegal course at that time and had my own worries to take care of. That is when the first A happened, when H was deep into his first really deep bout of depression. We made it through that mess and decided to sell the business and leave town. We knew we would eventually anyway because there was no where for me to move up once I had finished my course - it was just sooner than later. We lost money on the house but sold the business before it did too.

We moved to an area that is called the Okanagan (it is primarily orchards/vineyards, wineries and tourism that keeps it going). It was better than where we were but it had its own problems we weren't aware of before we moved there. H was never happy there totally, I managed. One week to the day of arriving there is when we had the accident. It was downhill from there. Because it is a tourist place, everyone wants to live there so employers take advantage and pay much less than anywhere else in the province (employees like to call it the sunshine tax - a penalty basically for living there). Wages were pitiful and H couldn't get a job. I had already been offered two before we moved, because of my qualifications. Needless to say, that didn't exactly boost H's ego (he never said anything and was proud of what I had accomplished but it didn't help matters). Once I had got over the majority of my injuries from the accident, I was left with pain in my shoulder, neck and a constant headache (increasing quite frequently to migraines). I have had one consistent headache since the date of the accident (July 12/03) but have learned to manage it so I am functionable.

H was out of work for almost a year (feeling the pressure more and more of not having work and his wife having to pull the whole financial load) He finally got work for a fraction of what he was being paid before and it was a horrible place to work. But, work was scarce and beggars can't be chosers in his eyes. This place abused their workers something awful, and he voiced his opinions about their work ethics - wrong move on his part. He got fired. Now, as much as it was a wrongful dismissal and he had a wife that knew he would win in a court siruation, it did add to the problems we already had. We commenced a lawsuit and won but it wasn't until we had already moved here that they finally settled out of court. So he constantly had that on his mind, and dwelled on it daily.

In the meantime, he went into another deep depression and that is when the second A happened (ST has confirmed depression is the most common thing men that have As have in common).

We had already talked about leaving that place and moving to where we are now (we had lived here before, had family and friends here and felt it was best to return)

That time he hit rock bottom, he wanted to leave right then and there (middle of the night) and come here. He said he would live with his friend, etc. etc. But the thought of him leaving in that state of mind was frightening to say the least. I took away his keys and after 5 hours, convinced him to come with me to the emergency ward where he saw a male psych nurse and a psychiatrist. He was already on AD but they doubled the dose and within a couple of days, he was coming out of it. He remained in a state of flux and numb for many months afterwards.

It was not until we moved here at the end of July 2006 that things really started to turn around. However, also during that the first 5 months, he continued to go see the OW every Monday (his day off) while telling me he was looking for work (a 3 hour drive each way) He insists, right until this day, that there was nothing physical as of about April or May of last year, it was all emotional by that point, although he continued to give her fairly large sums of money

It has taken him almost that full year to return to what I would consider "normal" for him, but the damage that has been done to me/us and our R, in the meantime will take much longer to repair (if it ever can be totally).