NikkiB #18

[thegoodfight]

NikkiB,

Hi, I just wanted to let you know I admire your dedication to your marriage. I would surmise that he will drop this OW in his own time but because he is not doing it in your time, you are becoming bitter.

My other fear is because his head does seem to be up his A@@ that once he does drop it you may not be willing to commit 100% to the reconciliation, then he will have to try and get you back on board and will probably get discouraged doing so!

Here is my two cents, that texting crap is a real issue for you, understandable so. Tell him he can do it on his own time, but please have respect for you and since it does bother you, you don't want it done in front of you.

I wonder if he is still testing the waters and boundries. My W. starting long conversations late at night with a M. friend, she told him about our relationship difficulties and talks for hours. When I asked her about this she said she needed someone to talk to you, I said thank you for not doing it in front of me since I believe this to not be a healthy practice for reconciliation. I did not say she could not do it, but made it clear I have an issue with it. I will see what happens from there.

[oldtimer]

Nikki,

Just chill for a few days. Don't try to be H's C, don't steer him to self-help articles, and so on.

You have MC coming up. H has said he wants things to work. Address it there.

BTW, you could always try the old assume you know what you are talking about and say with confidence, "H is having sex with PW" at the MC and see how he reacts.

[NikB]

Thanks for talking me down everyone.

I got a little sleep then woke up throwing up a few hours ago. Lovely. I couldn't stand the thought of going and laying back down with H so I slept a little more on the couch. He came out and tried to get me to go back to bed and I actually flinched when he touched me. Wow. I always thought it was weird when people said that happened to them.

I had promised myself I'd make today great but I think it's going to be a covers over the head and some Kleenex morning. I won't let myself wallow all day but I need to for awhile. I hope I at least stop getting sick. I don't even know if it's stress or a bug or something I ate.. probably some combinaton.

I had forgotten how hard it is to live with this in my face every day. I lived with it before, I guess I can do it again.

ST
Hey, I didn't reply to you last night but thanks for checking in. I am sooo not in the mood for anything sex-related with (or without for that matter) H right now, but will keep those ideas in mind for when I'm feeling better.

Cliffy
Thanks. Yeah, I am so far the other direction from detached. I need to get back to that. Actually I woke up so hurt and angry that I am feeling more detached today (lovingly? not so much.. but that'll come back).

Donna
Wow, didn't realize you had that same convo with your H. I hope it's not that too, but who knows. We talked about the MC a little bit. I asked about us both going to the first one (like OT suggested) and H said he didn't want me there because he had to say some things I wouldn't like. That's what prompted me to ask if he was leaving or kicking me out - said I wanted to know now, not wait til Tuesday. He said no, that wasn't it at all. About the only thing worse I can think of is that he is in fact having a full blown A and not just an EA.

I don't think I'll give H any of those articles for the reasons OT mentioned but will take a look myself as a reminder.

Thegoodfight
Thank you so much for your perspective as the WAS! I think the reason I'm becoming so bitter and angry is that he HAD dropped her for about 6 weeks and now she's back more and more. He actually had the nerve last night to tell me that *I* make *HER* feel bad because she knows I don't like her. Are you kidding me?? But you're right, it has to be on his time, and I need to get past it. Also agree I am becoming less and less sure what I want, but I need to remember what my long term goals are.

I like the idea on the texting. His respect for me seems to be somewhere near 0 based on all the lying he's doing but I will at least try.

Oldtimer
Thanks. H has not gotten back up yet, but I was about to ask him to find a place to stay until I can find somewhere to live. I will take some deep breaths, and hold out until MC. If I can stop throwing up I do think I will get out and make myself scarce today and tomorrow though. Considering staying at a hotel tonight just to be away... dunno though. I'll see how the day goes.

ha.. I can't even imagine saying that at the MC. I do expect she will ask him that though. Talk about direct...this lady doesn't let either one of us get away with any crap. I'm amazed how quickly she sees through it, and how effectively she calls us on it (and she does so differently for H vs. me, she's really good).

[oldtimer]

" If I can stop throwing up I do think I will get out and make myself scarce today and tomorrow though. Considering staying at a hotel tonight just to be away... dunno though. I'll see how the day goes."

Good -- do what works for you today, nothing else.

[kml]

Two thoughts for you, Nikki -

- he's right, he DOESN'T deserve you right now. His behavior is not the behavior of someone who is earning back your trust. He's still addicted to OW and she's still manipulating him. He may not get it until he loses you; so long as he gets to wallow in "gee, which one should I choose" land, he's not dealing with reality.

- second, I'll bet you dollars to donuts the appraiser was called by OW, or by your H. Can you contact the appraiser and find out? If it was OW who contacted him - she is trying to destroy your marriage. Get proof (phone records etc.) and maybe H will finally see who she is. If it was H - he may be trying to put something over on you, like refinancing and forging your name. I hate to think those things, but it has happened here. I think this is one situation that warrants some investigation. Go visit that appraiser and find out the real story, would you?

Take care of business, Nikki, and take care of yourself. I know you love the guy, and maybe he will return to himself eventually, but it seems clear that won't happen without some big reality check. And maybe, just maybe, he's telling the truth when he says he can't live up to you. Sometimes that's true - trying to be a better man has just gotten to be too much for them, and they want to sink back to their natural level - with skanky OW.

I think the 24 hour rule is a good idea. get out, takecareof yourself, and find out the real deal with this appraiser.

Ellie

[Reincarnated]

OT-You were right about not giving H the articles--I am still struggling with the control thing, and will have to get a MUCH better handle on that if/when H decides to do some work.

I was looking at them myself when I read Nikki's post. It is naive, but I hadn't read anything on infidelity before the last week or so, because I was CONVINCED that my H would never do that. I will never doubt that inner voice again.
I don't know if the acceptence earlier would have helped me at all, but I do feel stronger now, knowing and accepting (not agreeing with) the truth.

Nikki, take care of you today. If not a hotel, a girlfriend's house for the night? Hope you feel better...

[NikB]

Hi Ellie,

Thanks for posting.

Yeah... I'm finally getting my self esteem up enough to realize your first point. I really hope the MC can help with this, I'm at a loss.

I am fairly confident it wasn't H who called the appraiser as I heard the answering machine message, and the guy both had my name and sounded like he had talked to me before. It was a weird message, he said something about hoping I got home safely too?? And please call to make an appt. I also don't think H would be dumb enough to give our home # if he was trying to pull something - he usually gives people his cell #. It hadn't occurred to me it might be her, though. Is it sick that part of me hopes so??

[inspiredjulie]

Hey Nikki...

Sorry for your tough times right now. Thinking of you!

[NikB]

Ooookay... while I was posting that I was also calling the appraiser back (he's called twice this AM and I didn't answer, recognized it on the caller ID).

He answered and here was the conversation: (A=Appraiser)

Me: Hey this is Nikki, you left me a message about an appraisal of some sort.
A: [read off 3 numbers (!!) and asked which one was me]
Me: [confirmed the #] I was just wondering, where did you get my information? [polite tone]
A: What do you mean? I don't have your information.
Me: You had my name and phone number. Where did you get it from?
A: I don't have your name.
Me: You left it on the answering machine message that you left me. I didn't contact you so I am just trying to figure out where the information came from.
A: Oh, maybe it's a wrong number.
Me: That could be, but somehow you had my name too. Did you get this from a referral card, did someone call you...??
A: It must be a wrong number, sorry about that. I don't have your information. Wait is your name [some totally off the wall name I couldn't even understand]?
Me: No, it's Nikki. You left it on the answering machine message also.
A: Oh well, that might be right, this is hard to read.
Me: So you're reading it from somewhere, where did you get the number?
A: I don't have any information. [and he was sounding really uncomfortable at this point]
Me: [realizing this is going NOWHERE] Ok well, please stop calling, I don't need an appraisal. Thanks.

WTF?????

I tried a couple reverse phone lookups but all I could find is that it's a cell number. The company name he left on the message doesn't appear to exist unless I spelled it totally wrong, the message was kind of garbled. He also doesn't answer his phone with a company name - just "Hey, this is Miles."

Is this just a totally weird coincidence and some nutjob got my phone #, or is something else going on??

[NikB]

(((Julie)))

Thanks so much. I know I don't post to you that much but I read your thread and you inspire me daily.