It is finally out, he wants a D

[sadhearted]

Yes it does. And also one of my H's favorite sayings.

[HSSweetheart]

We had a financial planner last night at the flying solo mtg. We all agreed it was a waste. She didn't talk to our population. Kept referring to different insurances we should have, emergency fund, etc. Hey, we are just trying to keep our heads above water at this point. I have no extra for emergency funds and kids college etc etc etc!!!

[HSSweetheart]

My H started crying the other night. I had given him a full body massage during the night which he really liked. He said he was sooo confused. I didn't ask and he didn't elaborate. I wish I could've read his mind.

Last night he went out like he usually does on Fri's. Didn't come home until 3:30 am. He said they were celebrating his b-day coming up. He has the day off and I want to do something but I don't want to scare him off by asking. So I am playing it cool. I bought him tickets back in Jan for the Beatles Love show so I am not getting him anything but a card now.

[sadhearted]

At least he's showing emotions and admitted he was confused. Wish mine would.

I'm having a very sad weekend. My H's grandma is being sent home today to die. I'm sad, he's sad but we can't be there for each other. I had to call him yesterday to tell him the news. All I want is to BE there for him. Wish he'd let me.

[sadhearted]

At least he's showing emotions and admitted he was confused. Wish mine would.

I'm having a very sad weekend. My H's grandma is being sent home today to die. I'm sad, he's sad but we can't be there for each other. I had to call him yesterday to tell him the news. All I want is to BE there for him. Wish he'd let me.

[HSSweetheart]

I think it is sad when something gets in the way that you cannot share a lose together. You both loved her together, why can't you grieve together? That is just wrong. I guess he would think that was weak or that he needed you for something. BS! Maybe he will reconsider when it happens to let you in, even just a little. Let him know that you are hurting too.

[sadhearted]

Thanks.

I talked to my BIL a little bit ago and she has fluid building up again. A nurse came out at 3 this morning. They have given her 24 hours. I talked to my H before hand and told him I was going to see her today if he was interested in going with me. So we'll go down in a couple hours.

I know this sucks. I don't know why he won't let me help. It makes no sense to me. When we went to the hospital to see her after we left he sat in the van for about an hour before he got out to leave. So maybe when the time comes he'll let me but when I was talkig to him earlier it felt like he doesn't want anything to do with me. Though it could just be he's just upset and sad.

[HSSweetheart]

Today is my H's 42nd b-day. He doesn't like b-days because it makes him feel older and more of a failure. Too bad, b-days should be fun! We had a family dinner yesterday which was nice. Taking him to dinner today.

[CMNM]

HSS,

I am going to try with you once more, because I really think you need a helping hand. I say once more, because I tried to help you once and you turned on me quite nastily. It was when you were very first on here and you had a different screen name. I suggested that you show some independence and let your screen name reflect that. You weren't too pleased with my advice.

But, I will try again, because I think that your thread will continue to just be a place to feel sorry for yourself and the only visitors you will get are those in that same frame of mind. I really am not trying to hurt you by saying this. I want you to be able to move forward from where you are stuck.

Your last post about your H's b-day is what prompted me to write. You said your H hates his b-day, then you said, "too bad." I don't get this. If he hates his b-day, why don't you respect that and do exactly what he wants, even if it is nothing at all? If you want your H to like you more, why would you so blatantly disregard his feelings? EVEN IF he does go to dinner and ends up having a good time, in the state he is in it is quite possible that later on all he will remember is that you didn't listen to him and you pushed your own agenda.

I notice in your posts that you blow him off a lot like this. For example, with having sex. He says he shouldn't, you say, "that's ridiculous!" Can you see how demeaning that could be to him? He is obviously very confused. You just keep doing more of the same, almost as if pounding him over the head with how dumb his feelings are will work for you somehow.

Again, I am not trying to make you feel bad. I just would really like you to read thru this thread and see that you rarely really talk very well of your H. I wonder what it is you want back so badly? Yes, you do nice things for him, such as cooking nice meals or giving massages, but your H seems to be crying out for something much more than those surface things. I would understand if he doesn't feel as if he can talk to you about his issues. You don't seem to make it easy for him, and you seem to disagree rather than to really listen to his point of view.

HSS, since you have been here it has been more of the same from you. At what point will you see that it is not working? You are mired in such negativity. It is quite honestly hard to read your posts at times.

I really hope that instead of getting defensive, you will take these words to heart. Sit down and re-read this thread. Make notes of the negative things you said about your H and also note the times you disregarded his feelings. You will have to see that it is quite excessive. How could anyone feel good in that house? It seems that it would be one very uncomfortable place to be.

None of us wanted our spouses to leave. But telling them how dumb they are for doing it (or simply believing this to be the only problem that got you here)ain't gonna get them back. If you want your H to stay, as hard as it is, you are going to have to suck it up and get a better attitude. Really, if you were him, would you want to stay? Look beyond the meals and "benefits." If you take away those, what are you to him? And if you can't find an answer to that, it is certainly time to figure out what is lacking and how to get it.

I hope you take this in the spirit it is intended.

Pam

[HSSweetheart]

Thank you for your response. I agree with some of what you said, but not all. I do not disregard his feelings. If he wants sex, fine, if not fine too. I may disagree and tell him so, but it is still up to him. I do not initiate anything, I leave it up to him.

And about his birthday. I did not push anything. I said too bad because birthdays can be fun and he misses the whole point. I did not say it to him though. I did not even have a party for him as I would have liked to. So I DID do what he wants. But his sister did have a party which hurts me deeply. She is allowed to but I am not. That doesn't make sense. But we do always go out to dinner for all of our birthdays, including the kids.

And I am sorry if you feel that I don't talk about him well, but I feel the need to write when I am upset. I do not always write when I am happy so you are not seeing that side. And yes, I cannot understand his feelings about leaving. But since he doesn't open up I don't know what he is thinking. But this is nothing new, you make it sound like he shut down or something. He has never communicated. I make it a point to tell him my feelings and whether something bothers me that he does. I treat him like the king of the castle. I want him here because I love him and know that there can be a better relationship if he would just be willing to try. All he wants however is to keep to himself and to go out to drink with friends. He is like a 17 yr old who wants no one to tell them what to do. I have always been an adult even in a child's body, doing what was right. I am responsible and he hates that at times. I do not drink, I never have. I do not party. I do not take risks. I am boring i that way. Goody-two shoes I suppose. But he knew that when he married me. HE changed, not me. Started losing weight because he wasn't happy with himself. That turned into a drunk party every weekend and late nights. Now it is a weekly thing. And I have let it go, even though I hate it. I let him have his "alone" time because he apparently needs it. But that in itself hasn't seemed to help. He is like a caged animal that just paces to get out. How do I deal with that? I have just been the best me I can be. Let him do whatever he wants, I pretend I am a single parent most times. I don't call to check on him, I don't even ask him to do stuff around the house. He is living every man's dream life.... Wish I could live without responsibility for even a day!!!