i know the feeling, i left the house so w could clear out. when i came back i was furious, just cleaned out. friend i was with started laughing uncontrollably, i couldn't help but laugh either. funny thing she really didn't take much. also could be worse, my bud got kicked out. w couldn't make the payment and calls and says it is his. he goes home and there is a nightstand, a bar stool and a matress on the floor no sheets. haha. sad part is he is a great dad, and and ended up with full custody, sold the place bought a huge duplex and each d has her own room.
ok back to you, hey did you notice two big things here. first w went over a list of items with you, can we say partnership. that is a good sign, i hate to see she is leaving, but she is willing to work with you, even if it is this. two, five blocks away, that had to be on purpose. she wants to remain close. yes change your driving route, but don't be surprised to see her checking up on you.
Hey G! Just getting back in town and catching up. Haven't read your thread yet, but wanted to say hello! Also, did you get my email back to you last week?
Later, Nomo
M 39 W 39 M'd 10 yrs; T 14 yrs S7 D4 Bomb 5-8-05 W not working on M 1-22-07; EA 2-22 DB 4-10 S 6-11 No more C Link
Well I did dwell upon this all night at work. Came real close to telling the boss I was sick at about 330am, and come home did not, stuck it out.
I did make a decision last night....first some more background.
1 year ago, me and wife were hot and heavy house hunting. We had been looking for awhile, but we were getting more serious. I did have an inkling at the time that she was not happy, but I thought if I gave in and got a house with her that she would be happy.
Obviously getting a house is not what it took to make her happy as she left within 8 months.
We saw a few places that we liked, and put in a few bids. We missed 1 house by $1000, that one had an upstairs apt, I really wished we had got that one because the extra income would help alot right now. But anyhow, this was the 3rd house we bid on, we were the first people to look at it, and immediatly told the seller that we want it pending inspection. It all checked out and we financed out and bought this place. I do like this house. But I am not keeping up with the payments. Well I am, but I have been doing cash advances on my cc accounts to keep my bills paid. I am slowly sliding further in debt.
Now before we bought this house, I was paying all of the rent at the last place along with all of the household bills. She took care of groceries. I told her that if we were going to step up from rent to a house payment I would need some contribution from her towards this. She just got a promotion and I was asking her to contribute a bit less than 20% of her take home towards the mortgage. I took care of the rest of bills, and she the groceries. Leaving us both leftover cash.
Onw of her big gripes was that when she contributed, she saw that I used some of the money to go out. I used my check to pay mortgage and bills. The money she kicked I used for my expenses, gas, cigs, fun money. It all was in the same pile, I was keeping up my end plus.
Anyhow as of early May, shortly after she left she stopped kicking any money towards the mortgage. Leaving me with all of the bills, plus the mortgage to boot. I am sinking slowly like I said......
When we bought this house, it was based upon both of our incomes. Her name is on all of the papers right next to mine. She is liable right along with me on that mortgage note.
I really would like to see our marriage survive this. But on the other hand, I do not see why I should allow myself to fall into finacial destruction while I wait. I wait for her to drop more bombs on me.
What choices do I have?
1. Keep doing like I have, and slide further and further in debt.
2. Not pay the mortgage and allow this house to go into foreclosure, thus destroying both of our credit?
Or maybe it is time to stop the bleeding.
The decision I did come to is that I am going to seek legal counsel on this. I am not going to file, but see if I do have some other options that I do not know about.
I think that it maybe time to attempt to sell this place, most likely at a loss. She has definatly put me in a spot. Perhaps it is time that I so to speak turn the tables. I am thinking that perhaps we list the house, and give her the option of either keep up her end of the mortgage payments until such time as we sell or that she completely signs off on this house. If she signs off perhaps I could pull a refiy and save it? dont know if that is possible.
But perhaps it is time to put her in a bind about this? Probably will not help save my marriage, but maybe save myself from finacial ruin. Where does dbing end and self preservation start?
I will think about this alot, and not make any moves without careful consideration........ but enough is enough too.........
Ok I admit I am angry, but I am going to check out my options.
Hey ND - I think it's time to cut your loses with the house. We had to list our house as well. As much as we want to hold on to the past it's gone. Sell it and take care of yourself and keep Dbing. If you guys work it out you can always buy again some day. I am seriously considering filing for Sep. because my WAW is being careless with our money as well.
Well I could not get in today. But the appointment is made. I guess that is good as it gives me more time to consider as to exactly what I want to discuss, and which way I want to move this thing. I am going to pick up my daughter in just a bit and will be back tommorow sometime.
Sell your place yourself, cut out all the real estate commissions. I know it takes some leg work and such, but that will help save some. I would ask around were you live and someone will know the best way to do this.
Did the drive to my brothers and back today. about 240 miles RT. My girl was so good on the way back, never even had to stop once for a break or anything. We stopped at Wal Mart and I bought her a stuffed animal as a reward.
I did have alot of thinking time as we drove too....(except when I ran over the racoon.....yeeechh) Was really pondering this money/house situation. Will it help my situation to put some monetary pressure on her? no, probably not. On the other hand will it help my situation to allow myself to go into financial ruin? If indeed I do end up not with her, definately will not help my cause. If she does some day decide to come back? Still would not look too appealing to come back to a guy that is financially crushed.
I will ponder this for a few days, as my apointment is on Weds. Need to make some decisions on this, and well so does she....
I also got to thinking about why do I even want to try to hang in there and work this out? I mean yeah we did have our issues. But I did not come home and beat her, or come home snot slinging drunk. (Ok maybe twice (( the drunk part)) in the last year) But I am a pretty stand up guy. I always held a job, provided as best I could. Tried to be there for her and my kid. But it seemed to me as if she had been looking for a reason, (in retrospect) to bail for some time now. Maybe this is just not meant to be? The luck of the draw and I drew bad?
At the first hint of "I am not happy" so it must be "his" fault, she cuts and runs........... Why should I even care/hope?
Then a thought invades my mind. Maybe this is what is meant by hanging in there through hard times? I dont know. As of now I am not yet ready to give up........ things are about to get harder I know, but not yet. I need to work on the financial part, that security I do need, for myself soon. But I think I can be patient on the marriage part for some time yet. This may mean only another month or it may mean 2 years, cant say. Not going to put a time limit on it either way, but for today, now, even with all of this other crap going on, I still have a spark of hope. I am probably going insane........
((NDDT)) Stay strong...I know how you feel...the H won't make any decisions as to what to do...to D or not to D....it just gets frustrating! I continue to to enjoy life and the things that I enjoy doing....I know that the financial things must be very hard for you. But hang in there. Continue to stay positive and know that you have all of us to vent to.... Christa
H-32 Me-29 T-10years M-4yr (10/04) Me- WAW 1/07 I filed for D 2/07 D put on hold 5/07 H re-files for D 9/08 WOW! trying MC 10/08
"Work like you don't need the money, dance like nobody is watching, love like you've never been hurt!"
Well she is going to come pick our daughter tommorow. She said that she will have a list ready for me, for the "Pillage of the Home" to occur sometime the week starting the 8/5. I am glad at this point that she plans on giving me a list, gives me a chance to perhaps debate items with her. From what she told me on the phone, I did not hear anything that I disagree with. After she does remove what she wants, the locks are getting changed. I do plan on keeping my legal appointment on Wednesday.
I really do not to escalate things more than they are, but it is time to cover my butt somewhat........ I sure wished that things did not have to be like this..
Right now the best I can do today, is to work on a neutral mental attitude. I am doing ok with that.......
Another thought occurred to me, I think this is a good one. Some of you may laugh at this, but sometimes I feel like such a slow wit......
The thought:
"I need to treat "The Pillaging of the Home" and the other financial concerns of mine as 2 seperate items"
Like I said sounds stupid, but it just occurred to me. Lets get the pillaging part done first, lest my reaction to what she takes and doesnt take clouds my judgement on the financial part. Likewise if she is coming at this pillaging part as fairly agreeable, and willing to work with me, why would I want to piss her off beforehand?
Let her get "her" stuff. Work through that first....... Talk to my legal council, see what there opinion is. Then move on to what comes next....
Hey I appreciate all who read these ramblings of a semi insane me. I guess what I am really doing here is sort of free form journeling.
Christa