Not so fast!

[indybyathread]

Don't think I did my best DBing last night! H is here for the weekend because it is his weekend with the kids and, as we've established in earlier posts, he has no stable place to take them. He invited me to play a game with him after the kids went to bed. We actually played a couple different games and had a decent time but we both had a few too many beers and the conversation turned personal in the wee hours.

I was careful not to judge him, at least not to express my judgements. I listened to him tell me again and again how he feels like a guest in this house and has to have a place to call his own before he can decide who he is and what he wants. Whenever it would get down to my role specifically in his feelings he would say it was just too complicated, there were too many factors, he was sorry there was not more that he could tell me.

He asked me some questions about myself and I cried a little. I told him how hard I am trying to get on with my life but that I'm not doing as well as I seem. He had commented that he was envious of me for having my own place where I could spend time advancing myself and learning about myself. It really hurt for him to say that because I am the one left here with two kids and NEVER any time to myself. I told him that I still can't get used to having lost the person who I knew would always be there, that I'm sad most of the time but pushing myself to keep going. I think I revealed more than I should have. I showed my needy side. I know that isn't the best approach but it is tough when you are sitting there across from him and he is telling you that your home is a foreign place to him.

And, all you want to do is touch him... God that is so hard. It makes you feel so unattractive to know that he can feel nothing, that there is no desire there at all. It really smashes your ego.

Anyway, the REALLY stupid thing I did (at least I think it was stupid) was ask him if I could lie down with him for a time. I promised I wouldn't touch him but I just wanted to be near him. He said, "Sure." I told him I felt like I was a little kid. He said it was OK. I didn't touch him. He didn't touch me. I fell asleep and really, really slept, better than I have in a long, long time. I felt him get up to go to the bathroom this morning and decided to go back to my own bed. He came in and said, "I was just going to the bathroom." I guess he wanted me to know that he hadn't left the bed because I was there. I told him that I hadn't meant to stay that long and didn't want to confuse the kids when they woke up. We both went back to sleep in our own beds.

I don't know how far I set things back, or if I did at all. This is all so hard, so confusing. I just want him to snap out of it, remember what we have always been to each other, tell me he's sorry for all the stupid insensitive things he's said and that he doesn't even know the guy who said them. I know I have never seen this current guy before this past year. I wish he would go away. I want my best friend back.