NikkiB #18

[NikB]

Thanks for talking me down everyone.

I got a little sleep then woke up throwing up a few hours ago. Lovely. I couldn't stand the thought of going and laying back down with H so I slept a little more on the couch. He came out and tried to get me to go back to bed and I actually flinched when he touched me. Wow. I always thought it was weird when people said that happened to them.

I had promised myself I'd make today great but I think it's going to be a covers over the head and some Kleenex morning. I won't let myself wallow all day but I need to for awhile. I hope I at least stop getting sick. I don't even know if it's stress or a bug or something I ate.. probably some combinaton.

I had forgotten how hard it is to live with this in my face every day. I lived with it before, I guess I can do it again.

ST
Hey, I didn't reply to you last night but thanks for checking in. I am sooo not in the mood for anything sex-related with (or without for that matter) H right now, but will keep those ideas in mind for when I'm feeling better.

Cliffy
Thanks. Yeah, I am so far the other direction from detached. I need to get back to that. Actually I woke up so hurt and angry that I am feeling more detached today (lovingly? not so much.. but that'll come back).

Donna
Wow, didn't realize you had that same convo with your H. I hope it's not that too, but who knows. We talked about the MC a little bit. I asked about us both going to the first one (like OT suggested) and H said he didn't want me there because he had to say some things I wouldn't like. That's what prompted me to ask if he was leaving or kicking me out - said I wanted to know now, not wait til Tuesday. He said no, that wasn't it at all. About the only thing worse I can think of is that he is in fact having a full blown A and not just an EA.

I don't think I'll give H any of those articles for the reasons OT mentioned but will take a look myself as a reminder.

Thegoodfight
Thank you so much for your perspective as the WAS! I think the reason I'm becoming so bitter and angry is that he HAD dropped her for about 6 weeks and now she's back more and more. He actually had the nerve last night to tell me that *I* make *HER* feel bad because she knows I don't like her. Are you kidding me?? But you're right, it has to be on his time, and I need to get past it. Also agree I am becoming less and less sure what I want, but I need to remember what my long term goals are.

I like the idea on the texting. His respect for me seems to be somewhere near 0 based on all the lying he's doing but I will at least try.

Oldtimer
Thanks. H has not gotten back up yet, but I was about to ask him to find a place to stay until I can find somewhere to live. I will take some deep breaths, and hold out until MC. If I can stop throwing up I do think I will get out and make myself scarce today and tomorrow though. Considering staying at a hotel tonight just to be away... dunno though. I'll see how the day goes.

ha.. I can't even imagine saying that at the MC. I do expect she will ask him that though. Talk about direct...this lady doesn't let either one of us get away with any crap. I'm amazed how quickly she sees through it, and how effectively she calls us on it (and she does so differently for H vs. me, she's really good).