Oh Agent99 stay strong and focused on you. I wish my H and I were having sex as at least I would have some stronger hope. That is such a connection for men that at least you know he has feelings left for you.
So I completely lost it last night. They say you fight, flee or freeze...well my mind went to flee. I woke up my H and told him I couldn't handle it, I needed to be by myself and I was leaving right then. He was floored and said how could I do this, leave my child, what did he do wrong etc etc. I just starred at him thinking why was it OK for you to walk out 3 times yet you can't understand my need to run. So I said this and he said it is different as he had an affair. As if that justifies everything. So I was very emotional and totally not "db'ing" and basically after more round and round circles I feel separation is the only option. He is so convinced he could never love me again, and he has to see if this other relationship can be anything. Oh and if not, then maybe we would have another chance - barf! I leave next week for vacation with my DD but I think after that time, I will have to make some serious decisions. I can't watch my husband leave to be with OW and then come home to be a "family" (his words) until the next time. This is so *^UTU^ked up!!! I am so frustrated with all this and I think I am going to do what is right for me even if it is completely wrong for him. Although losing him is wrong for me. I know he is going through so much more than just our M problems and he expects me to stand by him through all this while he gets the best of both worlds. I just don't think I am that strong. Oh and I started reading DR - it actually depresses me because I know we could fix our M but H is so sure it can't be I feel like giving him the book and saying - read this, or the other books I've read - read it and understand that we can be happy together. But that won't work and if he is not open to me how do I show him...I guess I'll just keep reading. Well, that felt good to get out - didn't solve anything but I think I will buy a journal today. Happy Saturday
