Trudging up hill

[ediemarie]

Ok - So H was away for 5 days, but came home on Tuesday. We had a brief R talk on Monday night, which was the catalyst for his returning. At that time, he said everything was good. He was happy in our M and wanted things to work. It wasn't an intense conversation, but I told him that one of my fears is that he would just one day walk away (in retrospect, it was a dumb thing to say). He said that wouldn't happen. Assured me he loves me, and wants to be with me.

We've had a good couple of days together. We get along great and he truly is my best friend. Last night we began planning a last minute trip for next month, had a drink together on our porch, watched a thunder storm rumble by and then I went to bed around 11 pm. At 3 AM I woke up. I don't know what caused me to wake up but, H wasn't in bed. The TV was on in the living room, but H was nowhere to be found. After searching around the house and outside, no H - car gone. I then found a letter on the kitchen table. It was short - not so sweet. He said he needed a break for awhile, he loves me, and would call me in awhile. I called his cell phone and left a message just saying that I love him, understand this is a tough time, it would probably help if he spoke with someone (I mentioned 2 people that he looks up to that he could speak to) and said that our relationship was alot to walk away from but I wouldn't stand in his way if that is the solution he thinks is best for him.

UGH! (i then proceeded to check our bank accounts and discovered he removed $700 from our savings account. So I did what any sane woman would do at 3 AM after discovering her husband went out for the proverbial loaf of bread, I drove around for an hour and a half and smoked about 10 cigaretts - I hate cigaretts - i think they're gross and now I feel like vomitting...)

Thanks guys for posting here. I appreciate it!

Hi Cat - thanks for your insight - we've both done individual counseling, but not marriage. H never completed his IC because he felt it was too expensive - the truth is that he was faced with a picture of himself he wasn't too proud of, and they were just getting to the point where he was beginning to see why he does what he does - and he didn't like it. So he stopped going. Recently, before I could even suggest marriage counseling,again, he said he wasn't emotionally ready for it and I think that's an accurate assumption. He needs to get his head screwed on properly before we can work on us.

Hey Mr - As tempting as it is to attract the eye of another to pass the time away and float my bruised and wounded ego, I have been reminded by others (such as my mother) that just because he went off and did this horrible thing, I don't have license to do the same. You bring up a good point, though - a kiss on the cheek would have done wonders for you...I don't know what would do wonders for my H. I've sincerely tried the supportive I love you kiss kiss...the you need space? here ya go...the pouting, begging, crying...the waiting, the GALing...I'm at a loss.

Delia - thanks. Yes, I do think that it's renewed interest in her. Or at least the break up stage - I want to believe the guilt thing - that would be great and would give me some satisfaction, but it's not realistic. As far as I know he hasn't seen OW since June 20 - that was the last day of school. He may still be emailing/speaking to her..I just don't know to be sure. He claims he isn't - but, well, you know. I have asked H to quit his job (this was last year after I discovered the A) but he couldn't quit mid year (he says couldn't/ I say wouldn't). He says he's not going back to that same school this year, BUT, he hasn't quit yet, and he hasn't found another job. Nor has he looked. I can't stay in this m if he doesn't quit. That is a deal breaker for me. There is no way that our m can get better if he still sees her on a daily basis. And he sees her, a lot.

In regard to friends: all of our friends were friends from our church. Prior to my H's affair he and I had pretty prominent roles in our church. When his affair became known, he was ex-communicated and prohibited from associating with anyone that goes there (including my grandparents/uncles/counsins, etc) - this is a story in and of itself - suffice it to say, that in our hour of need, we were abandoned. I had a choice to make at that time, I could either go someplace like that (which, why would I do that?) or find a new church and stand by H while we tried to figure out which way was up. I chose to leave crazy church behind (and family that lives locally) and go someplace new while figuring out R. I haven't really put down roots in my new church and that is certainly something i plan on doing, but haven't...it's so hard to make new friends.

Anyway - I'm thinking about joining the Y.

I'm also thinking that when H calls, not to answer the phone - it would be like me to pick up immediatly. I want to talk to him, but I want him to wonder...I don't know...