Lessons from a former WAS

[sadhearted]

TGF,

I am hopeful I can bring him back. We have gone to counseling in the past but he wanted no part of it before he left. Maybe if I can get him back then he'll go.

Yeah I've told him the kids and I want him back, that he's welcome to come home. I haven't said that in recent weeks. When I did say it I heard nothings changed why would I come back.

So I'm leaving him alone not talking about our R and hopefully letting him think on his own.

I just got an email from him. He wants to stop by and see the kids after work. His new job is across the street from the house... I told him that was fine.

[kaydeekay]

He said he doesn't trust anyone including me right now.

TGF,

My H has said the same thing to me as sadhearted's H told her. When they are saying this, are they actually saying they don't trust themselves most of all and then others? Is this them projecting on to us?

[Kelley]

I wish that I could tell my H to come back that the kids and I do want you home but I seriously don't think that he is ready to hear that right now. I want to ask him but everybody here says that he needs to bring up the R talk. I don't know if he is still involved with this OW or how much that he is involved with her since nobody will tell me anything.

Sadhearted my H said the same thing to me when I kicked him out of the house. How long do you think it will take before we are miserable again or he is drinking again. I think that he is still unsure at this time because the day I kicked him out and we were talking about things he did ask me if I thought that our M was worth saving. I told him that I do or at least did until I found that thing he wrote about desperatley wanting to be with this OW and feeling happy again but having to pay a great price to be with her because he would be losing his kids.

[sadhearted]

It amazes me how all of our spouses are saying the same things...

I believe mine is also unsure. Hoping anyway.

[thegoodfight]

To answer the question about trust; yes we don't trust ourselves (WAS) and we also don't trust that efforts will be made to change things.

This is not justification; but as painful as it might be to hear this; chances are each one of us did something, or did nothing at all which contributed to the breakdown of this R. The difficulty I have witnessed first hand because of the hurt on the LBS is communicating that they understand and know it wasn't all the person who left or had an A's fault.

In the past when I have had some talks about the R. with my W. I told her I take responsibility for my part in the breakdown of the R. I know we can regain what we had, but I need your help in doing that. The reply was this is all your fault I did nothing wrong. You went outside the marriage not me! I said it is true that I handled issues the worst way possible, but I want to help resolve this no matter the direction.

My belief is until my W. gets past the act and is interested in resolveing the issues we will be stuck in a stalemate. I bring this up because I stress this; when I came back three months ago I was willing to work on it all; with the cold shoulder and the indecisiveness continously going on it is sometimes difficult to remain focused on the goal.

The point is act as if and get ready for the day that your WAS will come home and how will you handle it! I do not know the formula for perfect communication, but the last thing you need is when given a chance to work it out is another change of heart by one party or the other.

Choose to Forgive or don't forgive, but either way make a choice and work toward accomplishing that. Regardless of the outcome you will feel better once you have accepted what has happened and all the talking or pondering of the act won't change what happened.

Move forward not on, I am moving forward whether my W. jumps on board or not I have been in a stalmate for too long.

[sadhearted]

Your right it took both of us to get to where we are today. After he left I sat down and looked at how I was acting or what I was saying and I realized I was at fault also. I've apologized and owned up to my mistakes. He tells me sometimes he thinks I get it and other times he thinks I still don't know what the problems are. I'm working to better myself so that I won't be the same person as before. I'm hoping one day he'll decide he can trust me again and come home. Sometimes it's really hard to act as if. Until then I'm just not sure if there's anything I can do or say that will help him trust me again or if this is something he's going to have to figure out on his own and I need to just leave him alone.

Oh he did say to me just because I (him) changed doesn't mean you (me) can.

[chele]

I too am in this same boat, my H told me he wanted to separate 17/7/07 and I had no idea. We actually live apart due to work situation, (he is Navy), He has been back twice since once to talk to me in person as he told me over the phone and he said he felt guilty for doing that. I organised a counceling session and he went along but wasn't interested in doing anymore as its a waste of time. He came back yesterday to get more of his things and try and sort out financial problems. He has lost a lot of weight and looks very sad and depressed. He said he was very uncomfortable coming back. I did all the "right" things, stayed positive, no R talk, only got teary a little bit but controlled it and gave him what ever he wanted out of the house. I did tell him what I expected financially and he said he would pay whatever he had to. He did give me a long hug when he left, and we are now on good speaking terms as he wouldn't answer my calls before. What do I do next?? He won't be coming back here still september, unless I move before then, and then he has to come back as we are in a military house.
Any suggestions will be great.

[thegoodfight]

All I can say for sure if they are interested enough to bring up fears and communicate then we have a chance. Once they stop communitcating over an extended period of time; it is time to Move on as well as forward.

Chele keep talking to him and when the opportunity presents itself ask him if you two could meet for dinner or something when he returns in Sept. Apart from that I would ask advice of a professional, because all people are different and what works for one doesn't always work for all.

[chele]

Thanks for that. Hopefully when he comes up next time I will get the opportunity to do that

[Kelley]

Sadhearted,
I did the same. Got some books and realized what I was doing wrong that help contributed to this problem. I want to tell him this and I have apologized also. I hope he keeps these letters that I have given him and will re-read them if he is still confused and realize that I would change if he came back. I never was a great communicater either and I feel also that I just don't know what to say to him sometimes and I just don't think that he will ever want to come back because our problems went on for so long before this happened.