:::sigh::: just talking outloud here for a minute...

Saturday, 2am, obvious she isn't coming back. Her house is completely empty. Kids have been placed whereever they are going to be (I have a good idea) obviously. She appears to have just left all of her past at her house. She owes as much on the house as it's worth so it'll be interesting to see if she just lets her finance company take it.

She didn't stop by to pay me anything so its obvious she just plans on ripping me off (the total is around $2k now for all of you people just telling me to forget it - the laptop is brand new; I'm still making Staples charge payments on it, this is month #2 and I have no idea how I'm even going to make the minimum payment on it this month; I guess I screwed up).

So why do I miss this girl? Relationships and friendships are so strange. I feel like I could walk up to her at her job and say either "I miss you" or the totally opposite "How could you do all of this to me?"

It's still just so weird to me. I understand all of what everyone has typed. I was not her perfect fit. Opposites attract, I guess. She had many emotional problems. But she was a great trustworthy friend for so long and then BAM. The move thing was just so sudden and unexpected I almost can't believe it. I never actually thought that there would be something I couldn't talk to her and resolve.

I was prepared for the possibility of another affair somewhere in my mind for sure when the clues started. For whatever reason, I moreso just wanted to find out the truth and then thought it would be ultimately resolved as the first was with her stopping it and some apologies. Something she told me in our last week was that maybe we should break because she always told herself if she broke my heart a 2nd time that she would leave me alone. I wonder if thoughts like that were real or just what. How could any part of her think that any of this wouldn't hurt me?

I know that there isn't even a reply that anyone can type that would make me comprehend, yet at the same time I think I understand what she did perfectly. I think she knows this guy isn't marriage material - and I don't think there were any major unworkable problems in our relationship, I think she just wanted OUT (of the area; of her life, etc). She's told me shes wanted to leave this area in the past. I think she saw this as an opportunity to get that and I was obviously expendable. I can't seem to stop going over it in a detached way.

I know it will be easier for her because she has the new boyfriend, new area, new lifestyle where I am here in the same place with the same problems staring straight at her house everyday from my window. Not that it matters but you all seem to have such good character insights of people... will I be missed at all before things ultimately don't work out? Am I thought of as like a sucker now or just with total indifference or what? If she did see me at the casino (eventually I will go again), will she feel sorry at all for all of this? miss me? just be unhappy that I am there? etc