NikkiB #18

[NikB]

yuck

Too much R talk tonight.

Too much OW/PW.

I'm just sick to my stomach.

I'm too drained to remember it all, but here are the things that stand out:

.. all started with the fact that some appraiser called the house. He said "Hey Nikki I'm calling about the appraisal." So he has my name but seriously, I have NO IDEA who this is. I have not called anyone to appraise the house. H heard the message, flipped out, called the guy and found out he was supposedly called to appraise the house. H thinks I am documenting a separation date or something. Of course told me nothing but he was an a$$ all night. I didn't know WHY until I heard this message later. I told him over and over I did NOT call the appraiser (and I didn't, I have no idea how this guy got my info!!)... he said he believes me but who knows. At one point I said "I guess you're so accustomed to lying to me now you think I'm good at it too? I'm not that good babe. I'm telling you the truth." Snotty? Yeah.. I apologized for it, but admit it was snotty and not really ok.

Various lines throughout the night:

Me (joking, thought he was texting a friend): oooh are you TEXTing? Didn't know ya knew how to do that.
H: (acting way guilty): umm yeah.
Me: Hey wait.. who is that?
H: [fake name, then].. you make me lie about it because you don't want to know.
[admits to texting her]

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

So yeah, basically he figured out texting so he can contact her more quietly.

Ass.

I laid on the couch for awhile. Later we talked some. Again just snippets....

H: I care about you so much, I can't believe I'm hurting you like this. You know I don't mean to, right?

Me: Right. It's all your choice. Anyway, is her friendship more important than our M, than I am, to you? Because I hope you know, it's coming down to that.
H: I know, I've thought about that.

I asked if he had ANY male coworkers or friends he spent this much time with? He said guiltily, no.

He got into maybe he should just shoot himself... I said I'd call 911 if he was serious and he said no, he wasn't. He said he wished she'd been a friend before he and I met, so I'd accept it.. barf. I said "I'd be surprised if any new 'girlfriend' accepts it either, just so you know. None of your friends think it's ok." H agreed, "I know, that's why I keep rethinking it, because they all think it's so wrong."

uuuuuuuugh

I forget why or how but we got into what we love about each other and why, I gave a long list for H (a very sincere, detailed list) and he looked really touched. Then said "You shouldn't love me, I don't deserve it."

He started to tell me my list and said a few sweet things but then held me tight and said "I just can't, it's just YOU, I can't put it into words. It's just YOU. I care about you, everything about you. You're so good."

I asked him to tell me now if he's leaving or kicking me out so I can find a place - he said no, he is "really trying" and wants it to work. I told him about some of the struggles and success stories I've seen here, he said "I want that." But looked tired.

Oh.. and asked halfway through if it was ok to text her, he was afraid she misunderstood an earlier text.

Did I mention... ass????

He kept telling me he doesn't deserve me, doesn't deserve love.. and what sucks is I know it isn't true. All the good things I said about him he even AGREED with. He said they are true but he doesn't deserve for me to see it.

Yuck.

It comes down to this... I know I gotta go and I don't want to. I just don't.