I am still reading DR, so I am not sure on all the techniques yet. We had a car in my name that he drives. He has gotten a loan in his own name now. We split up the cell phones into two separate accounts. The only thing left that we have together is the house and the bills that go along with it. Everything else we have are individual accounts we each brought into the marriage.
He officially moved out yesterday. He moved into a house with a guy he works with, although I have no idea where it is. I guess it doesn't matter because I am not going to be going over there. Now he wants to put the house up for sale. I am not ready to sell it, however I can't pay for it by myself. I can make the payment, but I am not sure I would be able to pay insurance and taxes when due.
One of the problems I am having with this is that I am thousands of miles away from home. The few friends that I did have here have all moved away in the last two months. Once the house sells, I would have nowhere to go. I couldn't just move home because I need a job and I have a pretty good one here. Also I wouldn't want to be that far away from him. I guess I could move into an apartment, but I would need help moving all the stuff and he said he would help.
Should I go along with this? What would be the DR way? I am having trouble going along with this because I feel like this is the only connection left. We don't have kids, so there is nothing tieing us together.
I feel for you... I have no kids, 26 years of marriage and mine is in a apartment, took a huge amount out of 401k and is looking at filing... He wants me to keep the house, a lot of overwhelming work and taxes etc like you.
Mine did not want me to know where he lived either, afraid of some drama by me. That is my guess for you too.
What I am going say this is a long process. Do you have a therapist? This has helped me so much in the last 4 years. I read a little of your situation and I really feel there is hope. I would try and talk or email him that you think selling the house is a big step and you would like to step back and both of you take some time to see if this is what you really want. Besides the market is not the greatest right now and you may not get what you need from the house. Tell him that. Don't pressure him, try and it is so hard, to act calmly. Act in control. Come up with some numbers for the taxes and insurance and try to see if he can help pay that. It is his house too. Don't panic. Staying in the house is your best bet right now.
All of the DB here tells us to leave them alone when they do this. I have broken the all the rules at one time or another. It so hard to be patient. They see us as dictators trying to run the show. My one friend put it this way, you want him to miss you not want to kill you! My therapist wants me to let him sit so he can miss me and the life we have. When they move out they can see nothing but bad. The left behind like us see only good memories. I know how you feel about the only connection you have left. In the past ( this is the3rd time he moved out) he would come and cut the grass etc. and we could reconnect. I don't know if you have grass in Texas but see if he will come over to that kind of thing to help out. I may have made a mistake in being too independent this round, I have no reasons to have him out here as he will not help out as it is not goign to be his house.
Yeah, he said he didn't want me to know because he doesn't want me "spying" on him. I told him that at this point we would lose money on the house. We have only been in it a little over a year. I couldn't even afford the closing costs right now, much less realtor fees. When I told him that, he told me he would take out a loan from air force aid to cover all extra costs himself and I wouldn't have to worry about it at all. He just wants it over.
I was here for 7 months without him when he was in Iraq and so he knows I can physically do everything that needs to be done (mow the lawn, work on the house, etc.). I don't NEED him, I just WANT him. I wonder sometimes if I am too independent for him. He has never really had to take care of me. I would never have bought this house on my own, he pushed for it, and now I am stuck with it. Selling would make it feel like the end for us, but I don't want to be stuck wondering how I am going to pay my bills.
I do have a therapist and she is really great. He has said that he will continue to go to the counseling with me. She usually has a weekly appointment with him and then one with the both of us. She says he is depressed and looking for a purpose in life.
All of our money is still together, so he is helping out. I do have my own savings account. Everyone keeps warning me about him taking all our money, but I really don't think he would do that.
Ok, we have a joint savings account. When we look up the account online it also shows that savings account as an external account. Well, when all this started I decided to delete that off of there so he couldn't see the balance. He has a problem...he sees money, he spends it. I really didn't think he would notice since he pays no attention to the money. Well, he just called. He was pissed because it wasn't showing on there. He asked me if I had pocketed the money. I told him that it was still there, but I needed to make sure that I was going to be able to take care of myself. Keep in mind that if it wasn't for me, there wouldn't be a penny in that account because he would have spent it all. Now I feel a little guilty, and also worried that he will go and get the money out. Should I get it out? I am not sure how I should have handled that.
Hi, hon me again. I had a long afternoon...got new homeowners insurance and cut that bill dowm.
So similar, I took 2000 in savings bonds we had in a joint safe deposit box, when H moves out and he was furious. We were going to joint counseling at the time and he ranted in there that he couldn't trust me. He is very responsible. All about respect and responsiblity of which he thinks I have neither. I pointed out that he had access to his ( joint property state) 401ks that had 350,000 in and I had to trust him with that. I told him the bonds were safe with me. If he wanted to cash them I would meet him and split it with him. I told him I couldn't sign them unless I had his death certificate, I said right in counseling, don't tempt me... He was also furious that I took 1500 out of our checking account that was to pay for a new plasma tv he bought 3 weeks before he moved out.... who buys a new guy dream tv and then moves out. I almost passed out when I called our cc company and found out he bought the exact same tv for now 1900 and charged it! I said you could have taken this one and got me a cheaper one at Sams. I don't care about the tv! I am telling you this as he is so conservative and good with money and then he does this stuff. They are not thinking rationally and do implusive things as we are not there to strike reason with them. Which is one of the things he admires and hates about me, I am so smart. I also had some cash he does not know about. Good thing. He was so angry he paid the mortgage and some things the first month but basically gave me about 200 to eat and told me I didn't need sattelite or dsl and to GET A JOB! The lesson is I never thought he would do that to me and I was near panic. I threatened to call employee assistance, he is a corporate manager and he would have died.
My gut instinct is for you to take the money and do what I did, say it safe with you. My H has never done this before as when he moved other times he lived on very little and I had the money. He finally gave me half his check. Said the tv was coming out of his half. He tried to get me to do a home equity loan to pay for divorce attorneys, NO and then trys to leverage me into a 401k loan where he gives me less than 25% of it to pay for attorneys, NO. He finally and I find this still shocking, take the money out and is going to pay the 401k penalty to the IRS. He took 13,000 out and the 10,000 to pay the penalty. I swear they go nuts. Learn from my lesson. I should have listened more to my therapist who wanted me to save more over the last years, not easy though. You can never have enough money! You can always use it together if you get to that point.
He is not good with money. Take it out. He will be angry but trust me they find something to be angry about anyhow and you could buy some peace of mind with the money. I am sorry this is so long, hard to gal when you go from somewhere of a great joint income to nothing in a month! I have been on here for years,just this round post and read. Stay in touch with me ok?
Klm, I was going to add he wants me to keep this house and I am not sure why though it is overwhelming in work. A woods and dead trees, lots of work he never did to it in 14 years. We only have 5 years left on the mortgage and owe very little so everyone tells me to keep it if he is that guilty he wants to give it to me, or buy me out for very little.
I said I might want to sell it and split the money and he said I am not doing one thing to fix it up. He took a few things and has left me with a lifetime of things to get rid of. He claims I can sell it and cash out. Like yours they forget about listing fees, and all the work involved. I could not afford a mover either and have no one to help. I brought up selling as a stall technique as the market is not moving well and he knows it. H is all about getting this moving. There is no one else and I think he is turning into a mushroom in his apt. My therapist wants me to do pro se and have us jointly file as in Wi there is a120 day cooling off period and H can just sit alone and then perhaps he will miss me. He is angry and still has my face on that anger. My therapist is solution based and I have been with him for 4 years, he thinks H will be back. He was right the other 2 times and I trust him completely. Scared, but nothing is worse than the anger directed at me. T claims that once we get this martial settlement stuff done H will have nothing to argue with me and will start missing me. I am independent but not financially. That bugs him to death. Mad now after I didn't work all these years.
In your case maybe a 180 is the key. If you took such good care of everything while he was gone perhaps you need to show him you do need him. Just a thought. Do the unexpected. I hang on to believe little of what they say mantra. And one from my therapist. Now is not forever. I tell that now is feeling like a really long time! Hope this helps. I should go to the club and work out, but friday night really is lonely there too. I will not give that up, my social and mental sanity.
Yeah, my H also told me that I didn't need cable or internet. I told him tough, if he has I will have it. We make about the same amount of money and we have had no money problems before this. He tends to spend a lot, but not to the point that I have had to worry about paying bills. And I have always been able to put money in savings. What bugs me about the money is that a couple of months ago he was going to have some dental work done and so we wrote a check for about $5,000. Not to mention when he came back from Iraq he went on a spending spree blowing a couple thousand dollars. I was ok with that at the time because he had been deprived for 7 months. I felt like he deserved it. But now for him to act like I am not entitled to the money that is left blows my mind. It wouldn't even be there if it wasn't for me.
When I came home Thursday the house looked bare. He had moved so much stuff. He had taken everything he felt was his, even the computer that we bought together. Well, I had a computer that I used in college and got that hooked up. That was an ordeal, I was on the phone with the internet company for hours. Then I moved a TV from the bedroom to the living room. Not quite as extravagant as we had, but no big deal, I don't need much.
Yesterday I came home and the house was hot. I went to turn the A/C down and realized why it was so hot. It was broken. The day after he leaved the damn A/C breaks. We are in Texas so it is HOT! I was in a panic, and I actually called him. He told me there was nothing he could do about it. I told him this was OUR house, OUR problem. Again, he said nothing he could do about it. I told him I guess I could call somebody (by this time after hours so I was thinking $$$$$), but I would like it if he would come over as I have no one here and I just felt like I needed him. He came, looked at it and didn't say much. I ended up getting someone to come last night. I actually know a lot of contractors through my job, so I called one of them. I told H he could leave and I would take care of it. ...he was just standing around anyway so after he got here I really couldn't understand why I had wanted him here so badly. The contractor came, fixed it in 20 minutes (just some part had gone bad not the whole unit) and he didn't charge me anything! I was so relieved! That was the biggest relief I have had in a while. By the way, H hasn't called to see if I was dying of heat stroke.
I would do everything to save the house. If need be, then get a housemate to share the expenses. He is being hasty. I felt the same way when I first kicked out my H. Boy, am I glad I still have my home now! It has really helped me to stay more stable. I mean this whole process is an upheaval already. Yes, it is difficult to make payments alone but I have figured on taking a student boarder who is willin to pay a lot if I drive her to school. It may cut down on my privacy but at least I can redecorate and pay the bills. And hopefully, if I want, my H might come home someday. I am not holding my breath. And he is making me sick, but we'll be patient and see. The real estate market here is very bad for sellers.
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
Well, the reason I am kind of on the fence about it is because I don't really WANT the house. I only want it if he is going to be here. If we don't work this out then I would want to move back to my hometown. I know I could get a job there, and I know I could make quite a bit more money there. I don't want to be stuck here because of the house. Right now I am here only because of him, if I am not with him, I don't want to be here. See, when we got married I left everything. My job, my friends, my family and moved halfway across the country to be with him.
We are from the same place, we were together before he joined the AF. We had talked about selling the house and moving back when he gets out because if he is out then there is no reason for us to be here. Like I said, I can make more money back home. I think I have almost talked myself into going along with the sell and moving to an apartment if it does. Then if things do work out...then when he gets out of the AF we would be free to move with nothing holding us here. I don't know, I feel so wishy washy.
Hi, Me again. I am so glad that you got the AC fixed! This is the kind of thing that happens when you don't need it. It is in the high 80's here and humid. Great time to cut that grass in the sweltering heat here also. I hate cutting the grass, I regret not letting him do it. It was a 180 and I do not need any more think time while riding arround or using a gas push mower.
klm, maybe step back and do nothing for awhile. He has just moved out and time and patience are on your side. Rotten of him to take the computer. Try it for a month. Now is not the time to sell the house, change jobs, move etc. They all are right up there on that life stress scale. I think you need to give him some space and keep going to counseling. I think he will come back. You have the added military split while he was gone. This is roller coaster, complete with the pit in the stomach feeling. It is so hard. I think it was right to call him. I do that too about the house. Try not to show anger near him. It only justifys why they left in their screwed up brains. I say this because I have got mad when he has been here at house and it only prolongs things. Miss us, not hate us. Baby steps.
The roommate thing could be an option for me as we have a lot of colleges here and this is a high real estate and rental market as we are outside a large city. The only thing is that in these email settlement offers H keeps sending he puts in these too funny live in partner clauses. I did the research and Wi does not have that in divorces. He knows that if he is paying maintenance he does not want some guy living here with me on his money.... I said told him the words you are looking for is cohabitation as I may want to take in a female boarder. His answer was, why should you get more income if I am paying. He is angry because I told him in and out of counseling I have had enough and that I want this either end it or fix it, I am young enough at this point I could rebuild my life with someone else and still have a good 20 -25 years of happiness with someone else.. If you remarry you lose alimony.
I got a voice mail from H yesterday that said forget about freezing alimony at time of divorce, he will give me half of his increases. He wants me to keep this house, maybe so he can come back is my hope. I logged on here and checked our insurance. He filled a prescription for a new anti anxiety drug (probably to help sleep) and I see he went back to his therapist after about a month when we last saw him together. He also must have seen the shrink to get the med and he is still taking his lexapro. Thank goodness for the online insurance stuff, filled them yesterday and they showed up on online, This is good. He might be figuring out that I am not the complete cause of his unhappiness. I am on the advice of therapist to agree to prelim settlement stuff so he has nothing to argue with me and can sit in is dumpy apartment and maybe miss me and our life. Find out is anger is not all about me. That's my stuff. Hang in there. I am open to thoughts for me too from anyone on here.
