Nomopo Trying to Exercise Patience/Manage Emotions

[Nomopo]

Hey Donna! Thanks for checking in. Hope you're well. On my last thread you asked about the gift. I did give it to her. Went pretty weel, but she got it at the end of Sunday which was the day I spent in a funk, so it could have been better. Check out my journal for more on that.

N_A and Sandi2, thanks also for checking out my last thread. Sandi, I will probably read those books in time, but they are lower down on my priority list, and I do not see W reading them any time soon. I think she still denies in her head that it really is an affair anyway.

Sven, thanks so much for your time and thoughts. It is GREATLY appreciated.

Actually, it's funny a lot of your posts remind me of mine - journals of things I was seeing going on, places I could refer back to, etc.

Someone else said that too (I'm thinking Slowly), which is why I sought you out.

First, off, I do see a lot of good going on in your sitch - its far from over I suspect (the rollercoaster)

Thanks for the positive feedback. The far from over part stinks but I think that is likely the case too.

I like how your JC is trying to steer her through that - understanding that for your MIL to change, she needs to want to change - and that people CAN change.

Yeah, if this takes it will be huge.

I dealt so much with that with my W - the result was her wall and her distrust of me - remember, they opened themselves up to us probably more than anyone else and so the hurt there takes a long time to get past.

Patience is hardest for me, and also probably the biggest key right now.

I too had (still do) a W that "doesn't forgive" - self-admittedly. But it is her that has needed to figure that out for herself - that hanging on to old hates and anger gets you nothing. It took a long time for her to get past that with me

How long would you say?

The good news, we talk about it now. I'm clear that I'll have a couple rough weeks, but bear with it and at the end, I'll take her out to dinner or plan some special evening for us both to enjoy.

That's great!

Okay, regarding the OM - don't waste time thinking or obsessing there.

Easier said than done, but I am working on it. I know you (and all the others who have told me this) are right.

The trust issues are there completely agree, but [. . .] you won't be able to address the trust issues until she has completely re-committed to the M.

Yep, and I don't try to bring them up at all, just wonder about it at times cause my trust is so low now. I have to believe, though, that if we get to that point that I will be able to trust her again.

A golden rule that I learned as I navigated my mess was that if I suspected I was going to hear something I didn't want to hear, why ask - I already knew the answer.

This is excellent! This I want to try to use. It's going in my plan.

WAS mentions that she has met an old HS acquaintance and she "needs" to see if there is anything there. For the first time through all of this, I stand up for myself and tell her that "Okay, but she needs to put the final bullet in this M and kill it".

Did you give her an ultimatum - in short, if you want to explore old HS flame fine, but end this M first? Or something a little different? How did she respond/react? I'm curious about the specifics around this if you can. I don't know exaclt what is happening with W and OM now, but I suspect she is not over him yet and he is clouding her thought process for now.

The holidays pass and I start to really GAL. I've made a bunch of new friends and am getting out regularly. I started really taking care of myself (working out, eating right) and most importantly, I've started to really be a father to my children - focusing a LOT of energy their way and it is making for a much happier and confident *ME*. Every MC session I go to I look my best - I'm confident and happy. I A/V all my W's "hardships" and feelings and I start making myself less "available" to her. You see, she and I really are best friends - and as I started making it clear to her that I couldn't make time for her that way, it really started to rock her a little bit. Okay, it rocked her a whole lot.

This is great info!!! A few specific questions/comments: (1) How did you make new friends? Most of my current friends now are married. Just curious for ideas? Did you join any groups? (2) Great feedback on looking your best and being confident and happy when you see her. I think I need to pick up the GALing a notch. (3) The less availability is probably a key for me. It is hard to do, and doesn't come naturally, but I think I have to do it. My friends Sunny and Still suggested as much to me during our talks this week in Sunny's San Diego!

In the meantime, the OM started showing his real colors - a consummate man's man and real jerk. All things in life on his terms, and only those terms.

Not sure OM has any qualities that will show up this obviously or quickly, but we all have issues. I know some times he got on her nerves already, so here's hoping. One problem is if she is telling me the truth and they aren't seeing each other, she may not get to see his flaws (and the fantasy may continue). Oh well, can't control it, can't worry about it.

By April, 2006 she told me it was over with OM and that she wanted to give us another try.

So sounds like it took about eight months, right? I need to let that sink in for the patience.

What were the elements that made this a success? That's a tough one, but let me take a crack: 1) started with complete forgiveness of myself. I made a wrong - I recognized it and I sought to make it right, for ME. 2) A commitment to become a better man - be it a husband, father, or friend, sibling whatever. But I did so after a lot of soul searching of who I wanted to be - it has to be true or it just won't stick. 3) I learned how to listen - empathically. 4) I tested the bounds of patience - saving an M takes a TON of it - remember that statistics show that affairs fail at a much higher rate than they succeed so you have to be patient - the WAS is looking for an escape and it is just a matter of time before they come to realize what they "really have". And even then, the emotional "loss" and/or shame of the event takes time to understand and grieve past. Of special note, my W to this day has not apologized" for anything and I'm okay with that - I made my bed, I laid in it - then stripped it clean and fixed it - I did the work - I'm taking the credit! And finally 5) there is the element of "luck". I got lucky. I was lucky that the OM was an arsehole. I was lucky that I even got a shot. But what that meant for me was that I was able to take back control of my life and make it better today than it was a couple years ago.

Sven, this is pure gold! I feel like I am off to a strong start on 1 -3. No. 4 will be my real test!! But your post will help with that. And 5 is out of my control, but here's hoping for some luck.

In the end, it was all about making myself happy, first - a tenet of GAL and DB'g. I posted about this on another thread here: tyler's post . By that I mean by becoming the person I wanted to be, it naturally caused my W to swing back to me as the better choice. And I broke the cycle of feeling like I "needed" her. I didn't. That can really seem like a leap off the precipice. I wanted her, sure, but I didn't need her - and I didn't want her needing me (although ultimately that is what brought her back...).

Also good stuff, and I fell like I am getitng there. Slowly.

That is what we work on today - wanting the same things and working together to get there.

I can't tell you how awesome that sounds!

But it starts with what YOU want and with a little luck, and perhaps some of the 4 other things I mention above, you'll get there. And from what I have read, you have those elements.

Thanks for the vote of confidence.

I hope, that this helps in some way - sorry if I was all over the place, I was writing it for me as much as for anyone...

It helps a ton! Thanks again for your time and giving of yourself. Talk to you later, I hope.

Nomo