H coming today, what do I do when he asks how I am

[25yearsmlc]

Morgan,

I'm not positive of anything. Except that what you've said has not worked. And for the life of me, isn't it ironic that it's YOU who has to decide how the M is going? I mean, isn't HE the one screwing up the vows? Seems he wants you to do the dirty work, he'll push you until YOU file for a divorce...don't let him goad you into it.

In the meantime, are the bills getting paid? Is that better than being divorced and having fewer bills paid? My sister in law was the first person to ask me, "J, if your h is paying the bills and you have the kids all you want, and the house, what's the rush about filing for a divorce?" She had a point and it made "waiting things out" a lot easier. Meantime, I made some choices. I knew I wanted d18 to finish high school so I had a type of time line in mind. After that, I"d see what the scoop was. I enrolled in a class I had wanted to take and I noticed that H noticed it and he'd ask me how it was going. I signed up for a DANCE class and he only asked me ONCE about that....hmm. I also began looking for teaching jobs overseas, other states and around here, but nothing up where he was. I very indirectly let him see that...boy, I KNOW that motivated him to start thinking about abandoning his Heavenly job up there if it meant we'd be somewhere else, not waiting for him...but when I seemed happy like an old friend was calling when he'd call, I'd give him an update on the kids, if he asked me about MY life, I'd say something positive about MY future, nothing too detailed or obvious and a little mysterious, and then I'd get OFF the phone as soon as it wasn't rude, (you know, I'm busy and all) put the kids on....but in our sitch, as long as the bills were getting paid, or I knew my new income would cover what we lacked if it wasn't enough, I felt safe enough to wait. I DID file for a separation way back when, in order to protect marital assets--can't sell them off without consent. It did not help our M as far as I can tell. But I felt less vulnerable. I didn't know if he'd go bonkers and sell off the house for a partnership in Alaska, etc. I was okay waiting things out with us, to an extent, but I refused to risk the kids rights just to keep peace. You know, enough is enough. H got mad, but wth? I still feel I'd have been a doormat to have done nothing but we are in California and

I never said "I want the M to work!" after the first 6 months. Just acted like a happy woman when I would see him here and did my DB coach's advice "making the home a warm place" to contrast with the coldness of his single life. Kind of like letting the warm weather, the warmth in the home, be so fun and loving that only an idiot wouldn't miss the laughs and the tender moments. Also She said that if he brought up living up there I could change topics "sounds like you've found all that you wanted" there, and he never once said, "Yep, I'm fine".

He always said "NO, I want you guys here..." blah blah blah....or he'd stutter. I would turn it around and around on him in a pleasant way if I could. I'd veer off R talk or talk of the future as it related to him and "us". I took trips with the kids, had guests at the house and basically made h "jealous" of what he was missing. Didn't always work but if you can pull off whatever your goal is 4 out of 5 times, you should get an A+ for that. DId I envy what he was doing? Rarely, like when I was over loaded with responsibility or he'd forget a bill and I'd be so pissed that he couldn't do ONE thing other than his "JOB"... but when my "program" worked, I'd be calm at almost all costs. If he got mad or defensive AND became rude to me, I'd get off the phone with a healthy assertion like "I don't deserve to be talked to like that" or "Call me when you are calmed down" and I'd get the heck off the phone. THis did not always work but eventually did. I also would stop him when he'd revise things a bit too much. It IS important to own whatever role WE have had in the M's problems. IF I HAD screwed up something I'd say stuff like "I'd do things differently if I had them to do over" or "Yes, I made some mistakes but I learn from them" and if I have addressed a problem, then it isn't a problem any more and I'm not gonna keep rehashing it. If I have fixed the car, I don't want to keep talking about the bad brakes we HAD, because they're fixed now, kwim? So I wouldn't let him go there for long. But I DID make sure he'd see an example of the "new" me at least once. Didn't want him to worry justifiably, that I'd revert to my own negatives. Nor did I want to.


Even if there had been an OW< my h would have missed the kids. Plus, you need to do some positive realistic assessing of yourself as a partner. he didn't marry you and have 3 kids with you and buy a house with you b/c you are a bitch. I know I'm smarter than most women but h could always find another MD with more work stuff in common. BUt I make him laugh, expose him to other things in life and am the mother of his children and his friend of 26+ years. I can tell by how you write that you are articulate and intelligent. You are also loving, and I have picked up on some wit too. You have history with him too. Go on, write a few true affirmations down and don't forget to add that you have character. I know, like you, that we would never do this to our H's and kids. Even with my crazy period it was my guilt and the thought of making my kids cry, that kept me from going over the edge.

You have similar advantages. But instead of going there, you are instead fantasizing that the OW and he are going to Paris, and having great constant uninterrupted sex that is totally fulfilling to both and that NOTHING about the newness and unfamiliarity is bad (trust me, there is a Lot to be said for knowing your lover) and that they are laughing and loving in perfection.....Ummm, that ain't true, but more importantly you have no control over it. Put a stop sign in your face and stop going there. You are not realistic about it, and you are eating yourself up with it. It's gross, and you are making it worse. Make plans for what YOU will be doing and do your best to focus ONLY on that if you can. REcall what I said about my insane R with OM, okay? Re-read my craziness. I'm thankful I'm not in your h's position b/c believe it or not, it's worse than your position in the long run.
The only good thing about it was that I lost some of my black and white way of looking at moral issues and judgementalism. That "almost A" said more about what I was lacking in my life than my h or M. Yes our M needed much more attention from him but I needed more passion in MY life. So, I took up theatre and guess what? It helped ME and helped US...

Not telling him you are wanting the M to work is not giving up. Can't you say something IF HE ABSOLUTELY PUSHES YOU into an anwer (and what is up with that? He mistreats you only to ask if he has finally done enough for YOU to do his work and end the M?) that you wish your M could be saved, or that the man you thought he was would snap out of this....and leave it at that. He'll know that if he does, there might be a chance. But IS there really a chance you'll take him back if he keeps doing this? That's a question to know the answer to. It just seems a bit transparent for him to keep asking you to shoulder the responsiblity. It's like a little kid who keeps breaking the rules only to ask if you still love him NOW??

I am not saying to make an ultimatum unless you can promise 2 things: First, that you mean it and will do what take if it doesn't go your way and 2nd - to know that chances are it will not go your way with an ultimatum. I think his fear of losing you may motivate him down the road, but that fear won't come from his constant asking you what the temperature of the R is....it'll be by him seeing you GAL and acting as if you have Not actually been thinking of the R much lately...as if you are fine without him in the house, I mean, you are getting used to it and the good sides of it and even though he's a good guy who makes you laugh, which maybe you miss but since you have Other friends who alsomake you laugh, wth? So, you're fine with or without him b/c of Who you are and what you offer that he knows is true, when he lets himself look there. Having self respect does not mean you "punish" him by filing, but it may mean you eventually file. It just won't be to "punish" him.
Do what is best for YOU and the kids and resign yourself to the possibility that it is over and that you will still be fine. PLEASE don't think you'll be letting him off the hook, by not falling apart. Isnt' the idea of him being sort of comfortable around you, and the kids, sensible? THe more he feels "safe" around his own family and you, the more he'll see you as a safe zone. Even if he ends up divorcing. DO you honestly feel he'll never fight with OW and that she has no fault? Were you two ever happy? If so, let that resurface but don't keep letting him know you'll still be there no matter what...has it helped yet? Remember to monitor what does work and what does not work and change your behavior accordingly. Funny how siple that sounds but damn if I didn't repeat negative behaviors a 1000 times and STILL have to catch myself not looking critically at him...and I'm a smartie pants with a law degree!! But I'm an idiot too, so I'm working on it.

j-