Well, we are back from vacation, and it was really great. My H seemed happy the whole trip, and even would show me affection in public, which he doesn't often do anymore. He put his arm around me when we were walking, and that is so rare. He commented that it was a nice vacation, and the first time we went on a summer trip with no arguing.
Yesterday, though, when he was getting ready for work, I snooped in his wallet and found a receipt for some gift items, and I have no idea who he got them for. Now it was on the twenty-third, that he and ow had some sort of, I don't want to call it an anniversary, but they apparently considered it important to them, and we were out of town, so he was unable to contact her, unless he still has the secret cell phone, or when the cell record comes in for next month, I will see if he called her on the cell I got for him, the one he used to use to call her. So, of course, I can't ask him about the items, because then he would know I snooped, yet I wondered when we got back from vacation, why he seemed so antsy, and kept thinking it was the 23rd, when it was the 25th, but he said it ws because he had a court date that he missed, because we were out of town, and he did show me the subpoena for it.
So, I am now thinking he is still contacting ow, and is using his lying skills on me again, or still. I don't know now if he ever stopped lying to me, and now I think ow is not back with her ex-husband, and they are still carrying on. Sometime in the future, I may have to use a P.I. to find out what exactly is going on.
H said yesterday when we got into a R talk, that he used to wonder if I had mental health issues. He sometimes does that to tick me off, because if anyone is nuts, he is. I was depressed after we lost a baby, and of course this last year and the couple of years leading up to it, because I knew something was different with him, I was also feeling depressed, so if that makes me nuts, well, then...
He told me while on vacation that he wishes we had another child, and I wanted to scream at him, that HE was the one who stopped doing what it takes to make one. I wanted another one, but he had told me that five years ago, he had decided he wasn't going to let me get pregnant, and he didn't tell me that. Last year before I found out about ow, I thought I was pregnant, and he went nuts, and said he didn't want that, and said it would mean I had trapped him.
He also during our R talk, rehashed all the wrongs I had done over the years, including things I may have done only once, yet everything sticks in his mind. I told him that I felt he had done some things over the years to hurt me, but I didn't keep a record of wrongs against him, so would be hard pressed to come up with a list. Sure there are some things that I remember, but I try not to dwell on them the way he does. So, I don't know if I will ever trust him again, and I don't know if he will ever find happiness with me.
