Newcomer in Pain

[NikB]

Larry,

You're definitely NOT alone. Glad you came here for support.

Hey, I'm in California too. I'm near Sacramento - are you anywhere near me? There are quite a few of us in California although I haven't run across anyone in my area yet (well, except one guy's WAW who lives out here, but I haven't met her for obvious reasons ).

One thing about that CA law - it's not actually 6 months from the date that the D is filed, it's from the date of separation. This is easy if you agree on the separation date, but it's not always cut and dried. Do you consider yourselves separated since you're still living basically at the same house? It's a fuzzy line. I've also seen WAS try to get the LBS to lie about the separation date to push things through faster. I'd be prepared in case she brings this up. Don't freak out or even try to change her mind, just tell her calmly that you do not feel ok about fudging on the date. (and don't bring it up at all unless she does, just wanted you to be aware of it).

I wouldn't do much else to try and slow things down, it'll just come across as pushing and manipulating. Since the state automatically "gives" you a 6 month slow down I'd just leave it at that.

That's really nasty of your W to leave that receipt out where you'd see it. Sorry, that just makes me really mad!! Nothing you can do about it and not that productive to dwell on it but geez.

Now getting back to the DB/DR concepts.. sounds like you're off to a pretty good start. SO glad you are getting treated for the depression, that alone will make a world of difference.

The other key things will be:
- GAL. Do things you've always wanted to do/try, things you left behind awhile ago maybe. Hobbies, sports, whatever. The support group is a great start but also do things that you ENJOY, do them for fun, things that are totally not related to your M situation.

- Detach. Be a friend to your W, but at a distance. It protects you, and it gives her the space that she needs right now. This is incredibly hard and it will take a long time, way longer than you'd think. Here's a great site with more info on it: http://www.coping.org/control/detach.htm

At some point, you will begin to wonder if the M is right for YOU also. It'll come as a bit of a shock but it's a good thing - it means you're detached and thinking about what's best for you and your future.