I think I want to give up. HELP!!!

[NeedSomePatience]

I have had my sitch on another forum, but since I didn't know about OM when I first posted I am not getting any help, because I think it was in the wrong forum. My whole sitch (with more details) is in my signature but here is a brief synopsis:

May 2006 - wife began hiding cell phone and purse from me, i got suspicious and arguments began. She would always get very defensive when I would bring it up, I just wanted the truth into why she was becoming distant. constant arguing through summer (all summer she would "study" all night in the garage, calling a phone number I thought was her girlfriend's)

June 2006 - looked at her email, found a father's day ecard to one of her old professor friends (she continually said he is just a friend) that says "I love you so much...". She denies anything, that she just loves him as a friend (he is 27 yrs older than her)

Sept 2006 - Help her go on a trip to Miami by herself, so she can clear her mind, so when she got back we could sort through everything. When she got back, she became more distant. Hardly any sex (only once a month from Sept 06 to Jan 07, then NONE).

Oct 2006 - she begins to sleep on couch because of "back problems".

Nov 2006 - her professor friend comes over the house for thanksgiving

Jan 2007 - She tells me that we should "break up" because of all of the arguing, and I should give her space and time for us to fall in love again. I kept pursuing (did not know DB yet)

April 2007 - After many clues I kept finding, I decided to go to this professor friends house to see if she was there instead of school. I knocked on door, she was there, wearing his clothes. She tells me they are only friends but she has feelings for him but he doesn't know. She gets mad at me!

June 2007 - After my son's bday party (that prof friend came over to) I found another cell phone. She finally admits she has been having an A with professor since last summer. Became a PA in Miami (met him there, his hometown). She says she is on the fence about us. I had pushed her over the years by not giving her what she wanted and taking her for granted. He was there at the right time and gave her what she needed. She still loves me, but loves him. She continues to stay with him. But continues to stay close to me (sometimes really close, no sex though).

Now - She is continuing with OM, taking a class with him this summer and all her other classes are of his interests (he is cuban, all classes are about cuba). She still goes to his house. W and I are having a nice "friendship" through all of this though. We are getting along except for the M. She is now completely open with me about EVERYTHING (sometimes too much info about her R with OM). Everyday she continues this, it kills me. She makes me think that she might want to work it out, but then shows so much attention to OM (telling him ILY, talking on phone, with him until midnight). She is starting to get suspicious with him, but still in love with him.

I want to give up some days. If she wants him that means she doesn't want me. Why should I stick around. She has noticed the changes I have made. She sees that I now understand the mistakes I made and I will not revert back to that. She says we are best friends now. But sometimes I think that is all she wants and that is all we will ever be. I am going to continue to fix myself, but should I be aroud for her so she can have her cake and eat it too? I don't know. Some days are good, today (and the past couple of days) have been bad and I want to throw in the towel. I have read a couple of other sitches where it looked worse than mine, and they were successful, but I don't know how much more I can take of this.

[JAK58]

NSP,

If you have read the Divorce Remeady Book, Try going semi dark.
Do not answer her call for a while, Make her call a couple of times first. Do not be at home if you can if she comes over. And for Gods sake do not let her talk to you about her R with OM. If she starts to talk about the R with OM tell her you do not want to her about it.(in a constructive way).

JAk

[PMA_Baby!]

Hi NSP, Sounds like the relationship with the OM is starting to fall apart. Lets hope she's ready to come back home. That is if u are ready 4 her to.

Well, I dont know if you saw my post yesterday, but it's now official I found out that my wife is having an affair with another woman. I found out by looking on her phone. Like your WAW at first she denied it, but then came clean with the evidence in hand. I just told her that I'm sorry that I was such a bad husband that she had to do this. She said it's not u it's me and "Im screwed up". So I told her that I'm here for her. I'm not sure I have it in me to keep on fighting like you have, but you have inspired me to try for now. Now that the affair is out in the open it might lose its appeal. We'll see how it goes.

take care, BM07

[NeedSomePatience]

I don't know if her R with OM is falling apart. I am so confused. She has been saying how she is in a drought lately (sex), and found a receipt with feminine products on it, so I suspect she was going to end her drought with him last night. When she got home, she offered for me to sleep on her bed with her because I have a hurt shoulder (she usually would offer to switch bed and couch). She talked on the phone with OM for about an hour, then I went to lie down on her bed. I told her (and maybe I shouldn't have, but i needed to get it out) that I am happy for her that she is finding some kind of happiness even if it pains me to see it sometimes. She said she is not 100% happy. I told her it is some kind of happiness and I am glad one of us is having some happiness. I sort of mentioned that maybe I need to go out and find some kind of happiness, even if it doesn't fill the void completely like her. I told her I know exactly where we both can get 100% happiness, but she is not ready. She didn't say anything. I also mentioned that I know her drought ended tonight, she tried to avoid it but then admitted it. We went to sleep.

next week OM is going to leave for about 10 days. she told me this morning that we can do more things together soon. I told her "wow, I feel special. I finally get some time with you. but as soon as OM gets back, we will go back to the same." she said that she hangs out with me and we do things, I said yes but you spend 60 to 70 hours a week out of the house (and yes a lot of it is school related, but most of it is with him). I just said I am going to enjoy the time I will spend with her. I also said I am going to be happy again one day, and if people want to be a part of it that's great, if not it's their loss.

I still want to give up, but I will hang in there.

BM07, once the A is out in the open things will change. Once my W's A was out she started to see things in OM she didn't notice before. Things are not great, but at least things are out in the open and we can move forward from a place of honesty. Just DB like crazy and have patience (easier said than done). I hope you are right about R with OM breaking apart (because I don't see it like that, but sometimes someone on the outside sees things clearer than someone in the sitch)

take care

[NeedSomePatience]

I don't know if her R with OM is falling apart. I am so confused. She has been saying how she is in a drought lately (sex), and found a receipt with feminine products on it, so I suspect she was going to end her drought with him last night. When she got home, she offered for me to sleep on her bed with her because I have a hurt shoulder (she usually would offer to switch bed and couch). She talked on the phone with OM for about an hour, then I went to lie down on her bed. I told her (and maybe I shouldn't have, but i needed to get it out) that I am happy for her that she is finding some kind of happiness even if it pains me to see it sometimes. She said she is not 100% happy. I told her it is some kind of happiness and I am glad one of us is having some happiness. I sort of mentioned that maybe I need to go out and find some kind of happiness, even if it doesn't fill the void completely like her. I told her I know exactly where we both can get 100% happiness, but she is not ready. She didn't say anything. I also mentioned that I know her drought ended tonight, she tried to avoid it but then admitted it. We went to sleep.

next week OM is going to leave for about 10 days. she told me this morning that we can do more things together soon. I told her "wow, I feel special. I finally get some time with you. but as soon as OM gets back, we will go back to the same." she said that she hangs out with me and we do things, I said yes but you spend 60 to 70 hours a week out of the house (and yes a lot of it is school related, but most of it is with him). I just said I am going to enjoy the time I will spend with her. I also said I am going to be happy again one day, and if people want to be a part of it that's great, if not it's their loss.

I still want to give up, but I will hang in there.

BM07, once the A is out in the open things will change. Once my W's A was out she started to see things in OM she didn't notice before. Things are not great, but at least things are out in the open and we can move forward from a place of honesty. Just DB like crazy and have patience (easier said than done). I hope you are right about R with OM breaking apart (because I don't see it like that, but sometimes someone on the outside sees things clearer than someone in the sitch)

take care

[NeedSomePatience]

Okay, maybe someone can help me with this one. Most nights she comes home late, about 11pm to midnight (studying mostly, but sometimes at OM house). I usually wait up for her, but the last couple of weeks I have been asleep a few times when she got home. I don't know how she is taking this. Once she grabbed my butt to wake me up, another time she just went to her room. Most times she just comes to me to wake me up and to talk for a bit (the past three days though she wakes me up, just says hi and talks to OM on phone for an hour or so). My question is, should I wait up for her or just go to sleep? I don't want her to think I don't care anymore, but I also don't want her to think I am pusuing, waiting like a little puppy dog.

[AmyC]

Go to sleep.

And shut the bedroom door.

[Ohio_Mark]

Go to sleep. You need to give her space. Talk to her, but not about the marriage or the affair. Do not do anything that may be perceived as pursuing her. In other words, DO NOT to anything special for her (this includes staying up for her). Don't make her a late snack, or have a glass of wine ready, etc.

You need to work on YOURSELF. You have not mentioned any GAL activities. You need to work on doing things to improve/change yourself. What is it that you have always wanted to do? Take lessons (for ANYTHING: karate, golf, dance, hang gliding, etc), take up a new hobby... fer cryin out loud, get out and DO SOMETHING. This will do two things: First, take your mind off of the pain you feel. Second, it will make you more attractive to WAW.

Finally, I need to mention something. My wife has the sense to not talk to OM when I am home (he lives 300 miles away). On rare occasions, she will text him, telling him she is leaving and he is to call her in XX minutes (I am a recovering snooper). Yesterday was the first time I "walked in" on them. She did not expect me home, and I walked in a back room where she was talking very quietly on the phone. The only regret that I have is that I left the room. I should have just grabbed a chair and sat down. It's my damn house, and she was my wife first. I think it was cowardly of me to walk away. As it turns out, she was indeed on the phone with OM, because and she ended the call immediately. I said nothing of the incident (she probably expected that I would & I was glad to disappoint her). BTW, this is the ONLY thing my cheating WAW does that shows any kind of respect for me.

So I guess what I am trying to say is that I don't understand any LBS permitting the cheating WAS to nurture and participate in the affair on their "home turf," especially when LBS is home (I KNOW my wife has called him from our home when I am not there). Maybe I'm way off base here (and please tell me if I am), but at the very least, I would request that any conversations with OM/OW be conducted far away from me. Say: "Please do not talk to OM/OW any time when I am home. At the very least, it is tremendously disrespectful."

[Dr LOve]

I don't want her to think I don't care anymore, but I also don't want her to think I am pusuing, waiting like a little puppy dog.

NSP,
You are not alone with this one. There is a thin line. I to have to think hard on some of my actions so they are not taken the wrong way.

I have come a long way. I still have a long way to go. But I have seen changes since I have become my own person. I made the mistake of thinking of us as one when we got married. Now I see a marriage is really about two individuals living together for a common goal in a loving relation ship.

Husband

[NeedSomePatience]

Thanks Amy, Ohio and Husband for the responses.

I will take your advice and not wait up. Cannot close door because I sleep on the couch. Maybe I'll move into the garage or something. Yes Ohio, I need to GAL big time. Have been doing lots of things with kids, becoming a better father, but I do have to find things to do for myself. I am actually going skydiving next month (something I have always wanted to do but W always said it was too dangerous). She was sort of shocked to hear I am actually going to go through with it.

As for her talking to OM in front of me, she goes to the backyard now to talk on phone. I have let her know that it hurts for me to see her talking all "lovey dovey" to him on the phone, but there is nothing I can do about it, just don't do it in front of me. She says I am welcome to be there if she is on the phone because she doesn't talk all "lovey dovey", they mostly talk about school related stuff. I told her that it doesn't matter what they are talking about, I still do not want to be there when she is talking to her boyfriend (she hates when I refer to OM as boyfriend, but I have told her that is the reality)

Going to a party at my brother's tonight, gonna have some fun. She might show up later to the party (after studying with OM), but let's see how she feels when I don't make her the center of attention when she shows up. I am going to the party to have fun, not hang out with her (but I will be pleasant to her if she does come up to me).