OK.....well, I agree that you will never get all of that said without either forgetting about half of it because you will be under pressure and trying so hard.....or else you will hit a trigger button with her and she will interupt your speech. It is long.....(and that is the way I am too, so I understand it)and because of its length...it may sound like a speech to her.
I know the reasons you gave for not hand-writing it and telling her instead, but if it is very important to you that you touch on all of these things....I don't see what would be wrong with you hand-writing it and putting it in an envelope (don't let her open the envelope)and placing it her hand. Don't put it in the mail or fax or email....it makes it more personal to hand write it and then you place it inside her hand. But, if it is not in an envelope, it will be to easy for her to start reading at that percise time...which you don't want. Another reason I suggest a hand-written letter is that she can go back and read it over and over again. If you talk, instead, she will forget exactly what or how you said it and it will get mixed up in her mind later (perhaps, but why take a chance). Since I don't know her, I am not certain about that part, of course. You have to use your own judgment about all of this.
As you place it in her hand, she will ask what it is.....and you just tell her that is your attempt to apologize (I know that may be a tough one for you, but it may catch her off guard long enough to finsh your statement.) and that you would like for her to read it in private. (Don't say anymore! That will be hard for you to do, but don't get into any discussion at this point. If she starts asking questions about the contents of the letter, don't answwer, just look sweet and smile.) If she should say something that you just have to answer, try to tell her it is in the letter for her to read.
Look sincere, but smile sweetly......don't act "too" upbeat....but don't act like a whipped dog, either.
I guess what I am saying....and others may disagree, but I think if there is ever a time for you to kind of "wear you heart of your sleeve" it is now. IMHO, She needs to see that your heart still holds feelings for her (just a little hint of it anyway). I'm not suggesting that you break down and cry, beg, and all that crap....don't do that for goodness sake! Sweet and sincere......keep it short....and then....leave.
It's a tall order for us "talkers"....lol. And...this is just my thoughts about it.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I just need to talk some. I made it through another week without any contact with OM...as I said, I told him good-bye, but I still have my moments that it is hard to deal with that fact. One night I get through without fantasizing about him....then the next...not so good. Maybe the positive side of that is that at least I'm not doing it evey night and all day long like I was doing.
I now know that I was not truly in love with him. However, I miss him....but when I think about it carefully, it is not really "him" that I miss....it is the times that were shared. We had "playful" times together...and that may sound disgusting to you LBS and I don't mean that to sound offensive. We talked, laughed, teased, joked, etc. (Remember, it was because of my lack of these things in my life that drew me into this to begin with.) Of course, he was always very attentive and ready to listen to my problems. I now understand that he did that in order to get any "other" thrill that he received from me and was working up to a PA. The minute I told him I could not continue and would not have an affair while I was married....he was willing to cut the strings without even putting up a struggle.
If any other WAW have had an EA/PA, I sure would be interested in hearing from you about your experiences and how you are dealing with them.
As I have said in previous posts, I am taking baby-steps toward restoring my relationship with H. We are "nice" to each other and are getting along fine....no arguments, or anything like that. He does not offer to touch me in any way...which I am grateful. What bothers me though is the fact that I still have no "feelings" for him other than how I woud feel toward a brother. I keep thinking about what some of you have told me that to do the "actions" and then the "feelings" would follow. I believe that....it's just that some days I get a litte scared and wonder if I will ever feel what a wife should feel for her H. Maybe I won't have that feeling of "in-love" again, but I would be satisfied to just feel "loving" toward him. I would like to feel sexually attracted to him....and I don't. Right now, I feel like I could go the rest of my life and never have sex with him again. It has been that way for eleven years. That is a long, long time to not be intimate. I read a little bit of what Michelle has to offer about her "assignments" and just go ahead and do it. It was easier to do things like that when I was younger....and this may sound just like an "excuse" and perhaps it is, I'm not sure....it's just that I can't seem to force myself to do that now. The "wall" is too high and too thick. I honestly think I could have had sex with the OM and done things with him easier than I can this man I have been married to for 41 years and have not been intimate with for eleven years! Why? Because I had those sexual feelings and excitement toward the OM. I just don't have them, yet, for my H and it scares me.
I am rambling and emotional steam here. I don't have any intentions of returning to the OM. I just want to feel "normal" toward the man I am married to. Please don't get disgusted with me and stop giving me advice. Today is just one of those hard times for me. I'm not tempted to contact the OM...don't mean hard like that...just discouraged about my emotions for my H. I know it really hasn't been that long....since I broke the connection with the OM and decided to stay in my M, but it sure feels like it. I know, logically, that I can't expect my emotions to kick in when I have been out of tune with my H for so many months. But, I needed to vent, so thanks for listening.
I am open to anything you would like to "vent" back at me. We were goint to have "talks" every night for our therapy. Well, it lasted about three times and that was then end of it. I have to admit that I have really not had the desire to do it, which is strange because I was always the one that wanted to "talk"...not him. He has not mentioned it and neither have I. So, I don't know if he wants to or not. The last time we talked, he was very tired and almost feel asleep. I don't want to talk about the OM and I told him that I did not want to dread our "talks" thinking he may bring that subject up. He said he never had to bring it up again. Maybe it just needs time to heal. He has been so good about giving me "space". I have spent most of my evenings on the computer reading this board and it has helped me so much, but I know I need to start spending more time watching tv with him. The problem there is that I am so bored with tv and that is why I started playing the on-line games to begin with. TV has always been his evening entertainment and his way of relaxing. In fact, TV has just about been his center of everything around his homelife. The first many years, it was fine because I loved TV also, but now I am tired of it and none of the shows seem to interest me.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I don't know how to Journal....it went to the wrong person.
Morning to all,
I just need to talk some. I made it through another week without any contact with OM...as I said, I told him good-bye, but I still have my moments that it is hard to deal with that fact. One night I get through without fantasizing about him....then the next...not so good. Maybe the positive side of that is that at least I'm not doing it evey night and all day long like I was doing.
I now know that I was not truly in love with him. However, I miss him....but when I think about it carefully, it is not really "him" that I miss....it is the times that were shared. We had "playful" times together...and that may sound disgusting to you LBS and I don't mean that to sound offensive. We talked, laughed, teased, joked, etc. (Remember, it was because of my lack of these things in my life that drew me into this to begin with.) Of course, he was always very attentive and ready to listen to my problems. I now understand that he did that in order to get any "other" thrill that he received from me and was working up to a PA. The minute I told him I could not continue and would not have an affair while I was married....he was willing to cut the strings without even putting up a struggle.
If any other WAW have had an EA/PA, I sure would be interested in hearing from you about your experiences and how you are dealing with them.
As I have said in previous posts, I am taking baby-steps toward restoring my relationship with H. We are "nice" to each other and are getting along fine....no arguments, or anything like that. He does not offer to touch me in any way...which I am grateful. What bothers me though is the fact that I still have no "feelings" for him other than how I woud feel toward a brother. I keep thinking about what some of you have told me that to do the "actions" and then the "feelings" would follow. I believe that....it's just that some days I get a litte scared and wonder if I will ever feel what a wife should feel for her H. Maybe I won't have that feeling of "in-love" again, but I would be satisfied to just feel "loving" toward him. I would like to feel sexually attracted to him....and I don't. Right now, I feel like I could go the rest of my life and never have sex with him again. It has been that way for eleven years. That is a long, long time to not be intimate. I read a little bit of what Michelle has to offer about her "assignments" and just go ahead and do it. It was easier to do things like that when I was younger....and this may sound just like an "excuse" and perhaps it is, I'm not sure....it's just that I can't seem to force myself to do that now. The "wall" is too high and too thick. I honestly think I could have had sex with the OM and done things with him easier than I can this man I have been married to for 41 years and have not been intimate with for eleven years! Why? Because I had those sexual feelings and excitement toward the OM. I just don't have them, yet, for my H and it scares me.
I am rambling and emotional steam here. I don't have any intentions of returning to the OM. I just want to feel "normal" toward the man I am married to. Please don't get disgusted with me and stop giving me advice. Today is just one of those hard times for me. I'm not tempted to contact the OM...don't mean hard like that...just discouraged about my emotions for my H. I know it really hasn't been that long....since I broke the connection with the OM and decided to stay in my M, but it sure feels like it. I know, logically, that I can't expect my emotions to kick in when I have been out of tune with my H for so many months. But, I needed to vent, so thanks for listening.
I am open to anything you would like to "vent" back at me. We were goint to have "talks" every night for our therapy. Well, it lasted about three times and that was then end of it. I have to admit that I have really not had the desire to do it, which is strange because I was always the one that wanted to "talk"...not him. He has not mentioned it and neither have I. So, I don't know if he wants to or not. The last time we talked, he was very tired and almost feel asleep. I don't want to talk about the OM and I told him that I did not want to dread our "talks" thinking he may bring that subject up. He said he never had to bring it up again. Maybe it just needs time to heal. He has been so good about giving me "space". I have spent most of my evenings on the computer reading this board and it has helped me so much, but I know I need to start spending more time watching tv with him. The problem there is that I am so bored with tv and that is why I started playing the on-line games to begin with. TV has always been his evening entertainment and his way of relaxing. In fact, TV has just about been his center of everything around his homelife. The first many years, it was fine because I loved TV also, but now I am tired of it and none of the shows seem to interest me.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
It just shows posting to the last person...your on your post and doing just fin...
Your venting is good...you are expressing what it is that you need...eventually you NEED to talk to H about this...HE NEEDS to know what it is that you NEED to be happy and fulfilled in a R with him...but that is a long step away...
See if you can find something you both like on TV...and then ask him to join you in something you like...maybe once a month to start...there are lots of new shows on and my H and I find things to watch...his thing is baseball so I do join him on occasion watching a game...I see the happiness it gives him when he talks about what is happening and I ask questions about things...this is bonding...and we all need that...
See if you H will take a walk with you, play cards, or just anything that you might enjoy...
Sandi...you are doing great...it will take time to clear the toxin from OM out of your system...it will take time for you to feel like more then a sister to your H...don't try and rush it...just make sure you set goals (small ones) and keep moving forward...
11 years is a long time...but I know a couple (they were seperated but you basically were too) that after 15 years are reuniting...and another couple (older then you) that also reunited after over 12 years...you start new...you make it exciting...you express your needs just like H is now the OM!!!...because in reality he now is the "OM"...a R just doesn't happen...it is built..a little at a time...
It is good that you recognize that it wasn't love that you had for OM...and that he definitely didn't love you either...but the technique used to get you "wanting" him is much the same as what you and your H will NEED to do at some point...
Don't feel disgusted with yourself...you are working through these things...as a LBS I don't see you that way...I am very proud that you are making this effort (and before an A)...it makes me happy to know that you care enough about your family to work on things...and to cut off the OM totally...I understand how this takes time...and I know it isn't easy for you...but you are doing it...
I think you need to plan weekly discussions with H...they can be R based, interest based, recap of your/his week...but just make the time to connect with each other verbally each week...and then make it a goal to do something together each month...one for you and one for him...in time it will get easier...then you can add to what you have...set another goal...achieve another step forward...
Sandi...I AM PROUD OF YOU....keep talking here...and it will get easier to express those feelings that you have built up in that wall...brick by brick you can chisel it down!
Now a quick note...my dad was walking his little chihuahua yesterday when they were attacked by pit bulls (2)...fortunately my dad only got bit on his hands....but his little dog got away and kept running...we looked all day until dark to find him...worried sick that he was hurt...knowing he hadn't eaten...but we also knew he was a smart dog...had walked many times with my dad this path so he knew where he lived...he came home about 4 am!!!...he was okay and just wanted in his kennel and to sleep...the pit bulls and their owners took off and the animal control said they would be looking for them for the next 10 days...hopefully they will be found before they really hurt someone...
I know how much a family can love their pets....I have a little dog also, and she is like a member of the family. Hope nobody else gets hurt and glad your dad's little one is okay.
As far as my post today....I can't thank you enough for the way you encourage me. I need a lot of it because I know I am going through a fragile time. By that I mean that I think a lot of folks could give up easily during this period of the R because it is so difficult.
It was very, very encouraging to hear about the other couples you told me about. I have often wondered if I am the oldest person on this board. I don't remember seeing or reading where anyone else is as old as I am. I know when I was a young person, it kind of made me sick to think about people in the 60's having "sex"! lol......but it is still an important part of life and yes, we still do it! However, by this time of our lives we have grown children and most of us have grandchildren, but other issues come into the picture, like health problems, fixed incomes, etc. And.........believe it or not, we still have MR issues. Maybe not everyone's is sex or OP, but I remember my grandparents were married about 65 years and they still had to work on it! My grandmother, whose wisdom I missed very much, told me once that IF you want a good marriage, you never reach a point that you don't keep working at it. I may have already shared that with everyone, I can't remember because I have told several people. Sometimes I wonder if you don't have to work a little harder when you get older because of the different transitions that we go through, etc. I hope that is not discouraging to anyone, but you know we don't stay the same through-out life.
I have tried to tell young people that are getting married that person they are so madly in love with at 20 will not be that same person in ten years and they better learn to love the constant changes being made or they are in trouble. I can say that from experience! I was 18 and my H was 22 when we married. I actually mourned over that 22 year old boy I fell in love with...I miss him so much, but then that 18 year old girl isn't around anymore either and I'm sure my H misses her. I hope, however, I will start to love the man I have today as my H. Although I have issues about his working and how he deals with our bills, I have learned to respect him in many other ways.
Ok, well, I wasn't sure how the posts went if I wasn't trying to send it to anyone particular.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I know how much a family can love their pets....I have a little dog also, and she is like a member of the family. Hope nobody else gets hurt and glad your dad's little one is okay.
As far as my post today....I can't thank you enough for the way you encourage me. I need a lot of it because I know I am going through a fragile time. By that I mean that I think a lot of folks could give up easily during this period of the R because it is so difficult.
It was very, very encouraging to hear about the other couples you told me about. I have often wondered if I am the oldest person on this board. I don't remember seeing or reading where anyone else is as old as I am. I know when I was a young person, it kind of made me sick to think about people in the 60's having "sex"! lol......but it is still an important part of life and yes, we still do it! However, by this time of our lives we have grown children and most of us have grandchildren, but other issues come into the picture, like health problems, fixed incomes, etc. And.........believe it or not, we still have MR issues. Maybe not everyone's is sex or OP, but I remember my grandparents were married about 65 years and they still had to work on it! My grandmother, whose wisdom I missed very much, told me once that IF you want a good marriage, you never reach a point that you don't keep working at it. I may have already shared that with everyone, I can't remember because I have told several people. Sometimes I wonder if you don't have to work a little harder when you get older because of the different transitions that we go through, etc. I hope that is not discouraging to anyone, but you know we don't stay the same through-out life.
I have tried to tell young people that are getting married that person they are so madly in love with at 20 will not be that same person in ten years and they better learn to love the constant changes being made or they are in trouble. I can say that from experience! I was 18 and my H was 22 when we married. I actually mourned over that 22 year old boy I fell in love with...I miss him so much, but then that 18 year old girl isn't around anymore either and I'm sure my H misses her. I hope, however, I will start to love the man I have today as my H. Although I have issues about his working and how he deals with our bills, I have learned to respect him in many other ways.
Ok, well, I wasn't sure how the posts went if I wasn't trying to send it to anyone particular.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
