In your example (I haven't seen the movie but I have heard about it), maybe jennifer's character is just uncertain about how vince feels for her and how she feels for him. In that case if Jennifer had directly asked Vince to clean up the apartment then she got home and it was clean, how would she react? She might still be unhappy BECAUSE OF INTERNAL ISSUES so better not to ask him to clean the apartment to leave the possibility that she might be happy if HE just does what she needs him to.
Excellent point. Let's say Jennifer's uncertainty about Vince's affection is equivalent to her uncertainty about whether her new jeans make her *ss look fat. Her uncertainty drives her need for validation. If she were more confident about Vince's affection or how hot her *ss looked in her new jeans she would be okay without validation and actually better at accepting or recognizing affirmation. She might be annoyed because the apartment is messy but she wouldn't see it as a sign of not caring. Of course, we can never be certain about another person's affection for us or their opinion of the hotness of our appearance no matter what they do or say. Therefore, the best we can do is whatever is necessary to convince ourselves that we are worthy of affection or in possession of a hot *ss. Once we do that, we can luxuriate in any affirmation that comes our way.
I guess this whole concept is crystal clear to me at the moment because I was so seriously in need of validation of my sexual attractiveness a few months ago. Not too long ago, I sat across a restaurant table from a man and was absolutely unable to believe that he found me sexually attractive even when he lobbed blatant sexual innuendo my way. The thing I've come to realize is that if we look for validation from others on anything, it's like we're always seeing ourselves in some sort of fun house mirror based on another's life experience or inherent temperament and preferences. When we are able to give ourselves affirmative messages, we no longer need the external validation and we open ourselves up to greater connection with others when we can accept their individual preferences that might conflict with our own as well as those that are affirming.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
