Well, I just had a brief talk with her, offering to listen to her without judgment, pretense, or anger. It was as if CL wrote the script: I got me nowhere. First, she denied sleepwalking. Said it did not happen. I KNOW that it did, I heard her cry out and walk around the house. Then she said, "I don't know how to take this." I told her, "Take it for what it is: an offer of assistance. Nothing more." If I got to her, it did not show. It was as if I was telling her the dog needs to go to the groomer...
My theory is she does not want to appear weak and needy to me. She wants to show absolute confidence and resolve when in fact she is scared and lonely, racked with guilt. Next step is to wake her up when she is sleepwalking... kind of "catch her in the act." Then repeat my offer of love and support.
This was a step forward for me. It's been a while since I offered my emotional support to her. I am glad I did it. What I did not hear was, "Our marriage is over" or "You are the wrong person to help me" or (worst) "you are not able to help me" or something else bad like that. I am not going to read into this... If anything, it steels my resolve to continue to DB.
Thanks for listening...
Hey Mark, A few comments for you...
First, I think it's good that you offered support. That's a change for you, communicating in that way, and I think that's positive. I think your interpretation of W's reaction is very likely to be correct.
HOWEVER, when she denies sleepwalking, you arguing (even politely) with her about it is not going to get you far. Backing a scared and confused animal into a corner just makes them bite!
You've offered support and you've told her you love her. Now (this is the hard part), you need to back off. Do not PURSUE.
Second, I wonder why you want to cancel the cable TV. Is it absolutely necessary for your finances? If not, you should probably just drop it. I would see this as one or more of: punishing W, making your home less "hospitable" for W, encouraging W to go elsewhere to watch TV (maybe OM's place?) When you are choosing courses of action, always ask yourself, Does this bring me closer to my goal of saving the marriage, or push me farther away?
Finally - most importantly - I have to call you on something. There were several times recently where you've said "I found something out, W doesn't know I know..." Dude, it seems pretty clear to me - you're snooping. Trust someone who's been there - snooping does NOT help you. It feeds your fears and anxieties. It causes you to focus on W rather than on yourself. Knowing the bad stuff doesn't make it feel less bad - honest. And if you are ever caught doing this, it will undermine whatever trust may still exist in the relationship between you and W.
There are lots of folks around here who gave into this temptation and regretted it in the long run, myself included. Seriously, the sooner you knock it off and get your mind focused more strongly on YOU and your PMA and your GAL activities, the better you will feel and the better your chances of success will be.
Thread #10 22 year M, MLC, Piecing since 1/07 Goal: Live with confidence & enthusiasm!
