You make some good points concerning the other validation issue. I agree with you on most of what you’ve said. I have never met anyone who is totally self validating and I doubt I ever will. Even someone of thinks he is that, may only seem that way until problems arise and his wife leaves. Then that so called self validating man can fall into a funk like the rest of us. People have a natural tendency to seek approval from others, beginning as babies seeking approval from parents. It is inbreed. When that approval is lacking, FOO issues develop. So trying to turn around that natural tendency to seek validation and transform into a man who does not need validation from others is only theoretical at best. I do not think it is possible in reality. Even Schnarch writes in his book how he could not do it.
Like every thing else, a balance is needed. Too much other validation creates co-dependency problems. Too little creates insecurity and jealousy problems in the spouse, leading to undue amounts of testing. CeMar, I think you need to move a little more to the middle. You spend too much time arguing over theory, using holes in that theory as an excuse to do nothing. There is no right answer and there never will be. Stop hiding and avoiding. This is all a very passive aggressive tactic on your part. Own up to what you need to do and do it. It doesn’t matter where it falls within theory. You will have to refine anything you to do meet your circumstances anyway.
I don't complain to her about her lack of desire, I am actually TOO nice to her about it. Too much MR. Nice Guy syndrome. I do struggle to find a way to tell her she is basically failing in meeting ANY of my needs, but to do so in a way that will not cause her to give up, but to encourage her to work on it.
Don’t hide behind the excuse that you don’t express your needs because you need to rescue your wife from getting discouraged. You be responsible for putting your needs and emotions out there for her to understand. Let her be responsible for how she will deal with that. Your hiding will only keep both of you trapped in denial and stuck in your rut.
This sounds like the typical shame-based way of avoiding problems to me. Was this what your childhood was like, with no one saying anything so as to not put the other into a difficult position, thereby avoiding the need to deal with any problems and giving the impression that all was good and that you had a calm, peaceful, healthy childhood?
