NikkiB #18

[NikB]

haha me too C_K!

Nothing too "exciting" to report from last night. I did a lot of housecleaning and chores. Felt good to have the house so clean! I have been keeping it clean but not as obsessively as when I had so much free time on my hands... so it feels good to have it realy spotless fora while.

Things just felt pretty normal with H... had dinner, watched TV a bit, he did garage stuff while I worked in the house. Felt nice to just be normal. No distance, highs or lows, just NORMAL.

Had one brief but really interesting conversation. In the morning I had asked H what day he could get off early for MC (he had told me earlier he could get off early but not what day). He said Tuesday so I thanked him, and scheduled it yesterday. Last night he didn't even ask if I had scheduled it, assumed that I did, but we had this convo:

H: So Tuesday.. is that for both of us?
Me: (confused) Uh yeah, well, that was what I thought. Why do you ask?
H: Well, I wondered if just I should go.
Me: If you'd like to do that, that's ok with me. I would like to go together at some point though.
H: Well I'm the one who's screwed up. You're fine, aren't you?
Me: I think we both have some things to work on, and some of it's stuff we could use help with together.
H: So you have something to get off your chest too?
Me: Uh, there's a lot we need to talk about I think, and I know I could use some help working through it. [or something..forget how I worded this exactly.]
H: I'm the one who's messed up in the head though. I'm the one who's doing things wrong.
Me: Do you want to get into any of it now, or wait til Tuesday? [I wanted to wait but didn't want to shut him down if he wanted to talk]
H: Oh, no, don't want to talk about it right now. I just wondered if I should go alone on Tuesday.

I left it open and asked him to just let me know what he decides. Thought that was a really interesting convo though. I was proud of us both for talking through it and not getting into things we weren't comfortable tackling on our own. In the past this type of convo could easily have spiraled downward in a HURRY.

The #1 thing that jumped out at me was how we really have NO IDEA what the other one is thinking. I knew this, but it just really emphasized it for me. In particular I'm reminded how "the bomb" came as such a surprise to me. I bet H would've been shocked to hear me say that I am thinking very seriously about whether this M is right for me at this point (deep down I think yes, but I see a lot of changes needed too, it wasn't just me who needed to change).

So... we'll see how it goes, but just wanted to share/journal that.