I don't know how to Journal....it went to the wrong person.

Morning to all,

I just need to talk some. I made it through another week without any contact with OM...as I said, I told him good-bye, but I still have my moments that it is hard to deal with that fact. One night I get through without fantasizing about him....then the next...not so good. Maybe the positive side of that is that at least I'm not doing it evey night and all day long like I was doing.

I now know that I was not truly in love with him. However, I miss him....but when I think about it carefully, it is not really "him" that I miss....it is the times that were shared. We had "playful" times together...and that may sound disgusting to you LBS and I don't mean that to sound offensive. We talked, laughed, teased, joked, etc. (Remember, it was because of my lack of these things in my life that drew me into this to begin with.) Of course, he was always very attentive and ready to listen to my problems. I now understand that he did that in order to get any "other" thrill that he received from me and was working up to a PA. The minute I told him I could not continue and would not have an affair while I was married....he was willing to cut the strings without even putting up a struggle.

If any other WAW have had an EA/PA, I sure would be interested in hearing from you about your experiences and how you are dealing with them.

As I have said in previous posts, I am taking baby-steps toward restoring my relationship with H. We are "nice" to each other and are getting along fine....no arguments, or anything like that. He does not offer to touch me in any way...which I am grateful. What bothers me though is the fact that I still have no "feelings" for him other than how I woud feel toward a brother. I keep thinking about what some of you have told me that to do the "actions" and then the "feelings" would follow. I believe that....it's just that some days I get a litte scared and wonder if I will ever feel what a wife should feel for her H. Maybe I won't have that feeling of "in-love" again, but I would be satisfied to just feel "loving" toward him. I would like to feel sexually attracted to him....and I don't. Right now, I feel like I could go the rest of my life and never have sex with him again. It has been that way for eleven years. That is a long, long time to not be intimate. I read a little bit of what Michelle has to offer about her "assignments" and just go ahead and do it. It was easier to do things like that when I was younger....and this may sound just like an "excuse" and perhaps it is, I'm not sure....it's just that I can't seem to force myself to do that now. The "wall" is too high and too thick. I honestly think I could have had sex with the OM and done things with him easier than I can this man I have been married to for 41 years and have not been intimate with for eleven years! Why? Because I had those sexual feelings and excitement toward the OM. I just don't have them, yet, for my H and it scares me.

I am rambling and emotional steam here. I don't have any intentions of returning to the OM. I just want to feel "normal" toward the man I am married to. Please don't get disgusted with me and stop giving me advice. Today is just one of those hard times for me. I'm not tempted to contact the OM...don't mean hard like that...just discouraged about my emotions for my H. I know it really hasn't been that long....since I broke the connection with the OM and decided to stay in my M, but it sure feels like it. I know, logically, that I can't expect my emotions to kick in when I have been out of tune with my H for so many months. But, I needed to vent, so thanks for listening.

I am open to anything you would like to "vent" back at me.
We were goint to have "talks" every night for our therapy. Well, it lasted about three times and that was then end of it. I have to admit that I have really not had the desire to do it, which is strange because I was always the one that wanted to "talk"...not him. He has not mentioned it and neither have I. So, I don't know if he wants to or not. The last time we talked, he was very tired and almost feel asleep. I don't want to talk about the OM and I told him that I did not want to dread our "talks" thinking he may bring that subject up. He said he never had to bring it up again. Maybe it just needs time to heal. He has been so good about giving me "space". I have spent most of my evenings on the computer reading this board and it has helped me so much, but I know I need to start spending more time watching tv with him. The problem there is that I am so bored with tv and that is why I started playing the on-line games to begin with. TV has always been his evening entertainment and his way of relaxing. In fact, TV has just about been his center of everything around his homelife. The first many years, it was fine because I loved TV also, but now I am tired of it and none of the shows seem to interest me.

It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!