Heywyre: You said that up until the children were born you did have a PM and yet you called your wife frigid in a diferent post. What is wrong with the term fridgid? If you don't desire sex and avoid it a lot, I would say that person is fridgid.
Cemar, you missed the point. Your wife was not always LD as you have stated. I remember you once posting that she used to give you BJs while you were driving. She became LD after the kids, so you need to figure out why. You've gotten a lot of theories here to start with. BTW, using the term "frigid" to describe your wife is derogatory and contemptuous. If this is the way you view your wife, certainly she is picking up on it.
THis is the irony of the situation, she can not fully trust me because I am unhappy and may leave her, just like others have done. But she is the CAUSE of my being unhappy in the marriage. She can not trust me fully because she senses that I may someday leave her because she has no sex drive because she does not trust me.
She is NOT the cause of your unhappiness. YOU ARE. Her fears of abandonment have nothing to do with your sex life. Those fears are the fears of the child in her. How often do you have sex with your wife? It sounds like it may be a lot more than many posters here.
Has it ever occurred to you that if she is having sex with you regularly, she thinks you're satisfied with that? Because her LL is clearly WOA/AOS, every time you refuse to recognize what she does for you and the family in those categories, she thinks she has to step it up and do more. And more. And more. She must know you are unhappy, but she assumes it's because you aren't happy with her as a (house)wife and mother, because those are the messages you are sending her by refusing to praise what she does.
As for my list, the most important aspect of the list is not what you do, its not how often you do them, its not how you do them, the important aspect is WHY you do them. For example, I would love BJ's. But the intimacy of the BJ comes from WHY she does it. If she does it because she WANTS to do it for herself, that is incredibly intimate. If she does it for me, that is far less valuable, and if I have to ASK for it, that is worth almost nothing, and if she does not want to do it, she will get NEGATIVE love bank points. This is why many relationship experts say that for many SSM's, the return of desire is a REQUIREMENT to saving the marriage.
Cemar, I think you believe deep down on an unconscious level that you aren't worthy of love, especially intimate love from your wife. Your beliefs and actions are allowing you to act out your self-fulfilling prophecy -- that you are unlovable. You blame your wife so you don't have to confront yourself with your greatest fear -- that you are unlovable. But you know what? That is the core fear of most human beings, so you aren't alone. You just need to recognize that this fear is what's driving your behavior and then figure out what to do about it.
