Mark, is there a "lighter" subject that would help you lead into the sleepwalking? It just sounded like the tv time might be a volatile subject and would not be the best lead into a heatfelt discussion about you offering help. GOOD LUCK! HOpefully you'll get some good advice here. I'm off to work....
We flipped pages, so I am re-posting with minor adjustments:
OK, I am once again trusting my DBing friends for advice.
My wife has started sleepwalking again. She only sleepwalks when she feels EXTREME guilt over something VERY BIG she has done. It seems that the affair is beginning to weigh heavily on her mind. Last night, she was sleepwalking (we have separate rooms). I got up to help her. She pretended it didn't happen and said she had to go to the bathroom. So I went to my corner. She took a long time in the bathroom, and when she got out, I tiptoed into the hallway. There was no mistaking, I could tell that the reason she took so long in the bathroom is that she had been crying. Folks, she's in way over her head.
Now given the fact that she has no interest in communicating anything with me, let alone something so emotionally weighty, I am wondering how to approach this with her. Here are the facts: - She knows that I want to salvage and improve the marriage. - She has committed (to me and many others) to ending the marriage - She still has some feelings for me. If she didn't, she wouldn't feel guilt. - She is taking anti-depressant medication - She considers me incapable of communicating with anybody. - She is VERY afraid of being on her own (no me, and no OM) - She is totally infatuated with OM, and considers him her soul mate
In order to assuage her guilt, she needs to end one of the relationships. Right now, I am the #3 man in her life (behind OM & father). It may indeed be do or die time for our marriage.
I am considering doing this: I will find something to talk about of some significance (not the weather). At the conclusion, offer my support and availability: "I just want to say something else: You know how I feel about you. Although I haven't always been there for you, I wanted to let you know that I am here for you now, if you want to talk about anything else. I care about you and am concerned about you. I know you have been sleepwalking. Tell me how I can help you." And leave it at that.
Any other suggestions?
BTW: One of the big complaints she has about me is that the last time she was sleepwalking (2 yrs ago), I didn't offer to help.
Wow, she puts her father before you? That's bazaar. As far as her putting the OM ahead of you, that is a phase and I think it will go away eventually. I think she is really messed up right now. I would definately give your support for her and tell her that you will be there for her.
It can't hurt only help. Im sorry I couldn't offer any more advice to you, but I will pray that it works. If she only knew what she was missing.
Blessings~
me: 37 H: 44 Married for 18 years this june S7 S3 porn issues, and much more... since 7/06
Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.
tiredandlost- She puts everybody ahead of me. Don't you understand? She is cheating on me, lying to me, bad-mouthing me to OM... she has no respect for me whatsoever. Remember, she flew out of town last week to visit OM... at OUR expense!
And you are helping me, much more than you think. I was looking for somebody to say, "Don't do it! It's a bad idea!" Guess I am walking on eggshells a little, and afraid to make a mistake... Thanks for helping me!
Hey mark, Keep posting. I think you like me have so many thoughts running through our heads that it helps to post them here so others can help US sort through the "white noise"
Husband
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
Mark, You can try to offer your support regarding the sleepwalking, but my guess is you have little credibility regarding being supportive. I don't see it being a successful conversation. However, it will let it be known that you are concerned. There's no harm in that. Keep your expectations realistic.
Keep working on your own happiness. Use the freedom you have to cultivate a positive life for yourself and children. I think it's great about your joining a men's group at your church. As you fill your life up with positives, you will continue to get stronger, and it will be easier to develop boundaries (emotional and physical) with your W.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Well, I just had a brief talk with her, offering to listen to her without judgment, pretense, or anger. It was as if CL wrote the script: I got me nowhere. First, she denied sleepwalking. Said it did not happen. I KNOW that it did, I heard her cry out and walk around the house. Then she said, "I don't know how to take this." I told her, "Take it for what it is: an offer of assistance. Nothing more." If I got to her, it did not show. It was as if I was telling her the dog needs to go to the groomer...
My theory is she does not want to appear weak and needy to me. She wants to show absolute confidence and resolve when in fact she is scared and lonely, racked with guilt. Next step is to wake her up when she is sleepwalking... kind of "catch her in the act." Then repeat my offer of love and support.
This was a step forward for me. It's been a while since I offered my emotional support to her. I am glad I did it. What I did not hear was, "Our marriage is over" or "You are the wrong person to help me" or (worst) "you are not able to help me" or something else bad like that. I am not going to read into this... If anything, it steels my resolve to continue to DB.
I feel the same way.. walking on eggshells that is. Up and downs are the worst. She is being completly selfish right now, but also is confused.
Keep up what you are doing, you are stronger than you think.. I can feel it and Im only talking to you through email!
One thing that I personally abide to is my immediate family comes first before anyone else... including my own parents , that's the way its supposed to be and if she is putting the OM before you and her immediate family, I personally would like to smack her.
Sorry about that...
me: 37 H: 44 Married for 18 years this june S7 S3 porn issues, and much more... since 7/06
Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.
tired- It's pretty clear to me. She is breaking up a family in order to fulfill a selfish, short-sighted need. She does put OM before all of us. She went out of town overnite to see him! Where does that put us? Yep, square behind him.
If you smack her, get her in the ass... she used to like when I did that... Now it's somebody else's turn...
Thanks for the encouragement. I sometimes feel like I am wandering in the dark.
Well, I just had a brief talk with her, offering to listen to her without judgment, pretense, or anger. It was as if CL wrote the script: I got me nowhere. First, she denied sleepwalking. Said it did not happen. I KNOW that it did, I heard her cry out and walk around the house. Then she said, "I don't know how to take this." I told her, "Take it for what it is: an offer of assistance. Nothing more." If I got to her, it did not show. It was as if I was telling her the dog needs to go to the groomer...
My theory is she does not want to appear weak and needy to me. She wants to show absolute confidence and resolve when in fact she is scared and lonely, racked with guilt. Next step is to wake her up when she is sleepwalking... kind of "catch her in the act." Then repeat my offer of love and support.
This was a step forward for me. It's been a while since I offered my emotional support to her. I am glad I did it. What I did not hear was, "Our marriage is over" or "You are the wrong person to help me" or (worst) "you are not able to help me" or something else bad like that. I am not going to read into this... If anything, it steels my resolve to continue to DB.
Thanks for listening...
Hey Mark, A few comments for you...
First, I think it's good that you offered support. That's a change for you, communicating in that way, and I think that's positive. I think your interpretation of W's reaction is very likely to be correct.
HOWEVER, when she denies sleepwalking, you arguing (even politely) with her about it is not going to get you far. Backing a scared and confused animal into a corner just makes them bite!
You've offered support and you've told her you love her. Now (this is the hard part), you need to back off. Do not PURSUE.
Second, I wonder why you want to cancel the cable TV. Is it absolutely necessary for your finances? If not, you should probably just drop it. I would see this as one or more of: punishing W, making your home less "hospitable" for W, encouraging W to go elsewhere to watch TV (maybe OM's place?) When you are choosing courses of action, always ask yourself, Does this bring me closer to my goal of saving the marriage, or push me farther away?
Finally - most importantly - I have to call you on something. There were several times recently where you've said "I found something out, W doesn't know I know..." Dude, it seems pretty clear to me - you're snooping. Trust someone who's been there - snooping does NOT help you. It feeds your fears and anxieties. It causes you to focus on W rather than on yourself. Knowing the bad stuff doesn't make it feel less bad - honest. And if you are ever caught doing this, it will undermine whatever trust may still exist in the relationship between you and W.
There are lots of folks around here who gave into this temptation and regretted it in the long run, myself included. Seriously, the sooner you knock it off and get your mind focused more strongly on YOU and your PMA and your GAL activities, the better you will feel and the better your chances of success will be.
Thread #10 22 year M, MLC, Piecing since 1/07 Goal: Live with confidence & enthusiasm!
