You said that up until the children were born you did have a PM and yet you called your wife frigid in a diferent post. What is wrong with the term fridgid? If you don't desire sex and avoid it a lot, I would say that person is fridgid.
I don't complain to her about her lack of desire, I am actually TOO nice to her about it. Too much MR. Nice Guy syndrome. I do struggle to find a way to tell her she is basically failing in meeting ANY of my needs, but to do so in a way that will not cause her to give up, but to encourage her to work on it.
But the SL while an important part is not the only reason you love someone. This is where we differ. First, men see sex completely differently from how women see it. I for one CAN NOT separate Desire from Love, but this is normal. Remember, Deida says that men should NEVER be in relationships with women that desire LESS then the man. The mans REWARD in life is to have a women that DESIRES him. So a woman that only can LOVE can not give her man his REWARD in life, and to go without the reward makes life pretty much suck. The reward is incredible, there is NOTHING in life that can equal it or replace it. The reward is what really makes life worth living.
Your bitterness shines out and if even some of this is seen by your wife she must be in a constant state of fear like she felt as a child. I bet you are right. THis is the irony of the situation, she can not fully trust me because I am unhappy and may leave her, just like others have done. But she is the CAUSE of my being unhappy in the marriage. She can not trust me fully because she senses that I may someday leave her because she has no sex drive because she does not trust me.
As for my list, the most important aspect of the list is not what you do, its not how often you do them, its not how you do them, the important aspect is WHY you do them. For example, I would love BJ's. But the intimacy of the BJ comes from WHY she does it. If she does it because she WANTS to do it for herself, that is incredibly intimate. If she does it for me, that is far less valuable, and if I have to ASK for it, that is worth almost nothing, and if she does not want to do it, she will get NEGATIVE love bank points. This is why many relationship experts say that for many SSM's, the return of desire is a REQUIREMENT to saving the marriage.
But beyond all that, the game plan is that we both have to change. I have lots of things to blindly stab at, plenty of info there. So what do the LD people do to change their desire? And yes, their ONLY focus is to be on desire. As my pastor once said in a sermon, the wifes duty in marriage is basically desire and admiration, and this includes desiring when the husband is not desireable (mainly because we are all imperfect humans).
