Newcomer in Pain

[GainingStrength]

I'm a newcomer who has been inspired by Michele's books and the posts I've read. I'm writing because I'm in such pain that I don't know if I can keep on DBing. My wife says that I haven't been meeting her emotional needs for years, that our age difference has become too great, and btw she has started a 'friendship' with someone else (he is 38, never been married).
She just now called me to discuss our financial and child custody arrangements. She is so intent on getting me out of her life so that she can start her new life that it is ripping me apart! I have been near perfect in following all of the programs in the Divorce Remdedy, but I don't know how much longer I can keep it up. I would appreciate any advice and/or support.

Me - 63
W - 40
married - 13 April 91
two children: girl 8, boy 14
bomb - (said she wanted divorce) - 6 July 07
separated - 13 July 07 (I still have my office in the home but am sleeping in our travel trailer parked in our sideyard)
1st appointment with mediator - 23 July 07
divorce papers about to be filed
She is the exec director of a non-profit; I am a self-employed consultant

[Heimlich]

Larry,

I'm sure others will chime in as well, but I'll be the first to welcome you. Feel free to rant and rave her, not to your W. Sounds like you've read the books and all, and that's a great start. I guess the biggest thing that we ALL have to remind ourselves of if we want to put the effort in to make our M work is -- PATIENCE. It's going to take more time than you'd like and you're going to have to take more than you'd like from your W, more than likely.

So, that said, couple of questions.

1. "Friendship" with another man. The obvious question, to you suspect an A? If so, don't snoop. Others will say it makes it worse.
2. It's not over until it's over, don't despair.
3. Start focusing on yourself. Be the guy that she fell in love with, but better. Really start thinking about her comment about meeting her emotional needs. To many of us, our S's announcement came out of nowhere, however, what she's feeling is what she's feeling. You have to accept that. Regardless of what your intentions were.
4. Age is nothing but a number, right? She knew the age difference when she got into this.

Hang in there,

BD

[NikB]

(((Larry)))) (that means hugs for you, in case you hadn't see it before)

Sorry that you're here, but you're in a good place.

What have you been doing to DB/DR??

So much of it is about focusing on you and improving yourself, your life - really, it's good to keep that stuff up no matter what, even if your M doesn't work out.

Just noticed your sig too, wow - your age difference is almost the same as my dad and stepmom, who are also currently separated. Wish I could get you two together somehow, at least to commiserate. My Dad's not on here but if you're interested at all in trying to get in touch with him you can email me. My email is: (deleted by sg...). I'm not sure if he'd be up for it either - but I could see if he's willing to email back and forth with you since your sitches are kind of similar.

What state are you in? Is there any sort of waiting period?

This is a great place for support - we're here for you.

[indybyathread]

Larry,

Wow this is all happening so fast for you! Most of us have been going through this stuff for months, some years. BD is right that patience is so important. Unfortunately, your wife seems to be really rushing into this. I wonder if there are any ways you can think of to put on the breaks a bit without seeming like you are dragging your heels?

How about telling her that you feel very strongly that you need some guidelines to deal with one another as parents before you proceed with the legal aspects of your D. Ask her to attend a few couples counseling sessions with you. See if you can buy some time that way. Also, have you asked her to consider a separation first? It just seems like this is happening so fast. I hope you can find a way to slow it down enough to give her time to be certain it is what she really wants.

[dlt1]

Larry,
I'm pretty new here as well. Listen to what others say, read posts, etc. I especially have been reading some of the folks who have been at this for 6+ months. Helps the idea of patience sink in. I'm sure your head is spinning, take a breath and sloooowwww down. As you look at yourself, ask the hard questions and be honest with yourself. Celebrate the good days. There are a lot of good people here to offer advice, and more importantly, support. Keep your head up!

[GainingStrength]

Bless all of you for the quick feedback! I'm still in shock and so haven't yet cried too much, but reading your replies brought tears to my eyes. I don't feel so alone now.

Answers to your Qs:
- The 'friendship' is an EA which started in about May. That, I believe was the catalyst for our split. It's about to become a PA judging from the receipt for the black satin negligee she left out on her vanity.
- Re being honest with myself, I have been honest, and I plead guilty. We got in the cycle of me being 'shut down' and not emotionally expressive, her becoming resentful and pushing me away, me retreating more..., until she sought attention elsewhere and became a WAW. Our children, of course, are innocent bystanders who can't understand why their world is coming apart.
-Re what I've been doing to DB, I read the DR and other books and articles, notably Micheles article: "While Your Spouse Decides" in which David says: "I decided, early in my separation, that my wife was my best friend....ever." I resolved to NEVER allow the separation to hinder my friendship with her." (David is my hero and role model.) That's how I've been treating my W. I haven't yet shown any anger or recrimination and my energies have gone toward helping her get to where she insists on going anyway, getting the divorce filed; i.e. working on the paperwork, helping her with checking accounts, planning the splitting of assets, etc, Also, I've concentrated on spending time with my kids, especially my devastated 14-year-old son. The W admits that I've always been a great father, even more so since the split.
- Also, I've started working on myself. I'm finally getting over turning 60 three years age and am not so depressed about it. I'm showing more energy in all contacts with others. Also, I realized I've had a low-grade clinical depression and am now on anti-depressants. Next week, I have my first seesion with a "separated men's" support group.
- Re trying to slow things down, When my W sets a goal, she goes at it like a pit bull. She wants her new life and she wants it now! For that, her old life with me needs to go away ASAP, and she's working hard on making that happen. Fortunately, in California, there is a six-month waiting period between when divorce is filed and when it is final. I'm going to need all my strength to continue DBing through that time...
- At this point, it's the affair that is driving the divorce (though not the underlying cause). Michele and others have said that an affair is an addiction which distorts all thought processes and requires gratification above all other considerations. I would dearly like to hear others' experience re this.

Those are long-winded answers to short questions. Let me say again how grateful I am to have good people like you to talk to. Thank you!

[thegoodfight]

Larry,

Let me say first Hi and welcome. I just started posting two days ago but I have been lurking here for much longer just never registered or posted.

First take of you and your kids, next you know since you read Michelle's books that she is going to be more selfish than usual and she believes D is the answer to all her problems. You will have to wait it out and let her experience the other man. Once the Euphoria stage wears off then you have a good chance but until then make stuff about you and the kids.

Don't be a roadblock, but don't be an open gate either! I think you know what I mean.

[NikB]

Larry,

You're definitely NOT alone. Glad you came here for support.

Hey, I'm in California too. I'm near Sacramento - are you anywhere near me? There are quite a few of us in California although I haven't run across anyone in my area yet (well, except one guy's WAW who lives out here, but I haven't met her for obvious reasons ).

One thing about that CA law - it's not actually 6 months from the date that the D is filed, it's from the date of separation. This is easy if you agree on the separation date, but it's not always cut and dried. Do you consider yourselves separated since you're still living basically at the same house? It's a fuzzy line. I've also seen WAS try to get the LBS to lie about the separation date to push things through faster. I'd be prepared in case she brings this up. Don't freak out or even try to change her mind, just tell her calmly that you do not feel ok about fudging on the date. (and don't bring it up at all unless she does, just wanted you to be aware of it).

I wouldn't do much else to try and slow things down, it'll just come across as pushing and manipulating. Since the state automatically "gives" you a 6 month slow down I'd just leave it at that.

That's really nasty of your W to leave that receipt out where you'd see it. Sorry, that just makes me really mad!! Nothing you can do about it and not that productive to dwell on it but geez.

Now getting back to the DB/DR concepts.. sounds like you're off to a pretty good start. SO glad you are getting treated for the depression, that alone will make a world of difference.

The other key things will be:
- GAL. Do things you've always wanted to do/try, things you left behind awhile ago maybe. Hobbies, sports, whatever. The support group is a great start but also do things that you ENJOY, do them for fun, things that are totally not related to your M situation.

- Detach. Be a friend to your W, but at a distance. It protects you, and it gives her the space that she needs right now. This is incredibly hard and it will take a long time, way longer than you'd think. Here's a great site with more info on it: http://www.coping.org/control/detach.htm

At some point, you will begin to wonder if the M is right for YOU also. It'll come as a bit of a shock but it's a good thing - it means you're detached and thinking about what's best for you and your future.

[GainingStrength]

Nikki - Tnx for your feedback!

Actually, I'm in socal: San Juan Capistrano.

GAL will be my next step; after I regain a little emotional balance.

I'm working on detachment. It's a little diffficult since I have my office here in the house and need to be here for the kids. I understand the need, though, to keep some distance from the W. You are right, it is incredibly hard and will take time. From your sit, it looks like your husband moved back in after three months. I think my sit will take longer...

[GainingStrength]

GoodFight - Thanks for the perspective on the way affairs work, and for the good advice.