I have noticed a lot of posts that reference and share stories about having a WAS and why the do it and how to bring them back. I would be happy to answer questions since I was a WAS and now I am trying to prevent my M for entering the D.
I had an affair, I am not proud of it, I do not condone or justify them, but perhaps I can share some insight as to what contributed to it, and how to prevent it and understand what your WAS is going through. I also have witnessed what my W. is going through as the one who was cheated on and what emotions may come into play once your WAS returns or decides they want to stay with you.
My goal is to contribute to this group and hopefully help my own situation. I am not looking for; it is all right, just want to share and maybe give some of you some much needed hope and information.
Married:10 years D final 8/28/08 10 minutes is all it took Life goes on and DB was no small part in growing from the Divorce!
Me:38 W: 35 Married 11 years 2 daughters ages 7 and 3 D filed by her [url]http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1143353&page=2#Post1143353[/url]
I will try answer as best as I can. First off what did she do that helped, she did not stand in my way and said to me you have to figure things out for yourself. She did not threaten that if I walked out the door physically or emotionally she was done. That helped make me think long and hard about this. I took me about two weeks physically to come back and about 3 months emotinally to clear my insane thoughts.
Let me say my thoughts and perceptions were not rational but at the time I could not see it. I saw a counselor before moving out and all she did was listen but asked very few questions and offered no solutions. Let me say hind sight 20/20 not a good counsler.
The difficulty now is although I am back emotinally she now has second thoughts on if she wants me back. Let me say if you really want your spouse back and they come back be prepared to feel anger and resentment toward them. If they are truely committed to admitting their faults and working toward a common goal it would be good if the other spouse knows what they want.
The roller coaster effect is tough on both. I hang in their because she showed patience with me and my family her and our son is worth it. Plus I owe it to myself. I will not make the mistake of leaving physically or emotionally again even though on occassion she says sometimes I wish you stayed gone. Again that is a shot sometimes that is hard to swallow even though I am mostly to blame for our situation.
Married:10 years D final 8/28/08 10 minutes is all it took Life goes on and DB was no small part in growing from the Divorce!
TGF, could you take a look at my current sitch and tell me if you think I made the right decision? I have let her go.
Me:38 W: 35 Married 11 years 2 daughters ages 7 and 3 D filed by her [url]http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1143353&page=2#Post1143353[/url]
Me:38 W: 35 Married 11 years 2 daughters ages 7 and 3 D filed by her [url]http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1143353&page=2#Post1143353[/url]
I may not be able to check back right away, I have to go out of town.
Me:38 W: 35 Married 11 years 2 daughters ages 7 and 3 D filed by her [url]http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1143353&page=2#Post1143353[/url]
My H is/was the WAS and came home in April. Things are still really up and down, and I think both of us have had second thoughts at times. Not really looking for advice right now, but it was good to hear what you had to say about that. Especially the anger/resentment. It's weird as the LBS to feel like you're getting everything you wanted, and then not be happy with it once it happens.
Thanks again, I think we can learn a lot from you and it means a lot that you're willing to share!
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
It is weird and demoralizing at times. It takes a lot of patience and unfortunately since we have been doing this at different times each one of us carries the torch alone. She did the first half of the year now it is my turn.
I can't change someone else, but I can change me. I try to remember the good things, the fun, what brought us together and I let go of the sometimes hurtful comments and indifferent actions, I am not a saint but I won't waiver from the goal and you can't get there over night.
Married:10 years D final 8/28/08 10 minutes is all it took Life goes on and DB was no small part in growing from the Divorce!
TGF, in those 2 weeks that you were physically gone and the 3 months of emotional thoughts, how did you feel about your W, what were you thinking about your R and M. Did you think that you were happy to be out of the R. 2 weeks isn't that long compared to some who have been gone for 7 weeks.
Me: 41 H: 39 D: 6 S: 4 M-14 T-16 first bomb: 5-12-07 (M dead doesn't really want to work things out.) second bomb: 6-4-2007 (found note he wrote about wanting desperately to be with OW and would have to give up everything) Kelley
