Madonna/Whore Complex (part 7)

[Heywyre]

Madonna/Whore part 6

Well we talked again tonight - so that is already 2 of the 3 times already

He didn't comfort me physically, but he did reassure me verbally that he has no desire to "go there" again and that he can understand how I am having a hard time trusting again.

It's a start

[RedHeadWife]

Good. I'm glad to hear things are going forward & well for you guys

[Heywyre]

thanks CM - it sure is a bumpy ride and I am hoping it will smooth out a little but I am starting to see some changes so that's always encouraging

Unfortunately though H doesn't think he needs counselling anymore. He says he is "content and stable" and doesn't feel the need for it. However, he does admit I might still need it for a while but this ST we are going to believes in joint counselling so if I was to continue going, H would have to too. H is agreeable to that. So, I guess I will continue to go, in the hopes it will continue to do H some good, which I am sure it will. This ST has been amazing in just about half a dozen sessions and I have seen a lot of improvement in H. There is no way I am stopping that now

[RedHeadWife]

I agree. I would continue going too, especially if that means that H will be going as well. Even though he doesn't think he needs it, he probably does and it can't do anything but help anyway.

[fearless]

Unfortunately though H doesn't think he needs counselling anymore.

???

I would make sure to bring this up in counseling. The odd thing is that BOTH of you need this counseling. Obviously your H has a specific issue with the M/W thing but I think you understand that other relationship issues might be your issues.

I think the hardest part with counseling for many people is that they feel it is a judgment of who they are at the core. That somehow if you need counseling it is a judgment about you. Instead I think counseling is more about recognizing specifics issues that are problematic for you (and those closest to you!) and dealing with them.

Specifically with him, has he acknowledged that he has been emotionally unavailable to you? Has he acknowledged that he needs to be? And has he figured out how to be??? I would think he would WANT help with that???

Since he will still go to counseling you are in great shape!!!

[Heywyre]

He has acknowleded a lot of things lately and I give him credit for that. But acknowledging and DOING are much different aren't they?

Saying you know what you have been doing wrong and being a part of the problem is a very good start but I need to see some consistency in his actions before I will be able to open up my heart again and trust.

[fearless]

But acknowledging and DOING are much different aren't they?

Definitely. DOING couldn't happen (at least not permanently) without his acknowledgment so at least you've got the first step firmly down. DOING is very important for YOU! I guess that is my concern with his comment about not needing counseling. Counseling seems very critical for DOING.

Good Luck

[Heywyre]

I agree. It's like saying I know I would like to play the piano and then not going for the lessons. Perhaps you could teach yourself but the results would be much less superior now wouldn't they?

So, I will continue to go. Not because I feel as though he needs to continue but because I think WE need to continue on with our growth. I have learned a lot from this process and I don't want to cut it out of my life just yet. I think I have just started in a lot of ways

[Crazy Eddie]

I think the hardest part with counseling for many people is that they feel it is a judgment of who they are at the core. That somehow if you need counseling it is a judgment about you.

It is a judgement about you, or at least an indication that you can't handle some part of your life without help. You think of people who had something worse happen to them who manage to deal with it while you have to run to a counselor. You think of people you've met who go to counselors and get nowhere. You think of people who start acting really strangely after counseling, who bail out of long-term commitments or cut themselves off from everyone they know or preach what might as well be a new religion. You wonder if you'll get counseling and then still be unable to deal with or fix whatever is wrong and then find yourself completely out of options.

Instead I think counseling is more about recognizing specifics issues that are problematic for you (and those closest to you!) and dealing with them.

And dealing with the fact that normal people deal with those issues just fine, and accepting it and being happy with yourself anyway. That takes time.

[Heywyre]

You wonder if you'll get counseling and then still be unable to deal with or fix whatever is wrong and then find yourself completely out of options.

CE - this is the line that jumped out at me and is EXACTLY how my H feels. He is a VERY intelligent man (when it comes to diagnosing OTHER people - common, I know) and his major was criminology and he minored in psych (ya, go figure eh?) and one of his favorite lines is "there isn't a psychologist or psychiatrist out there that can fix me or give me the answers"

So his perception of being "fixed" is very low. However, he has managed to accept the fact that the counselling has helped him recognize what the problem was/is (i.e. the attachment theory and his lack of connection with his primary caregiver when he was a child) and feels this is the closest he will ever get to having an "answer"