Walking in a minefield

[walkingcliche]

Her confusion, I guess. I just think it would be really lousy to try and insert a "new daddy" in at this point, seeing as how their relationship is such a joke (not that I said that to her, mind you).

I didn't realize it until this morning, but I may have played a powerful card unintentionally. Speaking hypothetically (although I failed to point that out specifically) about introducing S to other people in our lives, I said "If and when we get to that point, I would want you to meet her before he does." Upon analysis, however, I now realize that the statement may have sounded more like an unintentional/semi-intentional admission to having a relationship.

Remember, the last time she thought I was seeing someone was probably the most progress I have made in my DB'ing efforts. Even though she has her weekend pretty well planned, she has already extended contact with me, unnecessarily, twice since the talk yesterday.

Anywho, despite some of my harsher statements during the call yesterday ("You destroyed a family, W, you do not get rewarded for that" comes to mind), byt the end of the call we were pratically falling all over each other to try and give the other what they wanted. The whole point of the call was to change S's schedule until I was sure OM was out of the area (I admit, to you and to W, that is a purely selfish need on my part, but go to hell if you don't like it: He's my son), and she claimed she was planning on taking the day off to spend with S, apart form OM (pretty hard to believe, and I'm not sure that I do, but nothing in this is easy).

I wound up agreeing to extend her a large amount of undeserved trust and let her spend the day with him. As a bonus, I offered her the use of the house (a big issue between us, more on that later if I have the time), as she continues to blame me for him being away from what he calls "my house". Nevermind that she left and took him out of here, etc..., we all know how the blame game works.

Well, lo and behold: They never came to the house today. Did S meet OM? Probably, but if so I know I will find out eventually. Why bother asking?

Yeah, I know that I routinely break the DB'ing rules, but I just don't see the point of trying to save a marriage with the person that she currently is. I'm still making moves, giving her the opportunity to see that I am a better option than anything she can ever expect to come across, but I'm to the point of weilding my most powerful weapon to date: Utter indifference.

Despite her liberal usage of that tactic, I've certainly found that she does not like having it used on her. I've told her quite clearly that she is welcome to spend the weekend with OM, no skin off my nose, and I think she beleives me (mostly because it's true: I could really care less). Wonder what she will be thinking while she is with him?

She's a bug under glass to me at this point: A curiousity, perhaps, but no real threat.

Please note: Lest you get the wrong impression, I am actually being quite nice to her in our routine interactions (complimenting her new haircut, thanking her for the tiniest things, etc...). I am simply not interested in giving her the slightest sign of weakness or desire on my part, because I know where that path leads (right here).

P.S. I don't care what her plans are in the castle, Me and S are gonna have one heck of a picnic this weekend. Tee-hee.

[walkingcliche]

Got the good night call while I was out for some grub, was totally upbeat and happy. Talked to S about what a great time we are going to have this weekend. He sounds pretty good. I think. Said he went to the park today and rode the swings. I told him he was a big boy, and that I was very proud of him.

W got on and brought up the swings, saying that she thinks he has forgotten the time that he fell off of one and busted his lip about a year ago (this happened when she was in the midst of her first affair, and I believe she was probably on the phone with her lover and not paying attention. Can't prove it, probably paranoia, just have to let it go). I casually metioned that I have had him on swings a couple of times recently, so it's not that surprising. Her response was just a quiet "Oh". She then made a big show about worrying about S's wellbeing for the weekend (It's possible I'll be taking him camping for the first time). You and I know that if she cared about him (or herself) in the least, she wouldn't be doing any of this, but I digress. I just told her not to worry, I've got it all covered, enjoy your weekend, we'll update you if needed.

MIL is bringing S over tomorrow (first time in a month), and will be picking him up on Monday. Remember, FIL cheated on MIL with MIL's sister, divorced her, lied to the court and blackmailed her brother to obtain custody, and physically abused her on a number of a occasions. I wonder how she justifies her enabling actions in all of this to herself?

Anywho, I kept everything just as light and airy as you could possibly ask of me. Even managed to hang up mid-goodnight.

I am so glad I am not W. If I was, I probably would not see the dawn. Unfortunately, I seriously doubt she's gonna let us off that easy.

'Night.

[Atlas]

wc,

sounds to me like some good steps on her part, try and keep the conversation light, when it is you guys are doing well. seems like when the topic gets heavy you get heavy handed and she pulls back. i know how bad you want to tell her what she is doing is destroying herself, detrimental to your s, and hurting you, but i just don't think now is the time. become that person she can turn too and eventually she will.

my two cents.

[Nomopo]

Hello WC. I always hesitate to post on your thread for fear of pissing you off, but I think you have indicated that you are still open to hearing my thoughts. So, until I hear (or am reminded) otherwise, here it goes:

You and I know that if she cared about him (or herself) in the least, she wouldn't be doing any of this, but I digress.

Do you honestly believe she doesn't care for him in the least? Part of me says you kind of do believe this. And if that is true, (1) that part of you is almost certainly wrong, but (2) more importantly, it can't help but influence how you act towards/about her, which (a) will hinder your efforts to save your M/R and your family and (2) eventually will bleed through to your son and how he views his mother, and probably you, and will almost certainly cause him harm.

I am so glad I am not W. If I was, I probably would not see the dawn. Unfortunately, I seriously doubt she's gonna let us off that easy.

I'm gonna assume you are venting, but to the extent this accurately refelcts actual thoughts/feelings, the same comments/concerns (and more) apply. If all of this (and the other quote above), are just you blowing off steam, fine. But you should really ask yourself if you feel this way and assess what that means for you, your goals and your S.

MIL is bringing S over tomorrow (first time in a month), and will be picking him up on Monday. Remember, FIL cheated on MIL with MIL's sister, divorced her, lied to the court and blackmailed her brother to obtain custody, and physically abused her on a number of a occasions. I wonder how she justifies her enabling actions in all of this to herself?

She probably justifies it as being loyal to and caring for her D.

FWIW,
Nomo

[Heimlich]

WC,

Been reading through your posts off and on for the last few days. Don't want to sound like an ass, but here I go anyway.

First, yeah, you're W has gone off the deepend and your willingness to work things through with her is commendable. We're all in that situation to one degree or another.

One thing that strikes me in all of your posts is that you are a smart dude. In your first or second post, you mentioned you've got a genius level IQ. Wunderbar. Don't make a damn bit of difference here. You've got an air of sardonic detachment to your thoughts on your W. Do you really respect her? You keep saying that you've been the soul of light and wonderfulness in your interactions with her, but are you sure you're not carrying over that attitude to your interactions with her? That might just be how you're detaching, I use humor to do the same thing.

It's just that I detect a whiff of superiority to it all throughout your posts. Like you're above all of this and it's all happening on a plane lower than the one on which you exist. Is your W picking up on that?

If you're W is stll seeing OM, you almost have to to maintain your sanity. Yet, if you still want to get her back you're going to have to give her you -- not your brain.

Anyway. Rip me a new one, agree, or write a witty response (hell, or combine all three).

Hang in there. Nothing but best wishes for you.

BD

[Atlas]

wc,

i am seeing even through your perspective that w is reaching out, she is trying to get your attention. i guess i'm lost, you intentions are one thing, you throw them out here on the posts, but your actions with her are another matter.

i'm not going with nomo and heimlich, love you guys, but i'm seeing something diffrent. it appears in my little head that you want what you had. no one hear can have what they had, that is what got them here to being with. we all take a part in the failure of our marriage, god knows i did mine. but i think your reaching for the past, i know you love her and want her home. if things could just be the way they were, but they aren't. show her your want. for this one time let go, forget about the hurt that will be caused to you, because it will hurt but you will live. throw yourself into it, don't worry about the consequences. you will always pull through.

this is just my two cents, i think your great, but i think you want to punish her for the trespass. if you can make things work, by letting go for now, over time she will punish herself over her decision and you will and should be enough. show her your love.

don't give up, i see it in your posts.

[Nomopo]

i guess i'm lost, you intentions are one thing, you throw them out here on the posts, but your actions with her are another matter.

I just want WC to think about if this is really true. Sometimes we think we keep the two separate, but the underlying beliefs and attitudes can't help but color the interactions.

Hope you're doing ok today,
Nomo

[SunnySeason]

I did not do very well, I admit. The word "whore" may have come up a time or two. She claims to be dedicated to the idea of a divorce, despite her continued actions to the contrary. She is also still planning on going to see OM next week, so I guess the rumors of break-up were a bit overblown (I still think something happened, but oh well).

I tried the "5 the hard way", but I could not get her to come around to my thinking. It did kind of rattle her, though. I think.

Tough love all around. I gave not an inch. As we left it, she can get on the plane and come back to an absolutely brutal divorce, including putting her former lover on the stand and destroying her current OM's relationship with his kids, OR, she can break off all contact with OM, see a therapist of her chosing, and I will work with her to reach any resolution she desires.

This is an example of what Nomo & others might be talking about. Yes, I do think it sounds like WC relates differently on the board than what happens w/ his wife, however, if what happens above is true or expressed in attitude alone, it prolly isn't having a positive influence on the relationship, yes?

We're all pulling for each other & I think Nomo is a valuable resource in that effort.

What you post is equally helpful Atlas;

when the topic gets heavy you get heavy handed and she pulls back. i know how bad you want to tell her what she is doing is destroying herself, detrimental to your s, and hurting you, but i just don't think now is the time. become that person she can turn too and eventually she will.

This is all good stuff for us all to apply to our own sitch's.

Sunny

[Nomopo]

What is 5 the hard way? Also, as far as getting her to come around to your way of thinking, it doesn't seem likely at all to me that any of us can talk sense into our WASs. That's likely pressure, pursuit, guilt, etc. that wil just push her further away.

[Atlas]

wc,

i hope things are going well. drop an update when you get a minute and hang in there.

could use some of the humor.