I agree with everything you said. I would bet that while Mrs. Cemar may appear to be fishing for compliments, if she actually receives them she doesn't accept them well. The classic scenario that comes to mind is someone telling Mrs.Cemar that they love her dress/shoes/purse and she says "what this old thing?" A lot of women do this, and I was one of them. I had to learn to simply say "thank you," even if I'm not feeling particularly attractive that day.
Perhaps Cemar could start with something simple such as telling her "dinner was tasty tonight" or "you look nice today" or something like that and then see what her reaction is.
Could it be that this was another reason why CeMar appeared safe to his wife when they got married? Even though she may want compassion, it is so very uncomfortable for her, since she never received it as a child, and CeMar’s logical, mater of fact, unemotional character seemed a comfortable fit for her defense system. She blocked out emotion as a child so she was attracted to someone who lacks in compassion.
I think this is very likely. I see some similarities between Cemar and his wife, and cac and me. (And cac always seems to "get" where Cemar is coming from.) I think one of the things that appealed to me about cac (and this was unconscious of course) was that he was logical and unemotional.
Maybe the flip side is that CeMar wants compassion but likewise never received much of it as a child, so he might be uncomfortable with too much emotion too, so his wife is actually the perfect fit for him, based on his upbringing and the growth he needs to accomplish.
This makes sense. I think in my early days I tended to channel my unemotional, type one mother and this is what cac was comfortable with, for probably very similar reasons that Cemar is.
Personally I doubt CeMar’s family could have been so perfect. All families have problems. If there were no arguments or problems, then maybe his parents stuffed a lot of emotion and ignored issues rather than talk about them (recall that example I gave from the book The Narcissistic Fmaily). That sort of environment breeds a lot of shame and sort of fits with CeMar’s staunch religious beliefs. So perhaps what CeMar needs to do is better explore what really went on in his childhood and question whether everything was so rosy. Then he might find that he and his parents are human too and that it is ok to feel emotion, rather than just stuff it and turn to sex for a sense of connection. For me, it seems the pieces of the CeMar puzzle are slowly coming together.
Yes! I think shame is the key. I believe it is the key with cac too and we have talked about that. With cac, I believe his ONLY emotional outlet has been sex, and that is why he needs it as a way to connect, moreso than he would if his emotions weren't repressed. He has said himself, here, that based on his meds and hypothyroidism he should be LD, but he isn't. The only explanation I can come up with is that sex is the only way he allows himself to feel emotion. Any other way is too painful because of FOO issues. I'd bet that this is the case with Cemar too.
I'll go so far as to say that when cac quit smoking he was very emotional. He was completely FREAKED out by that, and so was I. Neither one of us had a clue what to do. Of course, some of it was chemical, but I believe that part of it was that all the emotions he has repressed came tumbling out, without the nicotine/dopamine loop to keep it all carefully in check. It got so difficult for him that he went back to smoking out of desperation. I completely understood.
The important thing, though, is that while he was so in touch with his emotions, he was like a completely different person. He told me that hugging and kissing me felt so good that he didn't even feel like he needed sex. He talked of things that would have been unheard of while he was smoking, like selling the house or traveling or other things that he would never consider otherwise because change is so difficult for him. I was pretty much floored. Unfortunately, it was so unexpected that I didn't know how to handle it and I made some blunders which only added to the problem.
Simply put, I think Cemar is in denial.
And cac, I love you.
ETA: And now I wonder. And wait. Will cac be upset when he reads what I wrote? Will he be angry with me for divulging personal information about him? Am I crazy for worrying? Or normal? Why am I worried?
