H coming today, what do I do when he asks how I am

[SallyM]

thanks mike and 25yrsmlc. you've both given me a lot to think about. will be printing and mulling over both tonight.

unfortunately, things did not go well with H today when he came to get the kids. I was upbeat and such and he started telling me about how things went. sounds like the job is his if he wants it, but its going to be a big change, so he has a lot to think about. a few things I didn't think about is yes, the money is a lot more, but there are a lot of things that will also not be covered...like a car. he has a company one right now, they don't have that. so I said to him (and yeah, I did it on purpose, I'm afraid to say), "so we'll need to buy a car."

he corrected me immediatly, "I'll need to buy a car." and here is where I went even more wrong. I asked if that meant he thought things were over completely between us, because I pointed out, I still think in terms of "we." he got pissy and said he didn't know where my head was at...funny, since I was just very clear about that. I was clear again. he didn't want to hear it. no, I didn't plead or beg, just stated I still am hoping we can work things out. He was pissy at me for the rest of the time. I was very complimentary about his skills and such, and we did mull the job a bit, and what he could garner from it, some pros/cons and such. but apparently that last thing didn't go over. that and I madt he mistake of flinching at the health care. we have really good health care right now, this company does blue cross/blue shield HMO. sorry, not a big HMO fan, and I haven't heard great things even if its bc/bs. someone feel free to correct me if I'm wrong.

I shouldn't have done it. I know that now. I wasn't even saying it in terms of it being a dealbreaker, just pointing out like I would have in our past life the pros/cons. apparently pointing out pros was good, cons not so much.

anyway, he was pissy to me the rest of the time. In fact, to the point that 25yearsmlc point about me even wanting him still kept playing in my mind. no, this is not the man who was my best friend/lover/life partner/husband. this is the guy who is a total ass to me. He spent most of the rest of the time on his cell phone to various people, laughing and being the H I knew and loved, but as soon as he would hang up, he was a jerk again. I did my best db and was upbeat and busy and had fun with the kids while they were still here, but he had a look of pure hatred every time he looked at me. this reads like I was bitchy or hard on him at all when he was telling me stuff. I wasn't at all. I was supportive completely. even when I asked a few questions, I did it nicely, supportively, not like I was saying any part of it was bad. I guess it doesn't matter, he magnifies anything I say/do, except the good stuff.

so here I sit. they are gone, I'm alone and crying, because its what I do every time they first leave for the weekend. I didn't choose to become a part time mother, but I don't get the choice, do I?

and you know what I can't stop thinking about? that the end of our marriage will be a cause for celebration for him. how's that for a kick in the gut? what is ripping me up is the cause for joy for him. and yeah, maybe there is guilt and some sadness, but still, its his choice. even if I end it eventually, it will still be because of his choices.