If CeMar’s wife is like mine, then too much praise is going to backfire too. With such a hard childhood, I bet CeMar’s wife has a very low sense of self esteem. Growing up in such a narcissistic setting makes a kid very insecure, even though they rise to take on lots of responsibility. But gaining responsibility through the support and encouragement of secure parents is one thing. Gaining responsibility out of fear and need for survival is another.
Mrs CeMar had to rise to the occasion because she had no choice. But I bet she was scared to death and doubt herself each time she had to make a decision. That does not breed healthy self esteem. My point is that while she seems to want admiration and respect, she may become very uncomfortable with it when she gets it.
CeMar, how does she respond to a compliment? Does she take it graciously and say thank you, or does she minimize it and say that what she did was no big deal, or what she is wearing is just an old dress that she threw on, or something along those lines? How a person handles compliments can be very telling. Adjust your praise to how she takes it and as well as how much you think she needs. Too much praise could sound insincere and like sucking up (the nice guy?), which will cause her to disrespect you.
Mrs CAC said: You haven't the faintest idea what empathy and compassion are.
Could it be that this was another reason why CeMar appeared safe to his wife when they got married? Even though she may want compassion, it is so very uncomfortable for her, since she never received it as a child, and CeMar’s logical, mater of fact, unemotional character seemed a comfortable fit for her defense system. She blocked out emotion as a child so she was attracted to someone who lacks in compassion.
Maybe the flip side is that CeMar wants compassion but likewise never received much of it as a child, so he might be uncomfortable with too much emotion too, so his wife is actually the perfect fit for him, based on his upbringing and the growth he needs to accomplish.
Personally I doubt CeMar’s family could have been so perfect. All families have problems. If there were no arguments or problems, then maybe his parents stuffed a lot of emotion and ignored issues rather than talk about them (recall that example I gave from the book The Narcissistic Fmaily). That sort of environment breeds a lot of shame and sort of fits with CeMar’s staunch religious beliefs. So perhaps what CeMar needs to do is better explore what really went on in his childhood and question whether everything was so rosy. Then he might find that he and his parents are human too and that it is ok to feel emotion, rather than just stuff it and turn to sex for a sense of connection. For me, it seems the pieces of the CeMar puzzle are slowly coming together.
