Not so fast!

[indybyathread]

I appreciate your advice Dave. You are certainly correct that I need to detach as much as possible from what he is doing and with whom. However, I think in his case, the more he initiates contact the more likely he is to feel like it is his idea to spend time with us and to (hopefully) come home. If I take the friendly give and take that we exchange regularly out of our interactions, I think he will feel dejected and slip further away.

My H is in a pretty severe state of MLC but has also been showing signs of depression for a few years now. He feels worthless. "You're all better off without me," is a common refrain and he believes it. I'm afraid that letting go too far will allow him to slip completely into the cave he is seeking and he'll want to stay there. That isn't good for the kids.

Its all a balancing act. Yes,I might get him back sooner if I cut him off and make him miss what we have here but if I remain his friend and supportive at least on that level, I feel like I'm extending a lifeline that he can some day use to help pull himself back out.

I don't know. Maybe that's all an excuse and I just can't stand not having the contact. Need to do some more soul searching on that one!

[indybyathread]

Oh Boy! It is so hard to stay cool when things start turning your way. Its also so CONFUSING! Tonight was his night with the kids. I accepted his invitation to join them for dinner. While he cooked, I got some work done in my room and in the garage. I had dinner with them and then went back to work. About a half hour before his agreed upon time to leave (he is supposed to be with them until 10:00) he essentially came to me and invited me to chat.

We stood in the kitchen and talked about a bunch of nothing. I kept thinking he wanted to tell me something but he was just rambling about nothing, like he was trying to think of anything to keep the conversation going. We got on the subject of his still unsuccessful attempt to get a second job (what he needs to be able to afford his own appartment). I was careful to say very little but not to sound disinterested. I want to be supportive but I also want to say, you don't need a second job, idiot! You need to come home.

Anyway, we talked a bit longer and then I said I was beat and should get to bed. He has started hugging me goodbye whenever he leaves. This time he gave me a very quick peck on the lips! I was shocked and excited at the same time but I acted like it was business as usual. After he left I got a text asking if I wanted to play a rematch Friday of a game we started playing shortly before he left home. I replied to say he was on.

That is two clear invitations in one night to spend time with him, not as a family, just the two of us. And a kiss too! I'm not sure how to navigate this! I know that I have to fight my urge to push for more. If I let him know how excited I am, he will assure me that I am reading too much into friendly gestures and run screaming for the hills. But I know this is more than just a gesture. I think he misses me!

Some advice on how to move forward from here would be most welcome. I'm a little freaked out!

[FA]

Move slowly......enjoy the time and express it!.....but don't smother him like nothing happened......live everyday like it is the last....do things or say things you would never say or do in the past......

[indybyathread]

Yea! Good. I need to avoid the routine. I have to be careful to make sure he doesn't think that his being around will make me go back to the way things were. It is tough because we really did exist well together. It wasn't until the MLC kicked in that we stopped moving through life in a symbiotic way. I have to make sure he sees that I am NOT the person he left, that I have changed for the better and it has nothing to do with whether or not he's around. OK. Thanks for the reminder!

[FA]

no sweat!!!!! Have fun!!!

[indybyathread]

I'm getting good at this! My son has ADHD in addition to his high-functioning form of autism. His psychiatrist recommended trying a new medication before school starts so we can improve his ability to stay focused in middle school. H has not been to a single appointment since S started therapy and was diagnosed with AS (ADHD was diagnosed several years ago).

When I told him about the change today he looked it up on the net and emailed me all of the side effects and negative things that could happen from taking this particular drug. My first thought was, "Oh, now you want to be involved? You take him to the shrink every two weeks if you don't trust my judgement!" I did not do that. I carefully responded that his concerns were valid and asked if we could talk after work.

When we spoke on the phone after he left his office I said that he seemed to have reservations and I didn't want him to feel like I was unilaterally making such an important decision without his input. He said that he appreciated that but that he just wanted to make sure that we had considered all of the potential issues and were careful to keep a watchful eye on him.

He then added that he consulted the EA about it (her husband is a pediatrician and she works part time in his office) and that it is a commonly used drug and her H prescribes it regularly. He felt better now that she had given her opinion.

I don't know if he is so out of it that he just can't see how stupid it is to tell me something like that or if he is testing me. In any case, I did not react at all. I said nothing in response to her critique of the doctor's recommendation or his feeling that she is in any way qualified to have an opinion, just said, "OK. Well I just wanted to make sure we are on the same page. I don't want to make assumptions about something as important as this." He said he was happy I called. We wished each other a nice evening.

I hung up and kicked a laundry basket across the room! The important thing is that it was a laundry basket and not his head! In the past I would have let him have it and verbally beaten the crud out of him for being so insensitive. Look at me go!

[Imageer]

WooHoo!!! Good for you.

[indybyathread]

Thank you! It is amazing how good it feels to know that you can handle an uncomfortable situation with a cool head.

[indybyathread]

Don't think I did my best DBing last night! H is here for the weekend because it is his weekend with the kids and, as we've established in earlier posts, he has no stable place to take them. He invited me to play a game with him after the kids went to bed. We actually played a couple different games and had a decent time but we both had a few too many beers and the conversation turned personal in the wee hours.

I was careful not to judge him, at least not to express my judgements. I listened to him tell me again and again how he feels like a guest in this house and has to have a place to call his own before he can decide who he is and what he wants. Whenever it would get down to my role specifically in his feelings he would say it was just too complicated, there were too many factors, he was sorry there was not more that he could tell me.

He asked me some questions about myself and I cried a little. I told him how hard I am trying to get on with my life but that I'm not doing as well as I seem. He had commented that he was envious of me for having my own place where I could spend time advancing myself and learning about myself. It really hurt for him to say that because I am the one left here with two kids and NEVER any time to myself. I told him that I still can't get used to having lost the person who I knew would always be there, that I'm sad most of the time but pushing myself to keep going. I think I revealed more than I should have. I showed my needy side. I know that isn't the best approach but it is tough when you are sitting there across from him and he is telling you that your home is a foreign place to him.

And, all you want to do is touch him... God that is so hard. It makes you feel so unattractive to know that he can feel nothing, that there is no desire there at all. It really smashes your ego.

Anyway, the REALLY stupid thing I did (at least I think it was stupid) was ask him if I could lie down with him for a time. I promised I wouldn't touch him but I just wanted to be near him. He said, "Sure." I told him I felt like I was a little kid. He said it was OK. I didn't touch him. He didn't touch me. I fell asleep and really, really slept, better than I have in a long, long time. I felt him get up to go to the bathroom this morning and decided to go back to my own bed. He came in and said, "I was just going to the bathroom." I guess he wanted me to know that he hadn't left the bed because I was there. I told him that I hadn't meant to stay that long and didn't want to confuse the kids when they woke up. We both went back to sleep in our own beds.

I don't know how far I set things back, or if I did at all. This is all so hard, so confusing. I just want him to snap out of it, remember what we have always been to each other, tell me he's sorry for all the stupid insensitive things he's said and that he doesn't even know the guy who said them. I know I have never seen this current guy before this past year. I wish he would go away. I want my best friend back.

[indybyathread]

Felt miserable this morning and afternoon. I made myself get on my bike and ride to a state park a few miles away. I took my journal and my camera. I found a nice downed tree and sat and communed with nature for a time. I wrote in my journal, skipped a few rocks, took a few nature photos. Then I came home via the
drug store where I bought a card that said I was sorry for pressuring him last night. I said that I know that all he is interested in is friendship and that I don't want to do anything to make him feel less comfortable here than he already does.

Not sure which part of it spoke to him but he came in and gave me a kiss on the cheek after finding it in his room. I assume it was my putting in writing that I acknowledge that he only has the capacity for friendship. I said that I missed "us" but that I was working hard to get past it and be able to move on. I signed it, "Your friend, Me". This is tough stuff. I keep hoping that I will wake up and it will have all been one long, terrible dream. I know I'm just beginning this process and I probably shoud expect years of the same before things can get better. It is so hard to be patient.

Now its time to get ready for a family dinner and game night(he's cooking and offered for me to join him because he is making sushi for himself and the kids hate it) and try to redeem myself. See if I can get through tonight without blowing my DB principles. Prove that I am his friend more than anything else and I'm not all about making him feel guilty for his choices. It is so hard to stay on track when he's right there and he's being nice and you love him. But, I gotta dust myself off and get back on that horse, right?