She will come home, or I'll find it in my own mind

[Heimlich]

Atlas,

Just a quick chime in that I think you've got more positives than negatives going on right now. I'm with you, cultivating patience blows, but, even if we (everyone on this board, I mean)learn nothing else from our experiences, becoming more patient is good regardless of where we end up.

Keep it up. I'd kill to be able to rub on any part of my W right now.

BD

[Matt-14]

GD,

You know I worry about that as well, but not that much. I've always been this firm believer of the soul mate thing. But after reading diffrent books about the evolution of a relationship, I don't buy the I was never in love with you statement, and I have heard it. You don't make a child with someone, and live the life you do for a decade because your confused. It's a defense mechanism, they tell themselves they don't love us, because then it makes their decision easier.

Amen my brother! I agree with you whole-heartedly.

[Atlas]

Alright, lunch was a trip for sure.

My mother calls and is going to luch with W. That is odd, because W says my mother is a big issue. Which she is, grew up the moma's boy. But they are great friends and i called my mother for some coaching.

Well W is looking for the VW dealership, she wants to buy a bug. She can barely afford her apartment. I didn't say a thing and gave her directions to it. She thanked me, and then said not to worry that she was merely entertaining the idea. Hopefully, she will run into some pushy salesmen and see the numbers a flip. So apparently a bug is going to make her life so happy. We had a VW once, and i'm not trying to bring anyones car down, but it was a lemon, and so is her sisters, who has a bug. So give up a toyota with absolutely no problems, runs great for something that she is going to expect me have fixed. Well didn't control, told her where it was, I'll be pissed if she buys this and I get stradled with the debt. I haven't had a car payment in 2 years and I don't want one now. She left me in enough of a finacial mess already.

UGGGGGG!!!

[Gone Dancin']

Great job, Atlas! You did the right thing given the circumstances. I was wincing right along with you, bro. I hope she doesn't buy one either! Man, the things we put ourselves through to save our Ms...

GD

[Atlas]

Alright,

She calls back, she wants to buy a Passat, same year as her Camry. 5 year term loan, didn't ask about interest rate. It has 85k miles, Camry has only 60k. I really don't care what she does, her business.

BUT, the state I'm in will divide the debt equitably, and while I feel confident that I wouldn't have to pay for this, since she left a month ago, I will hit the roof if I have to pay for this.

I don't want to do this, but also should I cut off all financial help. I've been paying child support based on sole custody, around $500 a month. No seperation order in place or nothing. Just trying to be the nice guy. I think at this point, I cut off all money, all help, and providing myself. I really feel like we are moving forward, but what do I do.

Another thing, I hate to say this, but I think she is going to force me to file for financial reasons. If I don't I'm going to be bankrupt. What do I do?

[Heimlich]

Damn. It seems like she may be coming around. How long can you hold out financially? Regarding child support, you've got your boy a lot, what are you paying for? I think it's fair to bring that up with her. Cutting off all financial support just feels wrong to me in your situation, like it would push her away totally. That said, and I might have missed this, are you helping with her regular living expenses? If so, that's nucking futs in my opinion.

Is it to the point where you feel comfortable having that conversation with her -- look, with your spending, I'm going to go bankrupt. To be able to provide for our boy like I want to, I'm going to have to file for D, even though I don't want to.

Beyond that, I got nothing.

BD

[Not Much Left]

Is she just completely irresponsible? My W seems to spend more too in this sitch. Fortunately for me, we have enough to cover. BUt if things were strapped, I would just say, I need to talk to you about this. Again, calmly. Why does it need to go to a D/Bankruptcy discussion. Leave that for later. It can always go there. Logic should actually win here. It is not just her money. You point out she can do what she wants, that's BS when you are not D'd and it comes to money. It is mutual respect for your futures and your boys'.

[Atlas]

Not a lot of cushion, just started out of school last year. What I did have has gone into the house. Each month is diffrent, I have a few sources of income and they vary quite a bit, but I only live off the 40 hours a week pay, so I'm used to it.

Financially we are already completely seperated. She took her half of it all and opened accounts the first few days when she left. I think what I will do is refigure the child support, I almost have him more often then she does now. Then I'll just give it to her and when she questions, I'll say I had it refigured and I'm having trouble keeping up on my own end, sorry its all I can afford.

What sucks about the comfort level is a week and half ago, I would have been more than comfortable to have said anything. But with the ball starting to roll, I'm now on the eggshells. Don't want to backfire anything good done as well.

[Atlas]

Hey a question for people that are keeping up with me, and thank you by the way.

I'm thinking of signing up with a DB coach and try the 3 session deal. Is there a particular coach that with my circumstances as they are, that you would recommend?

Any advice would be a big help, and thank you in advance.

[Atlas]

still hoping for an answer on the db coach. but it may have to wait. i had a pretty big eye opener with ic today.

so therapist didn't focus on me at all, but reviewed some things i said last time about w. started to ask questions and wanted a review of her behavior over the last two weeks. i hate to agree with him but i think he is right on with this.

so when my w left she was suicidal, i had no clue at the time, she told me weeks later. then she had the breakdown at my place and wanted me to take her to an inpatient care facility. then the change in clothes, music and new slang, which has all passed. then her talk about that i'm not he only problem, that she hates her mother and father, mother stole her childhood, etc... then today the car buying thing. which she backed off of and called and apologized for. which i said no need to apologize, it is her car and if she wants to trade it in she can. with her call saying she wants this to work but doesn't know how, feels like she is ruining her, s and my life.

so after all that he thinks she has had an emotional breakdown, duh! he thinks i need to keep doing what i am doing but drop all discussion of r or m for now. he says she needed you and you weren't there and you failed her. so now there is no trust. we talked about how her mother, only family member living here won't talk to her much, her new friends are not good choices and she said they won't listen and don't understand. he said this is going to be tough, but for her mental and physical well being your going to have to be there for her. he said if she starts to talk suicide again i need to get bil down her fast, but he said do this for her, don't talk to him about m/r or anything else. just for her well being.

i really think i agree with him on this. the one good thing is he says when this happens in a marriage it can work out and especially if you don't press and just help her for now. she will wake up one day and realize that the one person there for her is you.

so i'm going to just keep db'ing, really avoid all r talk, possibly even shut it down if she starts. i have to be there for her, every day is a swing for her and is sad. its either a horrible depression, crying, can't take care of s, or its i'm the best and cutest person ever i'm going to buy a car, house, new clothes, etc. he thinks she is trying to surround herself with things that she thinks will make her happey. he said make sure your there for her when she realizes that they don't because he thinks that fall will be worst then the initial blow.

any thoughts?