I thought I would be so open and caring and invite H back to live in the house since he was kicked out of sisters place. What have I done? Last night he wanted to talk about boundaries saying basically he wants to do what he wants (see OW) without any pressure from me. Lots of conversation last night and he said he only has two people to rely on now -- me and the OW. He doesn’t want to give up either right now yet can not say if we are over 100% just he has strong feelings for her. Needs to be able to see her as she is his escape and coping mechanism. Also wants to be with the family and have me in his life (not as a wife). It is all so horrible and now I have to figure out how to watch him go out at night knowing where he is going. How do I handle all this without losing my mind? I want him in the house as we are communicating better than ever and he is starting to say things like "Maybe someday we would be together again" "Can't make any major decisions about us right now cause he doesn't know". This is positive cause before the last few days he would say we have no chance. How do I do this with keeping my health and my DD interests first?
Have you talked to his sister directly, or only know what he told you? What I'm wondering is, was she not willing to let him stay there because he was seeing OW, and she didn't want to be his "cover" or alibi. She might not want to tell you this, but you can ask.
I want to tell you that you should not allow him to see OW while he is living in your house. But it won't do any good--he has already proven that he will lie and sneak in order to get what he wants. So anything short of house arrest just won't work.
On the other hand, I simply can't advise that you tell him he is free to do as he likes. "Have your cake and eat it too." Your M will never get better in these circumstances, and his actions (flaunting the A) will continue to bring you down.
So is there a 3rd way? First off, I would tell him what you think you deserve in terms of basic respect and common courtesy. Such as, do not talk to OW in front of you, let you know when he will be home, etc. You don't ask where he is going or who he will be with, and he won't lie about it. Also come up with a schedule of solo and joint parenting. That is, you get to go out and do "whatever" on certain nights (your GAL activities) and he is responsible for D5. Maybe even alternating weekends. He needs a heavy dose of 1-on-1 time with D5.
If this idea seems completely unacceptable, then you might as well tell him that he cannot see OW while in your house, and if that is not OK, you expect him to find a new place to live.
There are basically 3 scenarios:
1) He moves out and sees more of OW and less of you and D5. 2) You forbid him to see OW, he resents you and sneaks around anyway. 3) You co-parent and co-habitate. He sees more of you and D5, and with reduced "pressure" perhaps OW seems like less of a necessary escape hatch.
Irish... be sure you can really live with that before you agree to it. I know some people can, but it's harder than you think. I ended up losing a lot of respect for myself (and a lot of H's respect, I think) by making it too easy for him to have it all.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
If you do decide to let him stay in your house, make sure you do set up some guidelines. I think it is OK for you to say that you don't like him to contact OW, that it is hurtful to you, and that if he insists on it, you don't want to hear about it. You don't want him to have to lie and sneak in order to get what he thinks he "needs."
Option 3 is basically like a trial separation in the same house. You share chores and expenses, don't ask a lot of questions, and you do your own thing when you aren't being the "responsible parent." The only reason I am suggesting this is that I think your H will agree to whatever house rules you make for a while, but he won't comply with them. And he will resent you for imposing them.
Again with the caveat that you can ask him to leave anytime if its not working out.
If you do decide to let him stay in your house, make sure you do set up some guidelines. I think it is OK for you to say that you don't like him to contact OW, that it is hurtful to you, and that if he insists on it, you don't want to hear about it. You don't want him to have to lie and sneak in order to get what he thinks he "needs."
Option 3 is basically like a trial separation in the same house. You share chores and expenses, don't ask a lot of questions, and you do your own thing when you aren't being the "responsible parent." The only reason I am suggesting this is that I think your H will agree to whatever house rules you make for a while, but he won't comply with them. And he will resent you for imposing them.
Again with the caveat that you can ask him to leave anytime if its not working out.
I concur. There is a line between making the OP irrelevant and accepting emotional abuse. Many relationships can heal after an emotional / physical affair but emotional abuse is not acceptable if it continues to hurt you. Physical separation is a road towards divorce but he needs to respect your love and the fact that you cannot share him. Forgiving an infidelity is one thing but accepting it is another. Do not give him an ultimatum to choose OW, just stand up for your love.
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
honestly, its something I tried to do at one point, at least I thought I could do it. I even told him in may that I had it all worked out (yep, pre-db days), that we would live in the same house (him on the couch, all his stuff in the basement) and in sept we would go ahead and use bonus for the divorce. wasn't reality. I realized pretty quickly I couldn't live with him as a roommate. I can't. and something I realized as well, I was just making things easier for him. he has been handed things his whole life. not that his family was rich, he was raised by a single mom and his grandmother, neither had much money, but he never wanted for anything and they worship the ground he walked on. he could do no wrong. he could kick a puppy and they would have said, "oh, what a nice job you did!"
I'm the only person in his life that has ever drawn a line and finally stuck to it. I'm the only one who has made things hard for him. I'm not saying its paying off for me all that well, but I really believe it would have been worse if I hadn't.
make sure you weigh what you can tolerate. agree to those bounderies up front. you might consider a timeline as well.
in the meantime, take care of you, DB, DB, DB. I hope you find that it works for you!
good luck.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
Hey Morgan, we are married to the same dude! Haha. My H was also pampered after his older brother was tragically killed in an accident. Now, he can do no wrong and if he does it is swept under the rug. His mom is here for the week and everyone is walking on eggshells to not piss him off. Let me tell you, if my brother acted like this he would have He** tp pay in my family. We over analyse and discuss too much in my family. Opposites attract, right? But it gets hard to have a relationship with opposites without some good counselling.
We also lived under one roof but seperate rooms. I actually complained about the lack of affection to my bro who told my H to get out and find a place. Now I wish he were home, of course with the rule that he stay faithful. We are still married contrary to his belief. I really think he believes disclosing his lack of love for me gives hin carte blanche to skirt chase. What a j***!
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
