NA At first i did not know how to respond, did not know if you were replying to someone else or what so i refrained.
Sorry you were feeling really low. Whine away, this is a good place to do it, just make it on on habit outside these walls!
Talk to u later CVA
Me: 46 Wife: 39 D: 13 S: 11, 9, 7 Bomb 3.2.07, Sep Same Day, D papers 11.1.07 Current Status - Wants to take me through Discovery, I will go to prison first.
NA At first i did not know how to respond, did not know if you were replying to someone else or what so i refrained.
Sorry you were feeling really low. Whine away, this is a good place to do it, just make it on on habit outside these walls!
Talk to u later CVA
Me: 46 Wife: 39 D: 13 S: 11, 9, 7 Bomb 3.2.07, Sep Same Day, D papers 11.1.07 Current Status - Wants to take me through Discovery, I will go to prison first.
Me: 46 Wife: 39 D: 13 S: 11, 9, 7 Bomb 3.2.07, Sep Same Day, D papers 11.1.07 Current Status - Wants to take me through Discovery, I will go to prison first.
Teresa, Your post is killing me, you sound so sad. Sorry you had such a bad morning. I know how you feel. I'm glad to hear that the day got better. I keep trying to figure out your sitch but it seems like something is missing. Maybe it is just an issue of MLC. You need to keep your head up though. If your H doesn't go to the next C session then maybe it would be a good time to get your C's opinion on what your H might be thinking. Your in my thoughts....so cheer up because i'm sure I'll need some cheering up next. Matt
Matt- I'm still around! I sent you an email. Thanks for checking in on me!
I've been keeping myself busy, but have had plenty of time to think about things. I re-read the MLC chapter in DR yesterday and have convinced myself that H is in a serious MLC. I think I was hoping that things would magically improve once we got past his 50th bday, but of course that didn't happen. I keep going back to our R talk after our MC session last Thursday (was that only a week ago? seems like weeks), where he said that he just wants to be alone. I told him that I had felt the same thing over the past year or so. I don't know if that helped. Everything that I read about MLC says that it could last 2 or more years! Ugh.
I have made a decision about joint MC. Since he was non-committal to making another appt with our C, I have decided that I'm not even going to mention the next appt and if he asks, he can come, and if he doesn't ask, I will go alone. It's next Thursday afternoon. I don't want him to feel that I'm pressuring him to go and I know that I will benefit if I go by myself. What do you think?
I made reservations to go away this weekend, but H has not committed to going away with us. He hasn't said no either. The wishy-washiness continues... I told H this AM that I had up until 4pm Friday to cancel and that I wasn't going to go if he didn't come because I wouldn't be able to bring all 3 kids to the amusement park by myself. We have an 18month old, so it would be impossible to go on rides with the older 2 (they need an adult with them to go on some rides). Another reason that I didn't mention to him is that I think it would be really sad to go back to this place without him, since we've been going as a family for the last 5 years.
Home life has been calm. I've been giving him space, not nagging or complaining about anything. I'm hoping that he appreciates the space but I don't want him to get the impression that I don't care.
Hey NA Having a slow day at work. Thought I would check to see if you were back online. I understand going somewhere w/ kids w/o your H would be tough given the memories.
There is a way to give space with doting or following H around. That is my challenge at home too. Just be super polite when you are around, try to find humor in things (I always find that humor cant be reciprocated w/ resentment or anger so...) and just PMA. So easy to say, but just think about it. I have said this elsewhere and keep saying it for myself mostly, if you project a Positive Self, dont you want to be around people like that? Shadow of doubt as they say.
What do you think!
CVA
Me: 46 Wife: 39 D: 13 S: 11, 9, 7 Bomb 3.2.07, Sep Same Day, D papers 11.1.07 Current Status - Wants to take me through Discovery, I will go to prison first.
There is a way to give space with doting or following H around. That is my challenge at home too. Just be super polite when you are around, try to find humor in things (I always find that humor cant be reciprocated w/ resentment or anger so...) and just PMA. So easy to say, but just think about it. I have said this elsewhere and keep saying it for myself mostly, if you project a Positive Self, dont you want to be around people like that? Shadow of doubt as they say.
What do you think!
CVA
Hi CVA, I guess that's what I've been trying to do, it's so hard though, isn't it? I don't feel like it's impossible to be in the same house or anything like that, in fact, I feel a little sorry for H and that makes me more sympathetic. We still spend time together with the kids, get some laughs watching d1.5's antics, eat dinner together a few nights a week (no different from before the bomb) and put the kids to bed together. After the kids are in bed, I've been trying to give him extra space, but sometimes we watch tv together. I also give him loads of space during the day by not calling or emailing unless there's a real reason. We used to talk several times a day.
He's been sleeping on the couch more often this week. I haven't said anything or started any R talks. He hasn't either. I know this is a minor thing- but now that he's sleeping on the couch more than in our bed, I'm getting bothered by him not using sheets or a bed pillow on the couch. He just lays down with an afgham, using the couch pillows. I want to say something, but I guess it's not really worth it. He must really hate sleeping next to me now- we don't even have shades/blinds in the living room and the sunlight comes streaming in at 5:30am!
Just keep up the efforts, he will notice. He probably wont say anything until he is more certain of whatever it is that is bothering him most.
At least he is home. Other than him sleeping on couch, your sitch sounds a lot like mine. I was home the last time this happened and it took a 3rd party (pastor) to help us talk to each other. Really to get her to talk to me. Is there any outside influence (sorry you may have ptd this out before)?
Me: 46 Wife: 39 D: 13 S: 11, 9, 7 Bomb 3.2.07, Sep Same Day, D papers 11.1.07 Current Status - Wants to take me through Discovery, I will go to prison first.
I am caught up on your posts. I can relate to what you said a couple of posts ago about thinking things are going to magically improve at any moment. I did that a lot earlier in my sitch, but I am finally to the point now where I realize that any improvement is going to be small and slow. It looks like you are getting there too. It helps to keep our expectations realistic.
I think you have a good plan on MC (going yourself and not worrying about H right now). You are right that pressuring him isn't going to help and you yourself will benefit from going, whether he is there or not.
On going away this weekend, I would say to just go yourself and not worry about H, but I can see how taking the kids to an amusement park by yourself would be a problem. My D is the same age as yours and I know how limiting it can be to go out and do things with one that age. Do you have a friend or family member you could ask to go along instead? Even a teenager could be of good help. Does your H understand that the amusement park won't work well w/ only one adult there? I don't think you want to guilt him into going, but it's a bummer that the kids might have to miss out because of your H's choices.
As for the sleeping arrangements, I can understand your frustration with that too. My H has done lots of complaining about his various alternate places that he has slept (guest bedroom, his friend's condo and even in his own apt. now) and it is hard for me to understand how, even after all of his complaints, he would prefer to sleep in those places than in a comfortable bed w/ me. It hurts, but I guess it makes it clear how much pain, resentment, and distance he has when it comes to me. It is best that we let both of our H's have the space they are looking for and not bother them about it. Hopefully, one day, they will make different choices than they are making now.