GD's Dilemma, 4

[Gone Dancin']

Reincarnated as a new thread -- who knew?

[Gone Dancin']

Bringing over some important stuff from my previous thread:


The following is just cut and paste notes from various posts that I want to take from in creating a third draft -- one that is MUCH MUCH shorter and to the point.
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W, I am not ready to follow through with the D next week and I am sorry I started it in the first place. How would you feel about postponing it for now?

I've been working really hard on myself and making changes that I know needed to be made so I can be a better person. Going through what we've gone through over the last 8 months has been incredibly hard, and I hated the way it all happened, but I'm thankful for what it has shown and taught me about myself and who I want to be. It was also good because we lost what was an unhealthy R, and that definitely needed to happen for the both of us.

I want to apologize for filing for D in the first place. It was an attempt to regain some control, and not what I actually wanted. However, what I should've done was show empathy and concern for you instead of trying to take that control.

I took both you and our M for granted, and forced us to live a lifestyle that I thought was "right," yet neither of us truly wanted.

I'm sorry for sending a request to unfile for D between our atty's, rather than just talk to you about it. It didn't come across as sincere and was definitely in poor taste.

W, I really do understand why you needed to do this and it's okay you know, and I am okay with it.

I'm working on my issues and will continue to do what I need to do to improve myself so that everyone benefits. But especially, I feel this is something I need to do for me.

I am sorry I did not treat you better in our M. I can see how my actions hurt you deeply. You deserved much better. I am sorry for pushing the D, and would like to file for legal separation instead of D, or drop either option for now. Are you open to either of those possibilities?

I'm sorry for how badly I hurt you in our M. I care so much about you -- enough to let you go if that's what it comes to. However, I don't want to go forward with the D at this time. Are you opposed to the idea of postponing it or going through a legal separation for now?

I don't need or expect an answer right now -- I just want to put the idea on the table.

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Okay, posting some notes from DB coach Vernetta for what an LBS can do during an 11th hour talk with his/her WAS about postponing or recinding a D:


1. It doesn't hurt to apologize for some of the major mistakes or choices you made that hurt your WAS or helped cause the breakdown of the M. If you frame it right, it will likely benefit you. It won't necessarily cement in their minds the reasons for why they were right to walk away. In fact, if you've shown them constistent change for a decent period of time, they will recognize that you aren't that same person you are referring to anymore. The frame she said you can put it in is this:

"W/H, I've learned a lot of lessons over the course of the last X months. Looking back on our M, if I could do it all again, here is what I would do...".

Framing it in this way allows them to see what a new/future R/M with you might look like.

2. Make sure you have a buy-in for the WAS as to why they should postpone/recind the D. Ex: I tell W that I'm not ready for the D right now and would like to postpone it for now. W responds with, "Why? How would doing so benefit me?"
-- what can you say at this point that will give her good cause to consider your request (what will make her really think it is a good idea)? What would be a good reason for her -- something finanical, something about the kids/family, something about health, something about you, etc? What is one important issue you can use to convince her that postponing/recinding the D is a good idea? That is what the heart of your talk stems from.

3. After creating a dialogue with the WAS about this, maybe say to them, "If there is any part of you that has any doubt about this D, can you let that part of you talk about it now?" Then just listen and validate.

4. Consider giving your WAS a letter that acknowledges and apologizes for XYZ, and explains what've you've learned through all of this. However, give it to them and then ask them to read it in front of you, so you can gauge reactions. You might get angry, sad, or both (or other). They may even stop and refer to something in the letter that makes them mad, which gives you an opportunity to say something like, "Wow. Can you tell me a little more about that?" or "I can understand how you would feel that way," etc. It opens more doors for dialogue on the important issues.

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My job at this point is to figure out that one thing that would cause my W to believe postponing the D would be a good idea.

GD

[SunnySeason]

Hi GD,

Just read over what the DB coach suggested & still get back to the same place.....making it short & sweet. Of course Vernetta has experience & knowledge that I don't, so it's just MHO for what it's worth.

If you've ever given a deposition, they tell you to say as little as possible, don't argue, etc. I think the same could hold true for these type situations. Asking W to read a letter in front of you so you could gauge reactions seems dangerous to me. I can't picture W asking you to explain further.

I might be overly cautious on this, I don't know.

I want to apologize for filing for D in the first place. It was an attempt to regain some control, and not what I actually wanted. However, what I should've done was show empathy and concern for you instead of trying to take that control

I'm sorry for how badly I hurt you in our M. I care so much about you -- enough to let you go if that's what it comes to. However, I don't want to go forward with the D at this time. Are you opposed to the idea of postponing it or going through a legal separation for now?

I don't need or expect an answer right now -- I just want to put the idea on the table

Something not much longer than the above is what I'm thinking.
You have time to noodle it around though & think it through more.

Sunny

[Gone Dancin']

Thanks sunny,

I agree with you -- I'm being very cautious about my coach's advice too. I think the course of action is very dependent upon the individual sitch. In my sitch, it seems to me that less is very likely more. In addition, as Kat reminded me I've already spilled a lot of my heart in terms of what I've come to realize about my roll in the breakdown of the M when I wrote W the letters 3 months ago. It is likely she still remembers all of that, so no need to rehash it.

I'm likely going to go short and sweet with it, but just want the moment to be right and to come across as sincere, but confident and not needy/pursuing. Sounds tough to do from my POV -- any suggestions? Coach said that once I've figured out what I'm going to say and how I'm going to say it, that anytime the opportunity arises between now and D day to seize that moment. Don't set it for a particular day, because a bunch of things could happen on that day to make the opportunity bad or even nonexistent.

The one thing I'm still trying to figure out is this: what is the one reason I can use to convince W why a postponement/recinding of the D would be a good idea? This is in the event that she asks "Why?" I need to have a good reason for why it would benefit her to do so, and I'm still kicking this one around.

Thanks sunny -- I appreciate your feedback!

(any chance at hearing about Anniversary dinner night any time soon?)

GD

[Not Much Left]

GD
Sunny's stuff actually sounds really good! I had Vernetta as well, she is very good. I never got this far with her as I was at the early stages of my sitch so dont know how to guage advice at this point. But again, short is better IMO and what you are doing in Sunny's case is just stating the case, it is true and from the heart without this long drawn out scenario that could unfold. You might just even walk out of the room after the last bit in a very polite, "OK, Thanks for listening" way.

Sounds like what we are all afraid of for you is too much interaction which in a sitch like this can easily turn sour.
???

[Gone Dancin']

Thanks for the reinforcement, CVA!

I like the idea of how to end it too, and am still struggling with visualizing how that might look. I really don't want there to be any lingering time where she can give me an answer right then and there (unless the answer is one I want! ), so I'm trying to figure out how to make it so her opportunity to answer immediately is more or less quelled.

Thanks again!

GD

[Nomopo]

Hi!

[Atlas]

gd,

i really like vernatte's approach. it gets your point across but leaves her with the decision and to accept responsibility.

as for a reason...hmmm, i'm not lost i know what to say, but not sure how to say it. your a diffrent person, a better person, a great person. i think this probably goes back to the "what i have learned" segment, but you are the prize.

i know that isn't much help, but i'm sorry, in the short time i have been here, you have been an amazing friend, shoulder to lean on, and wise voice to listen to. don't doubt yourself! you can't control her reaction but you can plant a seed, and what happens to that seed isn't up to you, but you may just reap the benefits of it.

i give you the best of luck and your in my prayers.

do you have window of time your looking at to break the news?

[NikB]

Hey GD - no major insights today, just wanted to wish you a happy Friday and great weekend!

[SunnySeason]

Hey GD,

Long time since we all heard from you.

Drop a line when you get the chance pally. Actually, the faster the better so we know all's well, OK?

Sunny