Upgrading the Crazy Eddie Drive

[fearless]

And put a lid on my constant craving for physical contact... no one can be expected to want to touch and hold me and be held all the time.

It's not so much that you have to put a lid on it. It's okay to want things. The thing to put a lid on is the thinking that if they don't touch you all the time it means they don't love you or don't love you enough or any other projection.

I proactively make a positive move which actually bears fruit (flat, rectangular, green fruit) and end up feeling more insecure? WTF?

The thing to remember is that our feelings are not always logical. You may not understand this but I can look at myself in the mirror one day and feel great and the very next day I can feel "fat." Obviously there is no real difference in my weight but somehow I really "feel" differently. Which is why I don't like to rely on my feelings to judge how "things" are going - my feelings are just too subjective. I don't ignore my feelings either.

Also you are more aware of how you feel and trying to figure out why so you might feel more insecure because you are aware of feeling insecure instead of having it be an unconscious feeling. maybe in the past instead of feeling insecure you felt angry, disappointed, sad, etc. and now you are aware that you feel insecure??

Anyway... Chin up! Also think about it this way. Your wife may have made sure to tell you these things not because she thinks she has to reassure you but because it's her way of being loving toward you. She may not feel up to sex but she is still thinking about it and wants you to know how she feels about you.

[Crazy Eddie]

And put a lid on my constant craving for physical contact... no one can be expected to want to touch and hold me and be held all the time.

It's not so much that you have to put a lid on it. It's okay to want things. The thing to put a lid on is the thinking that if they don't touch you all the time it means they don't love you or don't love you enough or any other projection.

You are right of course. While we're touching I feel warm and safe and loved all over, and when we let go I go back to feeling a bit insecure. That's the problem, not just "wanting to be touched all the time".

I proactively make a positive move which actually bears fruit (flat, rectangular, green fruit) and end up feeling more insecure? WTF?

The thing to remember is that our feelings are not always logical. You may not understand this but I can look at myself in the mirror one day and feel great and the very next day I can feel "fat." Obviously there is no real difference in my weight but somehow I really "feel" differently. Which is why I don't like to rely on my feelings to judge how "things" are going - my feelings are just too subjective. I don't ignore my feelings either.

Also you are more aware of how you feel and trying to figure out why so you might feel more insecure because you are aware of feeling insecure instead of having it be an unconscious feeling.

Yes. I've found that ignoring your feelings doesn't give you a "stiff upper lip"; your feelings screw with your actions and the way you come across to other people whether you're aware of them or not. So being aware of them is certainly step one on the way to anywhere.

Now granted your feelings aren't too reliable. But neither is the reactions of other people. What's left? A whole lot of inference and tentative conclusions, right? Guess that's just the way it is. But I still figured that success would breed confidence which would breed more success; I didn't see any other way to get all the way I need to go.

maybe in the past instead of feeling insecure you felt angry, disappointed, sad, etc. and now you are aware that you feel insecure??

Yes! I can see that it's better to notice it than to let it build up and come out as anger or disappointment and blame it on other people. Those other people don't like being blamed for things going on purely in my own head.

Anyway... Chin up! Also think about it this way. Your wife may have made sure to tell you these things not because she thinks she has to reassure you but because it's her way of being loving toward you. She may not feel up to sex but she is still thinking about it and wants you to know how she feels about you.

Thinking about it rationally, I can see that you're almost certainly right. She loves me. She's had more than a decade and a half to get tired of me, and she hasn't yet. Why would she pick now to start feeling like she's had enough?

[fearless]

Now granted your feelings aren't too reliable. But neither is the reactions of other people.

Yeah because "they" are human just like us

What's left? A whole lot of inference and tentative conclusions, right?

Well for some things you have to find little concrete facts. For me and the weight thing obviously how my clothes fit and the scale are pretty good objective measurements. The same with finances - I might feel stressed about money but I can objectively see my 401k investment and automatic savings deposit which are reminders that my overall financial picture is good even when I make a small blunder along the way. Also while looking to others reactions is risky, I do have some friends I can count on to keep me on an even keel. One in particular is seeing a therapist so we talk about her sessions and her issues along with mine. Fascinating stuff too. her guy is a genius - I did see him twice and would have kept going if I could have. Also it's amazing to find out that we all have our issues to work through.

Don't let all this positive talk fool you though. I am just as capable of feeling like a complete failure as anyone. And I can have my own irrational breakdowns. Thursday night my luggage got lost and I stood in the airport crying. The constant travel has just gotten me to the point I cannot handle things as well as I have in the past. And that is a fact. But I am trying to muddle my way through while I decide if this job is something I can handle after this project is over in 5 weeks.

[Crazy Eddie]

Good luck! Getting enough sleep and exercise makes so much difference in how well you bounce back from every little thing. Make sure you factor that time in when you decide how much you can devote to this job over the long haul.

[Crazy Eddie]

OK, I was worrying for nothing as far as her attraction goes. Going to a group exercise class at the gym helped perk her right up and get her to a state where she felt energetic enough for a little exercise later on. That and watching a cute girl flirt with me in the class (I didn't encourage it, and was rather surprised myself)... I guess jealousy turns her on too.

Why do I do this to myself?

[fearless]

Why do I do this to myself?

Because you're human??? Just tuck this away as a way to deal with the insecurity the next time you feel it. To me feeling the bit of insecurity is not as much of a problem as how you act to the insecurity. Just like wanting your wife to touch you is not the problem. It's how you react to her if she doesn't touch you that is the problem. Make sense??

Thanks for the advice:

Getting enough sleep and exercise makes so much difference in how well you bounce back from every little thing.

I had actually driven myself to the point that even with sleeping 8+ hours and running 30 miles a week I had to take a break because I could not recover - physically and mentally. I still haven't gotten back to running but I did walk on the treadmill which is a start!!

[Crazy Eddie]

I think I clearly see the trap I fell into now:

How to make an endless loop of despair.

I didn't see the loop close because I forgot that she could feel my disappointment and sense of failure that I felt in reaction to her continued bad mood/feeling. And she told me afterwards, in response to a direct question, that she did feel pressured to bounce back and feel better for my sake, which she couldn't do and felt guilty about not being able to do. And she could probably tell that her reassurances weren't working either, which only added to the pressure.

So she really had bad PMS that lasted longer than it used to, and I made it worse by needing her to reassure me while trying to pretend that I was comforting and reassuring her. I can do better on the latter, but only she can fix the former, and she has little faith that any medical intervention exists for her. I'm not a doctor, and I don't know for a fact that any medical intervention exists for her, but maybe some of y'all do. If so, I can advise, but overall it's not my problem, and I mustn't base my sense of accomplishment or failure on whether she takes my advice or not, or whether I can fix it for her or not, because when you get right down to it I can't and any sense of responsibility I feel toward her energy level or general health will just put her on the spot and make her feel worse.

And that "you know you want it" bit only works when I know she wants it, when I'm not desperate for reassurance that she still wants me. When there's desperation behind it, I can act cool and cocky all I want, she still hears my mind screaming "PLEASE be turned on by me!"

[Crazy Eddie]

So how did I get that loop kicked off in the first place?

Many times since early childhood, I would meet someone, we would start to connect and spend time together, and then that other person would inexplicably (to me) and suddenly grow distant and start cutting off contact. If I tried to inquire into the causes behind it, the other person cut off contact much more quickly and forcefully, and in more than one case other people were brought in as intermediaries to spare her the necessity of talking to me even for the purpose of telling me to go away. If I did nothing, the other person would cut off contact a little more gradually and sometimes with plenty of excuses.

Later I found a few of the reasons behind it and made some improvements. But I never lost that fear that one day, without warning or explanation, someone I cared about would no longer want anything to do with me. As I learned more about what attracts women, I saw more of what had gotten me into trouble, and applied those lessons as best I could, but that fear of rejection and the assumption that it would happen without warning, explanation, or even concrete confirmation led me right into trouble when her energy level dropped severely for several days and took her sex drive with it, and I became fairly certain that her attraction to me was waning. Then I got desperate and made a vicious circle out of it.

So, a few questions for me to find the answers to:

1. Why was Mrs. Eddie attracted to me in the first place?
2. Why was no one other than Mrs. Eddie attracted to me at that time? What's different about her? Or were other women attracted to me and I never noticed it?
3. How are the signs that someone is losing interest in you different from the signs that someone isn't feeling well? Is there really no visible difference and you must know from other clues throughout the relationship whether the other person has a reason to lose patience with you?
4. How do I know whether someone would like me to take the initiative to contact them? How do I know whether I should wait for them to take the initiative to contact me. If we both assume the latter, it could be a long wait.

And a note for future reference: if she's not enthusiastic about spending time with you, find something else to do. Bring the kids if you can, but make sure it's something you enjoy, so you'll get a recharge from it and renew your energy and confidence. Go to the gym if nothing else comes to mind.

Oh yeah, and we should both acquire a circle of friends and get better at maintaining it. I can offer her encouragement and help, but she has to take the initiative overall for her circle of friends.

[MJontheMend]

Yikes! Everybody fears rejection to some extent. My suggestion would be that instead of asking yourself "Why doesn't she want to play with me?" just ask yourself "Am I playing fair?" and "Am I having fun?" If you are playing fair and having fun then you really won't feel the need to concern yourself with anything else. Of course, there are stickier more difficult issues along the lines of "What constitutes fair play?" and "Why aren't I having any fun?" but still these are problems you can solve by and for yourself.

[Crazy Eddie]

Right! I read that yesterday and it didn't sink in. Thanks for the reminder. It looks like I still haven't bounced back yet.

If I'm playing fair, who cares if the other person won't see it and wanders off? Life goes on and someone will see it.

Of course if Mrs. Eddie is the one that wanders off, there'd be endless practical complications ensuing. And I really really like her! And I'd miss her. And her hot body. And I think it would be worse if she stuck around and friendzoned me than if she wandered off and stayed out of my hair, but I'd deal with that too, one way or another, and no sense worrying about it before it happens.