H coming today, what do I do when he asks how I am

[25yearsmlc]

Morgan,

Two thoughts. You wonder about whether DBing makes you a doormat, and whether being upbeat makes it easier for him to leave.

The 2nd point first. Do you think being sad/angry/in tears/screaming that he's a selfish ass would actually make it HARDER for him to leave? Hell, I think the fastest way to chase him off is to do those exact things. He'll never want to face that anger again and it does not matter if you are correct in feeling this way. Remember that he will never see your past exactly the same way you do. You have to give up control over that and you have to let go of the idea that everything YOU do means something in him will be manifestly different. Besides, he has not forgotten the times you have spewed. Speaking of spew, consider every convo without spewage, to be a small victory. Also, don't ever think that your kids won't appreciate your commitment to the M down the road even if things don't work out. They figure things out. I see that my kids are nice to h and at times, it bugs me. Yep, I know how that sounds and it took some courage for me to let go of that and put their needs ahead of my need for "justice." I mean, if "justice' means my kids feel alienated and disappointed in their dad, is that a good thing? No, it is not. It's best that they see us as models of forgiveness, redemption and man's ability to change and improve...even if your h stays with ow, or leaves her only to find yet another ow, if you are strong and dignified, you'll be setting an example for your children for when THEY face adversity in their lives, which they will certainly do. Your children will each be betrayed in life, handed an unfair task or burden, cheated out of something valuable, lied to, etc. We ALL face setbacks in life. They will too. You must show them that although we can be in intense personal emotional pain, it will not defeat us, nor will it be eternal. You will model this by showing them that one setback, even a huge one like a spouse changing and leaving, is not fatal to us.


As for DBing and being a doormat. Excellent question and one I"ve asked a 100 times. I mean, in my sitch I feel that h clearly put his career idiocy ahead of family time and cannot see how one would argue that. ALTHOUGH one man here said that h saw this job/credential as his "task" "mission" and didn't have much to do with us or his feelings. I now believe something in between, b/c I do see how much he missed us and I couldn't tell that at first. He was so busy the first 6 months I doubt he had much time to notice his loneliness until his goals were achieved and the DAY he took his boards, he called 3 times and asked if I'd come up, said he was "begging" me to come, etc....Like he looked around suddenly and said, "where is everyone?"

Did h "deserve" me DBing? Probably not. Is that the biggest factor? Don't know. Having a d10 with a dad in her life full time is worth something to me, quite a bit. Possibly having a better M is also a big important thing, obviously, but it isn't the only thing. I have to be alright. I am NOT presently putting up with anything serious from him and I doubt h will be a jerk again. Sure hope not. But in the big picture you have to keep asking yourself if you DO want the M back. As long as you do that, keep the road home paved and smooth. The issue is whether you'll change your mind. You don't know yet, but you can keep praying about that. I'll support either path you choose, honestly. I don't know whether I could do what you are doing. I didn't have an OW to my knowledge but I must admit to you now, that if I had, I might well have chosen a different path. Sorry, but it's true. Although an ow would have been more understandable to me, but gross. I mean, I cannot wrap my brain around a man choosing a JOB over being with his family full time for 2 years.....yet if he had felt "love" or chemistry for ow, at least I'd get that. Truth be told, just here, between us and this bb, I have felt "love" for an OM in the past but did not consummate it and went to counseling, saw a chaplain, etc. (in lieu of hasty adultery). The value in that experience is that I can honestly say when I look back at that situation 15+ years ago, that I feel as if I was insane. I mean, wth was I thinking? I am embarrassed to say that I thought it was true at the time, and I didn't know OM well at all, no matter what great talks I thought we had....looking back I see that h was too busy with his internship, we had moved and I didn't have many friends, OM was Very Attentive in the meantime, we were at war and I was getting deployed, not H --and h was why I was in the military in the first place!....geez, talk about UNfair sacrifice....and who knows what else. Oh yeah, OM looked like Kevin Costner and was incredibly attractive to me, while h was tired and irritable when he was at home, which wasn't often...I sound like the mistress character (Sarah Jessica Parker) in First Wives Club..."I'm not feeling special...". Yikes, how mortifying.

SO, when I recall that insanity, I think WHAT IF I had not gone to counselling and WHAT IF the OM did not get transferred out before something really regrettable had happened, and or what if my h had found out I was in an EA (I guess that's an EA...never thought of it that way,...which is also intriguing....and a bit hypocritical of me come to think of it). It could have spun out of control so fast. I could have lost so much. I am glad time passed and things settled back down. As a stay at home mom, your opportunities for this are less and so you may not have had the same level of attraction to another. But you will and that is not a bad thing. But you aren't there yet, I know.

Here's the thing. DBIng for ME, is a once in a life time event. I won't be able to endure another episode like this and I know I won't. Somehow, since it terrifies me less, I feel some peace in that. Deep down, we all know there is a level beyond which we cannot go. Sadly, this experience will likely teach you where that level is. IF you reach it, you'll know. You are getting close, but if you can salvage some sort of pleasant, REDUCED EXPECTATIONS kind of R with the "co-parent" of your children, it'll help no matter what. Don't let on that you are working on the M. I don't agree that is the DB way. I mean, double check and ask around here on this BB. Folks? Here's my question...is Morgan at the place where she can start acting as if the D IS coming, and that she is regretful but resigned to it...she is now starting to accept it, looking around at her options, her soon to be freer lifestyle, and even starting to feel anxious about moving forward in her life--ACTING AS IF she is evaluating her life and what she offers and seeing that she offers quite a lot indeed. In fact, she is a great catch, she is a "woman only a fool would leave..." I just cannot see how this would hurt her, no matter what her h does. IF he sends out feelers and probes, which I predict he'll do in time (months, not weeks, Morgan) she can assess that THEN....but she'll have her dignity, not feeling like a doormat, and still be open to the idea of h changing back into the old guy, and proving it over time, and reconciling...if that comes.

Morgan, You speak of just "wanting HIM back...your best friend...etc." Is this guy your best friend now? You want tHIS MAN back?

You know you don't. You just hope the "real" man comes back but we don't know if this change is permanent. Could be. If so, what do you want then?

THing is you have not replaced the vision you've had of the "old guy" with an image of your life without him. But if he had been killed in a car accident, and some time had passed, what would you be doing with your time other than worrying about him? Try really hard to do some of those things now, or as soon as possible.

good luck,
j-