Frustrated and Saddened #2

[Not Much Left]

Hey Stewart
I think what you described are the boundaries you need to set to (i) keep your self esteem while (ii) working toward the goal of saving your M. Tough balance. You cant control her so stop worrying about it. Easier said than done as you say but true. Yes, she probably is getting off on having this new found power, but I think it is short lived. Once she figures out that you are there for her but not just to DO stuff for her, it will gradually change to respect and hopefully love again. It is hard to respect someone who is at your beckon call and certainly hard to love someone you dont respect.

Nice catch 22 we are in, huh?

[Bakit Ngayon Pa]

Hi. Me again. Who knows what's going on inside a WAS head? Perhaps they just want time alone to sort things out. At least be glad that she is still home and just need the occasional day or two at her friend's house.

When my trouble began, W insisted that we file papers immediately. That simmered down to "I'll stay and we can work things out but just give me some space and a little bit of time to myself". For now she is home but situation is similar to yours. She needs a day or two for herself.

Expect them to change their mind at the very last minute or to not honor certain agreements as in my case. W says "I'm going out early - 6 or 7pm instead of normally 9 or 10pm and I'll be back early". By early I assumed 12 or 1am but noooo, She comes waltzing in at 2am as usual insisting that it's her day to go out and that she's taking advantage of the time.

So just be patient, go with the flow, roll with the punches, etc.

Good luck and hang in there.

[Bakit Ngayon Pa]

You cant control her so stop worrying about it. Easier said than done as you say but true. Yes, she probably is getting off on having this new found power, but I think it is short lived.

Nice catch 22 we are in, huh?

Yes I agree that the newfound power and control the WAS has over the LBS is intoxicating to them. They feel that we will just bow down and submit to their every whim. Pick your fights. Some you will win and some you won't. The reward is that power they have over you will diminish gradually until it evens out to a mutual respect for each other.

[stewart10]

Hey WAW:

I have ask does she have the finances available to get her own place and move? Is this part of the holdup?

Yes, we do have the financial ability so that she could get another place. I don't think there is a financial constraint to her not leaving. I hope it is because, as you suggested, thay maybe she has changed her mind or is having second thoughts. Although, if that was the case, I would love to hear it.

[stewart10]

Hey CVA:

Thanks for the reply.

I think what you described are the boundaries you need to set to (i) keep your self esteem while (ii) working toward the goal of saving your M. Tough balance.

I agree. The tough part is finding the right balance. I have not reached the point where I am ready to give up. I don't think that will come for some time. And I think at least at this point, she realizes that my actions in the past were not about control.

You cant control her so stop worrying about it. Easier said than done as you say but true. Yes, she probably is getting off on having this new found power, but I think it is short lived. Once she figures out that you are there for her but not just to DO stuff for her, it will gradually change to respect and hopefully love again.

That's the ultimate goal. Unfortunately it usually takes a lot longer than most of us want it to. I have made it clear to her that I am here for her, and that she can count on me. Trying to build a foundation for our new R.

It is hard to respect someone who is at your beckon call and certainly hard to love someone you dont respect.

Nice catch 22 we are in, huh?

Agreed. Sucks, but agreed.

[stewart10]

Well, just as I suspected, she stayed out last night. But she texted me at 10:30 saying she was going out and staying out, so I was able to get some sleep. Still haven't heard anything from her about our trip this weekend. Last I heard she wanted to go, but she hasn't talked to me about it since last Friday.

On the GAL side of things, I have gone out with friends- from highschool that I had fallen out of touch with since college- three nights this week and played basketball (used to play in highschool and college). It is always something that I enjoyed doing, and the last few months I have got away from playing. When I am playing, I don't think about my situation at all, and it is nice to get a couple hours "away" from it. Tonight I am going fishing with my father, so I am going home and will have dinner with my parents and sister, and see my newborn nephew.

[Matt-14]

Stew,
It sounds good that your are getting out and reconnecting with old friends. As far as the Baltimore trip, if she doesn't go, you should go by yourself.

I don't know why you picked Baltimore though. That is all we need is another damn Yankees fan at Camden Yards! I am a big O's fan, but not much to cheer for lately. Maybe you picked Baltimore because it was an easy place to get a ticket! Are you staying downtown?

Good luck Stew!

Matt

[Bakit Ngayon Pa]

That's good you are doing GAL stuff. It takes your mind off of your situation at least temporarily. You'll come back refreshed and ready for the next round if you will. At least it's easier for you to GAL since no kids are involved. I have to put the 3D's first before I can do something for myself. Which pisses me off because my situation already looks like I'm divorced. I'm always with the kids (alone) doing stuff while W is out doing stuff.

I agree with Matt. Continue with your trip even if W does not go along with you. It will be good to get away and have some time for your self.

Good luck.

[stewart10]

Yeah, we (I think and hope) are staying at the Marriott downtown. Only a few blocks from Camden Yards. We picked Baltimore because we have been trying to get around to all the different ballparks while the Yankees are playing there. Next year I think we are doing Cleveland.

It just would anger me a great deal if at the last minute she tells me she is not going, because I could have made plans with someone else to go with me. But instead, it will be too late for me to make arrangements to go with someone else. Almost as if she is planning it to happen this way.

[stewart10]

BNP

In a way having no kids makes it easier for me to GAL. However, that has always been something that I wanted, and now it appears that is in jeopardy. So I have that whole dynamic. I am a religious person so there are faith issues with remarriage and all that.

And I understand feeling like you are divorced already. At times, my situation feels like that as well. There has been no intimacy at all in our relationship for the past 4 months.

Thanks for the advice.