I think now might be a good time to slow down and conjure up a battle plan on my whole lifes plan
Most definitely Whapu--no one can get where they want to be if they don't know where that is, or at least the general direction.
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Sleep is one thing I have truly needed for quite a while now.
Is there anything you can tweak in your schedule to allow for more sleep? Seems like the best place to start...it's much easier to be proactive when you're not physically exhausted. I know it's easier said than done when you're working around everyone else's schedules too.
Thanks Aud for leaving tracks in my thread. I agree with you as well and the most difficult thing in my life is getting the sleep thing taken care of. I have no difficulty getting sleep it's just finding the time to do so. I leave for work early in the morning 4:30am and by the time I get to bed is around 11:00 -12:00. What I am doing in this time frame is getting misc housework done, help getting all the boys to bed and having some sort of connection time with the W. I have strained to figure out what can be squeezed to get at least one more hour of sleep. I am coming to the decision of getting out of dodge on my current job...there has never been a job I have hated more and would probably be the best benefit to me if I did. That of course would make other adjustments in daycare because I get home currently at 2:30pm. Just a brief update on my sitch.... I have been experiencing for a couple weeks now the brief comments from my W on that she is gaining weight again. Not a large amount but some. I dont mind her appearance at all but I do mind that when she gains weight she doesnt like herself and becomes more bitter. She even made the comment several times that "marriage makes you fatter". I am tired of constantly saying that you still look attractive to me. I think it would be better if she were more active but she has back problems and that isnt so easy. So, any thoughts from the sages out there...especially the women in this realm.... Hope everyones day is as bright as it should be...peace
Hmmm. Challenges, challenges. Mr. Highspeed is right--complacency is the enemy. It sneaks up so quietly and holds us so firmly it's hard to see a way out.
I wish I could send you some sleep :). I notice myself getting a lot less now that H is home, for many of the same reasons, and I'm dreading that my D5 is going to kindergarten in a few weeks--no more sleeping in with the kids for me. I don't handle things as well when I'm tired, and I don't like that. But I don't want to give up the late-night time together either. So no real solutions here for you. Have you discussed this with W? Would it be possible to make an adjustment in the daycare sitch to allow for a nap?
Are you still in the job you were planning on quitting this spring? If you hate it, definitely it's time to look for new opportunities, but that is much easier said than done when you are the bread-winner for the family I know. What do you really want to do?
Regarding W's frustration with her weight...I can say that I too have a more difficult time loving myself (and everyone else by default) when I feel unattractive--I become more self conscious, negative and critical in general. That's been one of the big discoveries in my journey. The whole GAL thing is vital to my well-being, and that includes lovingly taking care of myself, my body, my mind.
Since H has been home, I have made significant effort to continue my exercise habits, but I have noticed that being happy does make it easier to overeat, and I've lost the benefit of the stress diet. However, I do prefer to look healthy and fit to emaciated--there's a fine balance there. I understand your W has back problems--are there any exercise activities she might enjoy in your area such as water aerobics/swimming or yoga? Do you help with the cooking? Any chance you can quietly help in making more healthy food choices? Drink water instead of soda...those kids of things?
Sorry if there's a lot of unhelpful ideas here--I'll keep thinking on them and see if I can come up with more.
Best wishes--keep looking, the solutions will show themselves if you keep at it.
I've been thinking a little bit more about the W/weight dilemma...in the past I often complained so that H would validate what I wanted to hear. "I'm feeling fat" usually received (from a man who's not stupid) "No you're not". Of course that never meant as much to me as an un-prompted "Baby, you look hot". KWIM?
If W is mentioning it, she's feeling insecure about it. Perhaps what she needs to hear, in addition to un-prompted affirmations, is: "Hon, I'm sorry you feel like you're backsliding...is there anything you'd like me to do to support you in getting to a place where you feel more on top of this?"
High and Aud, thanks for your perspectives and agree. I havent thrown anything on this thread because I have just kind of stumbled through day after day. My m is still being built daily reconstructing the dismantled foundation we were left with when all this happened. I admire my W with what she has accomplished with her WILL to work things out. As Aud would say, I am blessed. We are trying to move as a team as are doing so by everything I have seen. I really dont have much to post and except throw a heartbeat out there that I am still beating. I hope all for everyone is moving in the only direction it should...forward...
I should have figured High that you wouldnt let me go with this...
How I handle the complacency? Well, two thoughts on that. 1. do what the AA kids do-Let go, handle life by lifes terms and most importantly 2.I will try to live my life like a mirror...the reflection of my previous life or DO THINGS THE EXACT OPPOSITE of what I used to. I figure at this point this might be the best direction to move forward with...
2.I will try to live my life like a mirror...the reflection of my previous life or DO THINGS THE EXACT OPPOSITE of what I used to. I figure at this point this might be the best direction to move forward with...
REALLY not making fun, but your comment reminded me of that episode on Seinfeld where George Costanza did the same thing 'cause all his decisions were wrong. Turned his life around...
But seriously, though you were (and still are) a flawed human being, not all of your actions and decisions were wrong. Be reflective. What works, what's got to go.
Be good to yourself!
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
Taking a moment to slap something down...not necessarily for any sort of advice but just some journaling...My previous posts were a little more slap stick than they were taken. I hadnt really intended to take things ENTIRELY opposite of what I was doing (but thanks SD for the thoughts!!) I realize that I cant do everything opposite...maybe putting my pants on both legs at the same time to switch things up.
My sitch has been going ok, sometimes great. The strange thing that I have noticed is that I am back to being the murky confused individual I once was. I wouldnt want to place the blame on my W for this but I have to wonder what it is with how I relate to her that makes me act this way. I couldnt make a decision if my life relied on it. By no means am I spineless, I just weigh all the alternatives to such a degree that I find myself whirlling on the merry go around to where no decision ever gets made. I guess my direction gets halted and strangely it's almost like I am waiting for someone to tell me where to go. I recently had my 40th birthday and it hit me harder than I imagined. I am NO where near where I thought I would be. I missed the timeline in getting my grants together for schooling to change my "career". I now need to wait until dec to get that going. The old terms of DB'ing (GAL and Detach) and certainly at the forefront but it seems a lot more difficult to achieve when the W is living under the same roof. I no longer have that slot of time where I dont have responsibilities to tend to or what I create. It seems I am spending time with W watching TV because that is what I SHOULD do, meanwhile that is something that I least like. I did squeeze some time in recording a song I wrote or at least laying down a couple of tracks. That helped a little but it seems my mind wavers to that time awhile ago when my mind seemed to get nourishment from OW. Not that I would go there but it is something I feel I need to address. I look around my house and it is like I have been transported about a year ago when this whole saga was simmering in the back ground. There is about 3 or 4 projects that have been started and NOT FINISHED (home improvements). I thought about this and these improvements were done just 8 months ago. I guess not up to date enough...Its much like my life...doing improvements that have already been done for no reason. So i need to do less introspecting and more something...Thanks High and Aud for leaving footprints in my thread. I always appreciate your thoughts on things... Anyway, on with the day...peace
I have noticed is that I am back to being the murky confused individual I once was. I wouldnt want to place the blame on my W for this but I have to wonder what it is with how I relate to her that makes me act this way.
I completely identify with this--I've found myself having a hard time focusing on the things I need to do and lacking the level of productivity I really want lately. What do you think this is? For me I think it's kind of a 'check-out', like I'll have to think too hard to figure it out, so I'm just gonna blank out and waste time instead.
but I do mind that when she gains weight she doesnt like herself and becomes more bitter. She even made the comment several times that "marriage makes you fatter". I am tired of constantly saying that you still look attractive to me. I think it would be better if she were more active but she has back problems and that isnt so easy.