We are both conflict avoiders but I am learning very quickly that this behavior got me nowhere and probably helped destroy my M.
Oh so true -- W and I were the same way (or at least I was a stonewaller so W didn't get a chance to solve conflicts).
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When you wife just bluntly stated things how hurt were you? was it expected at some point that the kid gloves would come off and one of you would just let it rip so to speak?
All 3 of our separation/D talks were very calm and civil, except for my crying in all of them and her crying in the second one. Neither of us threw accusations, insults, etc, at one another, but the problem was that my W would never really tell me what it was about our M or my roll in it that brought her to want out. I even asked her to write it out for me sometime, so I would know because I NEEDED to know. Again, never got that either.
For us, the gloves never did come off (thank God!), but we had a few heated moments, but it was mostly frustration/anger on her part (which was new), and desperation on my part (also new). We had roll-reversed.
I don't know if the majority of sitchs get to the point you're describing or not. I still think it would be beneficial for you to spell out for H what you need from him if this M is to be saved (do you remember my recent post on that?). I think it's worth a shot, anyway. Here is a quote from you where you mentioned something you're going to try:
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I am going to make a very specific list of my needs and what he needs to do meet them and bring it to the MC this weekend to discuss. A written list in case he needs to look at it, keep it in his pocket...etc. Then we will be very clear no mind reading needed!
