WAW1978's adventures in DB'ing

[waw1978]

Hello gents!

Thank you for your support. it is appreciated and helps keep me going down this very rugged rocky painful road. My H hasn't had the ephipany y'all have and I hope that it happens sooner than later. I think I will have to just pull the trigger and take some type of formal action. i consulted with an atty a few weeks ago on basic stuff to make sure I could not be accused of abandonment but didn't discuss filing or anything since I didn't see the need. Obviously I must have had my blinders on.

So whats holding me back from filing? Besides that I still love my H & wish he would work on the M with me...

My biggest roadblock is not having my own place yet. I feel terrible about possibly taking D4 out of her home before I have my new place all set up for her to come and stay. I don't want her to feel displaced. But I def have to do something. He cannot keep her from me and I refuse to go like this.

Its very sad, when he acts like this I just want to scream that its over. The M is dead, lets just move on with our lives. But then I think of the good times we have had and wonder if we can't get that back.

He accused me of not actually sleeping at my Mom's and of only focusing on the bad points in our M during the heated R discussion last night. There was also a half assed accusation that I was having an affair in addtion to these two insults. I really wanted to laugh and tell him that would be appropriate since I haven't had a sex life in 3 years. But I didn't still trying to be nice and play nice and not say hurtful things but I think I have reached the breaking point and he is going to start hearing exactly what I think about a whole lot of things.

When you wife just bluntly stated things how hurt were you? was it expected at some point that the kid gloves would come off and one of you would just let it rip so to speak?

We are both conflict avoiders but I am learning very quickly that this behavior got me nowhere and probably helped destroy my M.

[Not Much Left]

WAW
I think I speak for all of us LBH's that sure it hurts, but in some sense none of us would be here if it didnt. In a perfect world you sit down and discuss issues. When 2 people are hurting each other and either one of them feels so hurt they cannot discuss things because they are afraid of the response, whala! you get WAW or WAH!

So in you case, it seems to me you should just try and remain calm and "discuss" what the issues are. I would say just matter of factly, no emotion if you can do it, that (i) you want the M to work (ii) no you have not had an A (iii) I (that's you) need to work on things individually as does H and that that is the only way the M will work.

Items (i) and (ii) show a committment which should ease fears / anxiety on his side (yes, you are helping him!) and item (iii) says, BUT, if you dont work on you and admit you need help too, it wont happen.

Anyone else? That's pretty simple but hopefully to the pt.

CVA

[Gone Dancin']

hey waw,

We are both conflict avoiders but I am learning very quickly that this behavior got me nowhere and probably helped destroy my M.

Oh so true -- W and I were the same way (or at least I was a stonewaller so W didn't get a chance to solve conflicts).

When you wife just bluntly stated things how hurt were you? was it expected at some point that the kid gloves would come off and one of you would just let it rip so to speak?

All 3 of our separation/D talks were very calm and civil, except for my crying in all of them and her crying in the second one. Neither of us threw accusations, insults, etc, at one another, but the problem was that my W would never really tell me what it was about our M or my roll in it that brought her to want out. I even asked her to write it out for me sometime, so I would know because I NEEDED to know. Again, never got that either.

For us, the gloves never did come off (thank God!), but we had a few heated moments, but it was mostly frustration/anger on her part (which was new), and desperation on my part (also new). We had roll-reversed.

I don't know if the majority of sitchs get to the point you're describing or not. I still think it would be beneficial for you to spell out for H what you need from him if this M is to be saved (do you remember my recent post on that?). I think it's worth a shot, anyway. Here is a quote from you where you mentioned something you're going to try:

I am going to make a very specific list of my needs and what he needs to do meet them and bring it to the MC this weekend to discuss. A written list in case he needs to look at it, keep it in his pocket...etc. Then we will be very clear no mind reading needed!

Is this still on the agenda?

GD

[Gone Dancin']

Sounds good to me, CVA!

[Not Much Left]

I like the quote above - hopefully WAW this is still on your agenda! As you can tell, we are trying to say, "spell it out for the brickhead!" We all wish our WAW's would have come to us before hand and said, "look, if you dont do xyz, we are done" at least we would have had a shot!

[Heimlich]

WAW,

What CVA and GD said. And, really, what do you have to lose? Don't let 'er rip, so to speak. Be as calm as you can. Hurt him now with the chance to get things right or hurt him later and totally walk away? I vote for the former.

BD

[SunnySeason]

"spell it out for the brickhead!"

WAW, can you tell you've made all us LBS's nervous?

I'm with all of the recommendations above & that is to try the "wakeup call" before getting out the big guns.

Sunny

[waw1978]

Brick to the head coming his way!

I have my list prepared for the MC sesh on Sat AM. Very direct needs and direct suggestions on how to meet them.

I called the MC to discuss this and the recent incidents but no call back yet.

I meet with my IC tomorrow and will probably bounce some ideas off her. She is very good at helping me rephrase things from "You" statements into "I" statements so it doesn't sound like I am accusing and berating the man. God knows I need to have an IC session with all the emotions and what not going around in my head. I have been suffering a deep depression since I left the house. I just feel hopeless right now as there hasn't been much progress and things look bleaker than before.

Oh and on a side note...I caught H thumbing through my copy of DR the last night. He sort of laughed at it. I am so thrilled he finds my efforts humorous.

There isn't enough in that book as far as a road map for WAS. Maybe her next book will focus on helping us find our way back to the LBS.

[Not Much Left]

Hey WAW
Chin up OK. YOU ARE MAKING AN EFFORT where you could have just said, fine, done. YOu need to feel good about that. If the depression is bad enough and it sounds like you are getting to almost shut down mode, you might go see your doctor. Just a thought.

[Gone Dancin']

Oh and on a side note...I caught H thumbing through my copy of DR the last night. He sort of laughed at it. I am so thrilled he finds my efforts humorous.

There isn't enough in that book as far as a road map for WAS. Maybe her next book will focus on helping us find our way back to the LBS.

Frustrating that he finds it "humorous" (wish I knew what specific parts of it he laughed at). In all actuality though, it might've been a defense mechanism for him to laugh. I don't know. You're right though, not much help to a WAS, other than it helping you to look at where your feelings and actions are coming from maybe. I just posted the same thing somewhere about Michele needing to write a book for WASs that want to save their marriage or come back to their S's or ex S's.

Hope IC sesh goes well, as well as the MC one. Hope H takes the blow to the head well and it doesn't just bounce off of him and back at you! It might actually take a few days for the whole thing to really sink in for him, so give him that benefit of the doubt. His pride will likely be hurting fresh from the blow.

GD