You never know what effect it will have CeMar until you try it. Giving someone kudos for a job well done makes them feel valued by you...feeling valued by you can give them the warm fuzzies for you, the warm fuzzies can lead elsewhere...but unless you take the first step in trying to find out where it will go....NOTHING will happen. Not to mention you aren't doing that to INCREASE her sex drive but to make her feel valued by you. How do you think anything will change if you don't speak her love languages? You are wanting her to speak yours after all aren't you...well YOU have to be the one to start that.
You are a religious man CeMar, THAT in itself is a huge leap of faith...why can't you give your wife that same benefit and take a leap of faith in trying to get your marriage to a better place?
Your comment about giving WOA's to your W is a very cynical response...if you have that view towards her and trying things, why wouldn't she have that same view towards you? I HAVE experienced & viewed first-hand the effect WOA's have on a person, not just in my own marriage either, but in a friend's.
BTW, what is that McDonalds cheeseburger wrapper doing under the Lasagna dish on the table in your last picture?
Lol- You kind of freaked me out for a minute because I wrote an, IMO, really funny profile for OkayCupid if I decide to go "live" there and I made a joke almost exactly along those lines. One down side of internet dating is that every once in a while I think about the fact that over 1000 men (actually it is probably less than a 1000 men because some of them have probably looked at it more than once) have looked at my "monkey" picture and asked themselves if they'd like to date me.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Okay, Cemar, think about it this way. You are a big fan of Dr. Laura, right? You agree with her that most men would be happy if their wives would feed, f*ck and admire them. What do you personally think are the three things most women would want in order to be happy in a relationship? ( I should note that I actually have some issues with Dr. Laura's theory along the lines of "Be careful what you wish for or you will surely get it.")
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
And exactly how does speaking WOA to a 47 year old women in menopause give here a sex drive? That seems like a pretty huge leap of faith.
Cemar you have gotten a lot of great advice here. While there is no guarantee it will work or at least that it will work perfectly or immediately, what is really the reason you don't want to try speaking WOA or AOS to your wife? To me if you were REALLY desperate to make things work you would be willing to try anything no matter how unusual. And in this case being appreciate and compassionate toward your wife hardly seems unusual.
By the way have you actually READ the 5 Love Languages book?? I am curious because you don't seem to understand the concept at all.
But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads? ~Albert Camus
And exactly how does speaking WOA to a 47 year old women in menopause give here a sex drive? That seems like a pretty huge leap of faith.
I think you are looking at this all wrong. You really need to put yourself into her frame of mind. The WOA are not intended to trigger a sex drive. The WOA are intended to be comforting to her and in that way allow her to relax and soften her defenses. Only after those defenses are softened and she feels safe will she have the ears to hear your concerns and the eyes to see those concerns from your POV.
In fact, giving her WOA has nothing to do with doing the right thing, IMO. If the thing that would validate her is for you to stick a needle in her eye, then I say do it (ok, maybe bad example). But is that the right thing? To me, the objective is to find a way to grow to a better point in the relationship. Doing the right thing for one person may be the wrong thing for the spouse.
You want to get a response, to lower defenses, to begin a dialogue to investigate the problems and then solve them. That will build an emotional connect which will translate into safety for her. Only then will any sex drive start to emerge. Doing the right thing may or may not accomplish this. Be pragmatic. Stop trying to find a one-to-one connection between some action and the triggering of her sex drive. Things are way more complicated that such a simplistic model. CeMar, start thinking on a higher level.
I'm curious about your childhood -- specifically what your relationship with your mother was like and whether or not you were physically abused by either parent or a caregiver.
You seem to have a lot of contempt toward your wife, and toward women in general, and you learned that somewhere, perhaps from a poor male role model (with his own issues with women) or a poor relationship with your mother.
If you were abused as a child too, then I can understand why you are so obsessed with being desired by your wife, above all else. Otherwise, I'm afraid you just come across as terribly selfish and self-absorbed, and that is ANYTHING but attractive.
It is VITAL that you summon some compassion and understanding for your wife and all that she has endured and managed to accomplish in spite of it, and try to appreciate what she does for you and your children, or you will NEVER stand a chance of improving your relationship or your sex life.
I am not a religious person, but isn't that what Jesus taught? To have compassion and empathy for others, to "turn the other cheek," to forgive, to treat others as you would like to be treated?
MoJo Lol- You kind of freaked me out for a minute I was saying in a round-about way, I like clean but don't have to have perfection, maybe like Mrs. Cemar and some other LD spouses.
BTW the shower head was what our and other families had when I lived in Florida around 1960, and it was outside with only a shower curtain attaches to a U shaped pipe for privacy.
If you wanted warm water, showers were in the afternoon. The pipe going to the shower was routed along the roof.
If you wanted privacy/concealment, showers were at night and cold.
You ask, hot water? LOL What is that. Oh yea that was heated on a wood burning stove in the kitchen in a pan and not connected to the showerhead.
Wood for the stove, that was my job since 4~5th grade.
One down side of internet dating is that every once in a while I think about the fact that over 1000 men (actually it is probably less than a 1000 men because some of them have probably looked at it more than once) have looked at my "monkey" picture and asked themselves if they'd like to date me So is that good or bad?
I think I can tell you my opinion about the picture but don't want to sound out of line or like I am hitting on you.
I can say I saw an attractive woman that was cutting up, having fun, etc. I never thought anything like your H said to you (too fat, too nerdy, etc)
My only thought to what some men might think was, how silly does this gal get. Do I want to be that silly if she is at the far end of the silly scale? But that is also a lot of conjecture on my part, based on one picture.
I thought the one picture I saw was, Hum, looks good, if I were to rate it. I didn't see what you posted in any of your profiles and don't know your MO for replying interested / not interested when someone shows an interest, based on an Internet dating site profile.
I know "too nerdy to fvck" hurt, but that was 2BXH opinion, not reality.
I can let my tin-can showerhead make me feel less than, but why? Prior to the tin-can shower head we didn't have running water, so the tin-can showerhead was an upgrade from what we had.
Fast forward 45 years. Now I have get use to ordering dog food like I was at Starbucks.
I will have some senior, less active, with omega 3, no by products, lite, extra fiber, no corn meal, not with any ingredients from China, with garden vegetables and real beef dog food and some less active, with hair-ball preventer, low ash, coat enhancing, indoor formula cat food.
Me? I will have a plain taco and a diet cola.
So, you feeling lots, lots, better about yourself these days? It looks like you are.
It is VITAL that you summon some compassion and understanding for your wife and all that she has endured and managed to accomplish in spite of it
And don't forget admiration. She probably craves that even more than she does compassion or understanding. Most people assume that she should never have had the chance to be anything but a useless child, but she's proud of having been something more (even if the person that bailed out and gave her that chance did something reprehensible) and she'd love it if you noticed and admired that and the skills, strength, and patience she gained from it.
a fine and enviable madness, this delusion that all questions have answers, and nothing is beyond the reach of a strong left arm.
Actually, I grew up with loving parents that married for life. Nothing unusual, maybe even BORING because we did not have many problems. This is one of the reasone my wife married me, for stability.
I probably express contempt because the problem is so freaking OBVIOUS, and yet my wife makes absolutely no effort to correct the problem.
The fact that I have stayed this long I think DOES show my empathy and compassion. Many other men would have LEFT her before now.
I remember an interview with a porn star on TV, and she was relating how every time she told a guy she was in the porn business, he'd say that he'd love to be a porn star and he'd be great at it.
She'd say "Really? OK, get an erection. Right now. Come on, get hard!" That would usually shut him up. The point is, only a few people can get themselves aroused on demand.
Your wife is not one of them. She can't make herself desire sex, even though she knows it would make you happy and she wants to make you happy. All she can do is give you sex, and she's willing to do that as much as you want. She's giving you everything she can. You think it's OBVIOUS what the problem is, and what the solution is, then tell us exactly what she can do to cause herself to desire sex more. Cause she doesn't know how to do that. I don't either, for that matter.
Last edited by Crazy Eddie; 07/26/0708:58 PM.
a fine and enviable madness, this delusion that all questions have answers, and nothing is beyond the reach of a strong left arm.
